BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting Stepfather sadness

Four years ago I married my soul-mate. She has three kids; two boys(15,7) and a girl(13). Since our marriage I have done all my duties of a parent; correcting their behavior and giving good soild advice. I try to do more than my parents have for me, but it is hard because I am just a stepparent. My wife Ex lives in another state and he gets the kids for two weeks, which my wife totally hates, because she knows that he is not a good father.
Well, I am sad that everytime they call from there, they NEVER ask for me or tell my wife to tell my hi. A few days ago my step-daughter called and she just said quickly let me talk to mom. I didn't say anything, but that really hurt coming from her. I always wanted a daughter and I thought I was doing a good job bonding with her. My wife just says that they are just kids, but they call to talk to her. Should I feel this way?

Your step-daughter is 13. She is bound to do tons of stuff that is going to make you feel bad, and your wife, too! That is just what 13 year old girls do.

Also, you came into their lives when the 2 older children were old enough to have already developed a mindset about who their "real father" was. Even is this man never does anything for them, it still kind of sticks in their head (and I'm sure he helps it along, too!)

The only comfort I can offer is that as you remain solid and dependable for these children; when they grow older - they will see the difference. One day they will realize who has been the true Dad to them - not just the sperm donor that took them on vacation every once and a while.

Just try to be patient; and the next time your daughter calls - try asking her how she is. If you take the first step, she might respond.

Good luck!

It also might be uncomfortable for them to talk to you when they are there. Many times children are monitored (phone calls especially - whether in the room or another extension) by the other parent. My kids would go on their visitation or vacation and never allowed to call me without dad in the room. When I found out I realized it was no wonder they acted a little freaked out when I would ask them how their stepmom or halfsisters were after they made (unmonitored) calls while they were with me. I realized they might have thought I would be angry or was fishing for information instead of trying to show them I accept and care about 'the other side' of their life.

It is so sad that my "kids" are related to that man. He uses them finacially and I cannot do anything about it. He claims the kids on his taxes, he pulled a fast one on my wife; she didn't know she had a choose. He sees them once a year and not even trying to visit any other times. We drive them to him in Florida from Texas. Last year while my wife and I were doing our taxes, in which I had to pay. The tax guy told my wife that her EX was getting more back then paying child support for claiming the kids. My wife tried asking for a copy of his tax return and he refused.
I pray, wish and truly hope the kids DO see how much of a LOSER their father is. I only thank him for giving me three great step kids, and that's all.

My step-dad was the bane of my exsistence as an adolescent girl! TOOOOOOOOO strict, lived 15 miles from town and liked beer....alot.Flash forward 15 years after he entered my life.... he is my Daddy.The structure and value of respect, hard work and boundaries did not impact my lfe as a teen (very poor grades, skipped school, mouthy, partied too much)but as an adult who got married at 18, had a child at 19, 21 and pregnant again, were valued.

Where am I now? 31 married for 14 years, have a 13&10 year old, put myself through college(3.8 gpa) and work full time w/ special needs children. I couldn't have achieved this if it were not fore the self discipline and structure that I was forced to live with as a teen who despised "my mother's husband" for a while. The feeling was mutual. We don't see each other as step anything and I kind of resemble him so people who don't know never suspect. Besides I gave him the two things he didn't have with my mom----BOYS! : )

Step parents will not be valued until the children mature. Best of luck too all of the step parents out there. I hope that one day your hard job is appreciated.

If your wife has joint custody, then have her check the state laws. Unless it is specifically set down in the divorce agreement that he gets to claim them - most states have the parents "split" the kids.

I know my ex and I each claim a child, (My laywer advised I claim the youngest, because she would be eligible the longest). Also, the Dad should have to meet you halfway on these visits - it should not be up to you to bear the financial burden of getting the kids to see him. My ex lives in Mississippi, i live in Georgia - we meet in Birmingham, Al. Or if he wants them to fly he will pay for airfare, but that's beacuase his Mom has TONS of frequent flyer miles (we do sometimes split the cost, however.)

Have your wife check these things out with her lawyer, because it sounds like she is getting shortchanged on a lot of stuff, especially if he is not staying involved in their lives much.

Overkill,

I definitely understand your sentiments about how unfair the current situation is with your stepchildren...not being able to claim them on your taxes...your wife's ex using them to take financial advantage of her, etc.

It appears that you are doing everything to be a good father to these children, and are there for them when their biological father isn't. You're taking an interest in their daily lives, when he sees them only once a year. Please don't grow weary in being a father to them in every other sense except biologically! You are the one who is developing a relationship with them now and YOU are the one who will have their love as they grow.

However, I must offer a word of caution about your statement that said you pray, wish and truly hope the kids DO see how much of a LOSER their father is. PLEASE don't berate him to your stepchildren! It does NOTHING to hurt their father and EVERYTHING to destroy the children.

It's obvious to anyone watching from the outside that this man is not of good character. However, trying to make sure that his children see this while they're still children can be detrimental to their own self-esteem.

I'm NOT saying to make excuses for him. All I'm saying is that when you put down a child's parent, that child takes it as a put-down to himself, as well. You and your wife may say what you want about her ex to each other, but please don't let the children hear or purposely try to sway them against him. Kids are smarter than you think and they'll make their own decision concerning their loyalties to him soon enough.

I agree you should seek legal counsel to work out more equitable travel arrangements, and also possibly seek an increase in child support. But in the long run, you and your wife are the winners here, and the children can be too. You are all together as family 50 weeks out of the year, which is far more than so many stepfamilies get. I think you'll see that harboring bitterness will do nothing to further your happiness and everything to hinder it.

Finally, concerning the children not asking to speak to you when they were with their father. Don't get caught up in the drama of that. Just be thankful that they were able to even call home at all. Many children are never allowed this luxury when at their non-custodial parent's for visitation.

Count your blessings - you're one of the lucky ones! <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />