BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids This is me... you?

Hello, my name is Sarah I am 27 and live in England with DH who is 29. I work as an administrator for a pensions company and DH is a builder.

We discussed the "To have or not to have kids" subject before we were married (wise thing to do guys and girls). Up until I was 24, I thought "maybe I'll have kids later...." but upon really thinking it through, I decided it wasn't for me. I'm a creative, free spirit who loves to do things on a whim and having a small child wrapped around my ankles for the next goodness knows how many years just filled me with dread. Also the thought of being pregnant makes me feel icky.

After thinking it through, I discussed my feelings with my now husband, and was relieved to find that he too felt the same. We don't dislike children, we just feel no need to produce any of our own. We are more than content with our family of 2!

My MIL harassed us a bit to start off with, but has since backed off (I think this may have been down to DH's brother ratting to her about a conversation they were having about our choice to remain childfree!) It worked though, so I'm not going to complain.

So there you have it. I'm not a career high-flyer, I'm not a raving lunatic because I don't want kids, I'm not a selfish so and so, I'm childfree by choice and loving it!

Hi Millyella, thank you for your post. Sometimes I feel a little lonely in all this because all my friends have/want kids and my husband can't really listen to me either right now. He has listened PLENTY to all of my crying, soul-searching, etc over the past two years...and now it is my turn to listen to his feelings. So anyway, I am glad to have these boards as an outlet for my "Whopee! THANK GOD I DON'T HAVE KIDS!" moments.

I think that like your husband, mine has a somewhat romanticized version of parenthood. I'm hoping that in time he will be at peace with our decision. I think it will always be a little shadow in our marriage. What I tell myself is that other couples have "shadows" too--infidelity, mental illness, the loss of a child...and somehow work through it and stay together.

Whew--sorry for the long post. I am home today with a pain in my neck (literal, though perhaps some of it is metaphorical too!) and so have more time to ramble on...

I think men do have this "idea" about parenthood and it's nothing like reality. They have a little fuzzy dream world, where they're playing catch with their little boy or they're pushing their little girl on the swing, when in fact the reality is sleepless nights, screaming fits and tantrums, no social life and a wife who is too shattered to do anything because she's been looking after the kid all day.

[color:"blue"] I also don't think that half of men realize that the sex goes to the back seat as soon as the baby enters the world. If it didn't, you wouldn't see them complaining about it on talk shows and Dr. Phil. Hubby complains of getting no sex, and wifey will use the kid as an excuse not to jump in the sact with the hubby. I've heard it all before.

To clue any hubby in on what he rather not miss (we all know men don't want to miss sex) is have your hubby watch some of these talk shows with you, (when you have the chance) and maybe he'll step into reality. <img src="/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />[/color]

I wonder if the "no sex please we've got children", is a significant factor in the reasons why men stray. I remember reading on another thread that some guys went off sex with their wives after being forced to watch the birth too.

I had to laugh when I saw your reply, WaterLily! My husband and I didn't watch one of the talk shows on not having any sex because of the baby...but we DID go see Jerry Springer as audience members a few months ago! What an experience that was--did you know that they have a custom called "Jerry Beads" on the show? If a female audience member flashes her boobs at the camera, she gets beads, a la Mardi Gras! <img src="/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

The topic of the show we saw was prostitution and how it ruins lives, which certainly is bad, I'll agree. But I was even more appalled at the women in the audience who were willing to flash the cameras--and one came down and did a dance around the on-stage stripper pole!

It was an interesting excursion into the underbelly of American society <img src="/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

[color:"blue"] Wow Joz, you are very brave! <img src="/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

It shocks me how some of these breeders have a loaf, then use the kid for whatever excuse. I feel for the kid that is being used. [/color] <img src="/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I would think that for some men - and for some women too - just the ideal of motherhood would be enough to put a damper on the sex drive, regardless of whether they witnessed the horror, I mean, birth, or whether mommy got her rockin' pre-pregnancy body back. Mothers are supposed to be wholesome and nurturing and sweet: mini-vans and PTA meetings and being the leader of your Girl Scout Troop... that whole "Madonna Complex" thing...and that seriously clashes with "hot, raunchy sex."

That's where my husband was coming from when he said that even though he still thinks Angelina Jolie is beautiful, he no longer finds her as sexy because she's a mom.

[quote]Hi Millyella, thank you for your post. Sometimes I feel a little lonely in all this because all my friends have/want kids and my husband can't really listen to me either right now.

Hey Joz,

I happened to visit the Meetup.com site recently. I had gone to a billiards/pool meetup a few years back, and really enjoyed it...but that was right before I took the gigantic Etch-a-Sketch that is my life and shook it, saying "start over, start over!" I left and divorced my (wonderfully CF but) seriously alcoholic husband of 10 years and things were a little dicey in there for me for a bit, both financially and logistically. Playing pool wasn't much on my mind at that point, in other words!

I did a search for "childfree" and <poof> what should appear but the names of 155 people within 50 miles of me who were "waiting for a CF meetup". Meetup makes it pretty easy to become an organizer --- and all that's needed for those people who are "waiting" is for someone to step up and do the tiny amount of work that's needed (the website gives you all the tools you'd ever need; it's totally easy).

Our first Meetup is this Saturday, and we've got 6 people who've RSVP'd "yes", at this writing. Most of them are women. The idea of actually getting together for dinner with CF folks is really exciting to me; as wonderful as all the on-line support can be, the idea of having these people as contacts in real life is just very spiff, IMO. I have lots of pals without kids, but somehow they all seem a bit tentative or apologetic about it. That's difficult for me to relate to.

Who knows --- there might already by a CF meetup organized in your area. But if not, there's probably a ton of people just like you in your area who'd like to get together.

Elise in NH

I love your idea of getting to know each other. Unfortunately, a lot of people don't want to do that.

I'm 51, have two wonderful sons and I live with my fiancee in Kentucky. I just published my first novel, which is odd that you're a librarian. I love knowledge, and teachers and librarians truly saved my life. My parents were both alcoholics and my home life was not very good. But through reading I learned of other lives and other places. I've always loved writing, but it wasn't until the children were grown that I could actually devote my time to it. I'm also a court reporter and contrary to most people's belief that is very boring.

visit my website and you can see me, the boys, my bio and my book: www.prather-author.com

This is me.