BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids CF but still feeling jealous

I like to think of myself as a decently humble person and I love to spend time with friends and do thoughtful things. Lately I've really been trying to analyze my feelings towards being CF. I have a horrible sense of loss when I hear about friends getting pregnant or merely thinking about when my close friends will start popping out kids in the next couple years. I've merely chosen to be CF because I've never had the desire as the next 18+ years of parenthood flashes before me.
Also, I'm identifying feelings of jealousy. Not to make me want to have kids but this feeling of hostile jealousy towards pregnant women and couples. So much attention is then given to them. You can't get through a day without someone talking about babies. I just get a knot in my stomach. Perhaps because it's a monumental event like graduation, weddings, etc. I won't have any more events like that. My wedding was the last one. I don't know, part of me feels awful for feeling this way but at the same time it's like Hmmm... I will never have that kind of attention or interest again. Unfortunatley once you reach a certain age people look at you differently...I'm selfish or there's something wrong with me focusing on my career. Thoughts are more along the lines of...that's too bad that she's so busy with work that she can't have kids not Wow! congratulations on her new promotion, let's throw her a shower.
Any thoughts CF sisters???

Hi there IndependentWoman,

I know exactly what you mean. I sometimes wish i could have a child just for the attention it would give me. But i suppose just because you've made the decision not to have children, it doesn't mean that you won't feel pangs now and again. It's human nature to think of what you could of had or that the grass is greener on the other side. I also think of wishing i could have children so that i won't be lonely as i get older. But you can't use a child like that.
I have no answers for you, only that you are human. But stay true to yourself and you can't go wrong.
God bless
Nancy2

<img src="/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

I haven't experienced jealousy when my close friends have gone the parenthood route, but I have felt a sense of loss. My best friend recently had her first baby. She and I have been close since our freshman year of college, lived together for several years, and have had so many adventures together and have so many great memories. It's like we were on this journey together and she turned off on a sidestreet. Suddenly there's this huge part of her life that I have nothing in common with, and frankly, no interest in. And our visits together are totally different (she lives down in Portland, OR, several hours away) because she's got this baby to take care of - no more dancing all night or going to bars...and even when she can get away she's exhausted all the time (she works full-time as well). My brother and his wife also had a baby a couple months ago. I'm very happy for them because I know how much they wanted a child and I know they're going to be great parents, but I used to have so much fun visiting them...we'd go hiking or white water rafting or go to the amusement park...I only get to see them once or twice a year (they live 1500 miles away) - now that baby is going to put a serious crimp in my fun. I have quite a few CF friends, but these are two of the people I'm closest to....I just wish they'd check with me before making life altering decisions <img src="/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Have a "No Baby!" shower!

Here are a few ideas that might make you feel better.

If you are feeling jealous of the attention that parents/babies get, take advantage of the attention you can get only by being childfree. By being childfree, you can enjoy the undivided attention of your spouse (no kids to interfere), as well as having extra money to spoil yourself with spa visits and the like. You'll get all the right kinds of attention on a spa trip! <img src="/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Believe it or not, I've also found I get a lot of good attention by being involved in volunteer activities. It gives you something to talk about -- and people often ask about it in the same manner they ask about family/kids. It's a nice way to change the topic when you've had enough of the "baby talk."

Do you have a pet? It may not get you as much attention from other people as a kid, but it is also a great conversation starter and there are a ton of events and services out there that cater specifically to pet-owners. Many people will give you attention if you have a cute pet on a leash, not to mention many pets will give you more attention than any human ever could.

As far as special events, I'm kind of like you in that my last big one was getting married. I don't see that as "the end," though. You can always accomplish things in your life that are worth celebrating; also, if you have good friends, you can celebrate for no reason at all. I know I make a big deal out of the holidays and friends' birthdays and stuff, and that satisfies my desire for celebration. It may not be all pomp and circumstance, but I always figured that's just the way life goes.


If you're anything like me, what you're feeling could be annoyance and anger, not true jealousy. It's the feeling that happens when you see that some of us work very hard all the time with no recognition, and then when some twit gets knocked up she gets a bunch of (undeserved) attention. It's annoying to a lot of us. It may not be true jealousy, though, because I don't think you really want to be in their shoes (because of your decision to be childfree).

I could be wrong. I don't want to assume what you are feeling; it is rude to assume. I am just throwing another possibility out there. Often, many emotions seem similar and it is easy to give them a slightly inaccurate name.

Just my two cents. I hope you start feeling better. Believe me, I sympathize. It can be tough dealing with people who have kids just for attention...it is really annoying and makes many of us angry. And yes, it is perfectly possible to be jealous of the love and attention people get just for breeding...it is all so senseless.

We should give our love to others just because they're special, not because of their reproductive decisions! <img src="/images/graemlins/heart.gif" alt="" />

I feel you, Independant. I've found myself feeling the same way a lot of times. I get especially annoyed when breeders who do not have the resources or the right mindset to actually be good parents are showered with congratulatory attention just for getting pregnant. I have a hard time saying "congrats" in that instant because I really think "gee, you think you're ready to be a parent? I worry about that baby you're so irresponsibly bringing into the world."

I also wanted to say thanks to xantres for your good advice. Us child-frees do certainly have much more time, money, and reason to celebrate... and we can do it more frequently and extravagantly than those pregnant couples will ever be able to. That's a good way to think of things.

Anyway, I've been reading along in this forum for a while but this is my first post. I'm so excited to find a community of people who feel much the same as I do about children and being a parent. I live deep in the Bible belt and haven't found many kindred spirits around here... although I have found myself being yelled at over e-mail and on my livejournal and told I am "the most selfish person" ever. I hope one day I can move to a bigger town and can meet more of the child-free community in real life. Then maybe hubby and I will have some folks to hang out with again!

You're very welcome, Aerolithe. Consider me your buddy to the north -- I'm posting from Indianapolis, Indiana. I was just on vacation in Tennessee (Gatlinburg area) and I can say that things are a bit better in Indy, although not much. The US Midwest is too child-friendly for my taste.

By the way, I just love the picture "none for me thanks." It's hilarious!

Welcome to the forum. I hope you enjoy it <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for all of the feedback! It's good to know that my feelings are shared. I am glad that I will have the time and money to do more. A friend (who is also CF) and I have decided that we will just send postcards from all the amazing places we will get to travel to as CF women! In the big picture I know my choice is right, it just sometimes gets a little lonely when the mainstream thinks the exact opposite! The friends I'm meant to stay bonded with will last through whatever obstacles.

Speaking of irresponsible parents, I worked with young girl who met and married her husband within 3months. She soon got pregnant. He is a grad student on loans and she quit her job to stay at home and applied for federal aid. Let's leave those resources to the people that really need it. At only the age of 22 I'm sure she could have waited until he had a job. The great news is that they want to have a whole soccer team!!!

Hatsumomo- I think I will throw myself that party!

[color:"blue"] When I hear about someone thats pregnant, I find it VERY annoying. [/color] <img src="/images/graemlins/fish.gif" alt="" />