BellaOnline Forums Health and Fitness Pregnancy Handling the subject of miscarriage, carefully.

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Allison,

I may have a lot of kids, but no one knows how many miscarriages I went through to get the children I have, as well as losing a child later in pregnancy.

My guess is the person who wrote this is hurting from a loss. When I had my losses, especially my first, I was angry at everyone and everything (and I had 2 perfect children at the time!!!)

I went crazy on a pregnant woman in a store for cutting in front of me in an aisle. I would burst into tears at the sight of a baby. I seriously harbored ill feelings towards pregnant people and those with newborns. I hurt so much that eventually I sought out help because I developed severe paranoia about the children I did have.

Anyhow...I guess it was last year when a few ppl on the miscarriage board got VERY angry with me and sent me VERY nasty messages. I had posted a YEAR before that and forgotten about it. After my son was born in 2004 I changed my avatar to be a pic of him..unfortunately that changed the avatar on all my posts and ppl who saw that year old post on the miscarriage board thought I had a pic of my son up there to rub everything in their faces.

If they had only known what I went through to have my son, you know, BUT, I understand their anger and I couldn't be mad in return. I took the photo down as my avatar and haven't had one since, and I have not visited the miscarriage board since.

Anyhow...what this person said may be well and true but there are so many nicer ways to go about saying it. I am sorry you received such a nasty-gram and I wish for peace in the life of the person who wrote it.

I don't believe you did anything wrong at all and I did not find myself angry with your words. It's just words, we all need to remember that, just words.

Meg

hi,
i just recently found out i was pregnant in that same night also found out it was a tublar pregnancy. i was devasted and my boyfriend just told me oh thank god it was early we can go ahead in couple of months and try for another one. he is good man and he just doesnt understand that it doesnt matter if its just a fertilized egg or 9 month fetus its a baby to the mother. and i was just wondering even though i was only 6 weeks along is it normal to feel hopelessness and feel like i am a faliure. i cant stop crying. i look at my 2 daughters and wonder if the baby would be like them. i hope you understand. its only has been a week and my dr told me that me being upset is just hormaonal. but i really want another baby but so afraid that this can repeat it self. so please if you can help me threw this please e-mail me i really need to talk to someone who has experience this. and has a clue how i feel.

I am sorry for your loss-I agree that it makes no difference when in pregnancy it happens, a loss is a loss and you are allowed to and supposed to grieve for that baby.
That said, I found myself mostly wishing that you had someone to help you thru this grieving. I don't think your boyfriend is unusual in that it is often hard for men to understand some things like this that they will never experience. I would suggest finding a midwife or other caregiver that you will be able to have a relationship with. There are so many things with conception, pregnancy and postpartum that you need an "expert" for. And there are "experts" that specialize in caring for women emotionally thru times like this, which would obviously be more helpful to you then your doctor has been, telling you that you are just being "hormonal". Hopefully you can find someone you feel comfortable with, to talk thru this pain with and to be with you through your next pregnancy.

Best wishes, and may you get the support you need!

Maryn:)
Bella Online Pregnancy Editor

People who do lose a child are very emotional on the subject of miscarriage. I had a miscarriage recently and I am always in the miscarriage chat to talk to people. I bet the woman who wrote you recently suffered a loss. It is very hard for us to deal with. Especially if it is recent. But for people who know what we are going through should understand that some of us are a little angry and upset. I would have been a mom for the first time. I am glad you had the guts to write that person back. She probably just needs someone to talk to. I bet she was letting off a little steam cause it is easy to be mean to people you don't know when you are hurting. She probably has no one to talk to about what is going on or people are sick of hearing it. I know how it is to feel that way.