BellaOnline Forums Family Daughters Need advice on relationship with my parents

This is so frustrating and I joined up here rather than post on a teen site because no one really knows what to say there anyway. I am 15 and my 13 year old younger brother gets more freedom and treated better by my dad for sure, and my mom too than I do. Whenever I want to stay over a friends house, they either say no flat out or they give me the third degree. But even now my brother gets to stay over at friends with no problem... no way could I do that at 13.

And I am expected to do more chores round the home... he hardly does anything.

And he always seems to get listened to more than me if we both have something to say. Like he's the darling son and I am just not that important.

Whenever I say anything to my mom or Dad they have accused me in the past of making it up, or being jealous and saying it's not true. but it is.

What can I do or say to show them how unfair this is?

Some people suggested I talk with them about how I felt etc.

I did and then I found out during this talk that they have set my brother up with a college fund investment thing, but never did one for me. My mom basically told me that they never expected me to go to college but just expect me to get married and make babies. At best my mom thinks I should go into hairstyling, until I have a baby at least.

How do you deal with your parents when they have such low hopes for you and are stuck in some stereotype of what a girl should be too?

Jessica

I'm not a parent so I won't try to advise you on those issues, but I would like to tell you that just because your parents seem to have a very outdated concept of what a girl should expect from life doesn't mean you have to live down to their expectations. Do you want to go to college? If you want it bad enough you can get there all on your own � a lot of people do. Study study study, get good grades, apply for every scholarship and financial aid possibility out there. Talk to your school guidance counselor. Don't limit your possibilities just because your parents don't seem able to envision them.

Sofie is definitely on the right track here. Talk with your school counselors, and find out where your strengths and interests lie - then see how they can be fit together to aim for a career or college education.

Once you have a plan set up to present to you parantes, it will make it a LOT harder for them to blow off. Especially if you have some hard numbers as part of this plan. Like how much tuition and books will cost, room and board, if any of this will be paid off by bcertain scholoarships or student lons that you are eliggible for. The more of this stuff that you show that you can handle, the more your parnents will realize that you HAVE started growing up already - and that in itself will go a long ways to setting thm at ease. (But, no keggers as your dad turuns the block - wait until the next day. <img src="/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />)

Thanks Sofie and Bella_Harmony. I honestly can't wait for school to start. This morning I was told that I couldn't go shopping at the mall with a friend and her mom because my mom wanted me to help her clean house. Then it got worse as my Dad took a day off to take my brother fishing and my mom and I spent 2 hrs cleaning my brothers room!!!! I lost it a bit with my mom and we had a big yell out about it.

My mom has always babied my dad and brother. She just doesn't get it. She tells me I am being selfish if I say that I want to do my own thing. I don't mind helping, but I don't see why my brother couldn't have cleaned his own room. My mom just tells me it'll be different when I have a BF and I will want to take care of him. Well I sort of have a BF already that she doesn't know about, but I don't want to baby him. He respects me for who I am.

I really hate my life right now.

Jessica

Jessica - you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders....don't ever date a guy who needs to be taken care of; after all you're not auditioning to be his servant or his second mommy. It's okay to do nice things for your partner but make sure it's mutual.

As for your parents....the fact that you're stuck cleaning your brother's room instead of him cleaning it himself totally blows...use that frustration you're feeling to fuel your determination to have a bright and exciting future.

You are right - a partnership with a man is just that, a partnership where each side works to better the relationship and get what needs to be done, done. No one person should be carrying more weight than the other.

Your parents, like many others, are stuck on old ways of viewing the world and man/woman relationships.

I would hazard a guess that if they do raise your brother this way, he will be hard pressed to develop a decent relationship with a woman when he grows up. A girlfriend or wife is not a surrogate mother, and shouldn't be. Nor is she a maid or a cook. She is a partner.

Nowadays, most couples have to have two-party working marriages or unions. That's because of the cost of living which has gone up. How are you going to have a good relationship with your partner if you both come home from a hard day at work and you have been raised to expect your partner to cook the evening meal, and then to spend their whole weekend cleaning the house and doing the laundry and running the necessary errands? It won't work. He will not be adjusted to life with a "free woman" (by this I mean one from a culture where women are emancipated and free to go to college, work, vote, etc.).

I don't think you can change your parents, however. But you can remain determined to be your own person and follow your own path. You won't be under their roof forever.

And it is possible to go to school with grants, loans and scholarships. I did. You can too! <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Get good grades and don't buy the 'marry a man' deal they are selling you. Find the career you want, do internships, apprentice in it, go to college, and be your own person.

It is never too early to begin planning on a career. Go to your school's career center. Spend some time dreaming of what you'd like to do every day to make a living. Seek out those professionals and learn how they got from point A to point B. Fill your days with study and planning in order to keep yourself happy while you mature. You will be far ahead of your brother when it comes to coping with life in the world as it exists today, and not 40 years ago. <img src="/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Thanks sofie and Go_Barbaro. I am so determined to leave home as soon as I can and just make a life for myself. I feel like I am almost being brainwashed right now and school is like the only place I can escape from it. I really have hated this entire summer.

I have given up on changing my parents I think forever. I was signing up for some karate lessons this summer - guess what - my mom just told me that I am no longer going because its too rough for girls. Maybe there is a battle of wills going on here, but she's told me that she thinks I am too much of a tomboy and she's no longer going to encourage that. She said I am getting older now and its time to learn to be a lady - agghhhhhh!!!!!!!

I am just totally counting off the days here!!!!

Jessica

You are right Jessica. You can't change your parents. But you can understand them. You mentioned about the tomboy thing so perhaps you mom has fears that if you do too many "boyish" type things you might decide to be interested in girls instead of boys. Sounds a silly thing but when people have certain labels in their heads and if someone is different they start to envision the worst possible scenerios.

This could also be why they don't allow sleepovers with other girls.

They have their reasons and no you don't have to agree with them but you can respect them while under their roof. It is definately okay to get ticked about it though. Would writing it in a journal help? Maybe then it isn't all stewing in your head at hte end of the day.

Be careful to not be so anxious to get out of your home that you just jumnp into the first relationship that comes your way. I made that mistake and am now a divorced single mother.

Take an evening to yourself and set some goals for your life. What do you want and when? College, marriage, children, pets, home, etc. Be specific but not outlandish. Make them goals you can envision yourself achieving but also accept the fact that they may not happen the way you want.

For instance with marriage make a point to write qualities you are looking for in a mate. From your posts it is clear you want someone who sees marriage as a partnership and not where the woman has to take care of the man 24/7.

When you are 16 you can go to a bank yourself and set up an account to save up money for college. Talk with the bank about your goals and what you want the money for and they can help you get the most out of your investments. Usually a CD would work good becuase of its higher interest rate but you usually need a minumum deposit to start.

Good Luck. It is hard but you only have a few more years. The only thing you can do is to just love your parents the way they are and make sure you give yourself a way to live the life you want.

Oh and I had one more thought. You would do good with a mentor. An adult who you trust and feel safe with who can help you achieve your goals and sometimes pushes you when you want to give up.

Ideally our mentors should be our parents but in mnay cases we need to find someone else to fill that role...maybe a grandparent, a teacher, a friend's parents, etc. Keep an eye out for someone you think can and is willing to help you on your way.

Jessica, when I read your first post, I felt like I was reading about myself as a teenager. I'm kind of surprised, to tell you the truth, that this kind of parental attitude still exists. However, you're almost 16, right? Would you be able to get a job (anything stopping you?) then? How about other interests? What are you involved in at school in the way of clubs and/or sports? And how are your grades?

That gives you three big things to focus on instead of the one thing you can't do anything about. The thing is, life is not fair. It isn't. You can spend your whole life going around trying to get people like your parents to hear your complaints and change their behavior, and you'll be nothing but frustrated.

But you sound like you have a really good head on your shoulders, and you write well. Obviously you're smart and are college material. I don't know if it will help to tell you what I did, but I got a job as soon as I was old enough. That helped, actually--not only did I feel better about myself, but my parents seemed to treat me with more respect. Then I researched careers and colleges and picked the ones that looked the best for me, and not only did I get in but I got a nice financial aid package that kept my contribution very low. After my first year in college, I got another good scholarship for my grades. So, start taking small steps now, keeping your eye on the life you want for yourself, and be gracious to your parents. They're doing the best they can. But it's your life. And we're here if you need to talk <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Barbara