BellaOnline Forums Relationships Bereavement Oh, it just sneaks right up on me....

Are setbacks of some sort normal during the grief process?

I am almost nearing the end of my cleaning project, my dad's house - I am probably 3/4 of the way finished, with only 2 rooms left (6 totally done), so maybe that has something to do with it and the fact that this was my first Father's Day without my dad could possibly be a factor. I mean what do you do on Father's Day when you no longer have a father? I personally took that day to sit and cry all day...I was so upset I couldn't even visit the graveyard, which I had made plans to do. Just couldn't bring myself to do it or do anything, for that matter, other than sitting around crying.

Are there steps backward this far along? He's been gone over 7 months - July 12th will make 8 months. I would think I would be progressing and I have felt for the past 2 1/2 weeks that I am going backwards - crying, missing him so much that my heart just aches. Just when I thought my heart was mending, I feel like it's breaking in two all over again. I don't understand. I thought I was doing so well... <img src="/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I am sorry Jen that you have had such a rough time of it right now. It is frustrating to experience an apparent "setback" when it seems you've been doing so well for a while. It is a common misconception that grief happens in a line, in that you will progress to a point and never return again to that place.

The reality is that grief revolves and evolves as time and grief work go on. There is a phenomenon known as shadow grief that will stay with you forever. That is the lingering and the reminders that happen when you look at the calendar and notice a date that is significant, or when you smell a certain odor that relates somehow to your father or brother. A friend of mine recalls often how the smell of burnt toast always reminds the family of her grandmother.

I wrote an essay about my view of grief. It is called The Big Round Room. This essay pertains to the loss of my daughter, and so it is a bit raw and very personal, but I believe you might find it at least a little helpful in knowing that you are not alone in that feeling like you've taken a step backward.

I try to think about grief without thinking of forward and backward movement. It doesn't really work that way, and if you feel like you've gone backward, that has a negative connotation and serves no good for you.

I am thinking of you and I hope that you are able to get your father's house completed soon.

With love,
Corinne

Jen, Sweetheart, how long had you known your father? How long had you loved him? so you think 7 months is enough time to get over all of that?
I've said it before, and will do so again... All this baloney about Time being a Great Healer, is total crud. All Time does, is pass. It is WE who heal, and we all do it at our own pace. But with a love like this, healing is never complete.
Thank Goodness... Would you ever want to find yourself in the situation where you are able to think of your father dispassionately, and with no undercurrent of emotion? Of course not - stupid question.
Take all the time you need, Jen. Things will change... there will come a time when you will be able to view his memory in the light of bitter-sweet nostalgia, and that's fine. But every time you weep, you weep because you miss him. Because your life is emptier without his physical presence.
but he's about somewhere, you know. He's still 'alive and kicking' especially in your heart and mind. Focus, Jen, Live and Love openly.
It's what I'm sure he'd want.

Jen, you are probably doing just fine. The grief will not disappear over night. 3 1/2 years later, it still sneaks up on me. Go to the cemetery, talk to him, cry for him. As long as you are not depressed and letting that get in the way of your living, you are handling things.

My Mom died on the 18th of September 2000 and I still have times, that I get choked up. I still have her bottle of perfume and if I need to feel her close, I put a drop on my wrist and smell her again. You learn to live with your loss over time, I have found, though it still creeps up on you every now and then.

Boy! you are right it does sneak up on you. I lost my dad 12 years ago and it is still sneaking up on me. I was his only daughter and he always said "That's my Gal". We were very close. You will always have times but cherish those wonderful memories.

We only ever have one Dad.

Well I lost my only brother 4 years ago on July 17. On that day, and on his birthday, the pain and the grief come flooding back as if it just happened all over again. I don't know if it ever get's any better. The hurt and pain are always there, but for some reasons those are the days I choose to be able to openly grieve. What I wouldn't give to have him back again. It is a struggle daily to deal with him not being here anymore, I guess on somedays I can hide it better than others. I have joined The Compassionate Friends group. and I get a lot of help there, but mostly the pain, for me anyhow, never goes away. I'm sorry to hear about your dad. I still have my parents, but in dealing with this, as many problems as I have with them and thm with me, I dread the day they will leave also. Does that make me weird? Hope not!

I find it to be especially difficult when we're coming up on holidays or special events. My dad's birthday would have been this month and I am already starting to "feel" whatever this feeling is that I get. Sadness and anger are the two big ones. Like yesterday - out of nowhere, I felt like smashing something into a wall. I don't know where it came from and I just felt it and then I was fine. Today I am weepy.

And I have also found it terribly hard to grieve 2 people at the same time! It's not possible, I don't think. And so I feel a tremendous amount of guilt over putting my brother's recent death on the back burner. Well, not recent, recent - it's been almost 6 months (the 4th will make 6 months).

And then, last week I was feeling pretty good and my brother calls and says, "Do you know it's only 3.5 months until dad's 1-year death anniversary!?" Ummmmm, NO! I had tried to block that from my memory for right now and deal with it after his birthday! GRRRRR! So that didn't help. That's when I started feeling this downward spiral yet again. It seems to happen at least 1 time per month.

Very painful, for sure!

It's been almost 2-1/2 years since my father passed away, and it can sneak up at any moment. Last week I was so proud of myself for actually being able to talke about my Pops without crying, then yesterday, I'm in my car a song comes on and suddenly I'm weeping. Sobs and all. I talk to him a lot. a lot of the time yelling at him for leaving so suddenly, but others just looking for support. Kind of a what would you do in this situation. I'm his baby girl, "precious", even. And daddies aren't suppose to leave their little girls. Granted I was 33 at the time, but I'll always be his little girl.

Dear Coffee,

I am so sorry for your loss. <img src="/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
Corinne