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I need some advice on how to handle comments from someone at work.

Our secretary who is obviously set in her ways and racist (I feel) is continuely making racist/homophobic comments in the office. Examples: always making snap judgements or complaining when we have an international client, always mentioning to me specifically about an Oprah show or documentary dealing with African American culture (I'm part African American), referring to a student as "your little Asian guy is here." She also made the comment that when a collegue's friend was sick that maybe he was having complications from AIDS when she found out he was gay. I could go on for pages.
I know what I would say to this woman outside of work. Any advise on what to say inside the workplace? So far I've tried to make subtle comments that don't seem to be working. I would like to try and confront this before contacting upper management. Thanks for any tips!

Hmmm...that's quite a quandry you've got there. If she is set in her ways, then you may need to go to management -- and even management might not be able to do anything about it unless it is proven that she has committed an act of harassment.

I know how you feel, and this issue definitely relates to the childfree individuals out there -- someone who is a bigot about race or sexual orientation will probably also be a bigot about one's family planning choices.

Here's what I'd do. Deflect her comments. Make it clear, politely but firmly, that those comments are unacceptable in the professional workplace. Say, "that's not a very professional thing to say." Or perhaps, "that kind of attitude is not going to help us get work done." Or, "that kind of remark is not acceptable here at work -- we need to be on our best professional behavior."

Here are some specific things you could say, at least regarding the examples you gave:

snap judgements: "Let's not jump to conclusions; we don't know the whole story." "It's not nice to assume things about people; it's not professional to assume things about others."

International clients: "having a bad attitude towards our clients is bad for the whole company." "We're here to serve the clients, not badmouth them." "Our clients are our top priority; let's be more professional about this."

Race-specific TV: "Sorry, I didn't watch that, I was [watching other show, reading, going out, whatever you were doing at the time]." "Sorry, I'm more of a fan of ______." "I'm glad you enjoyed it, but I really have no interest in that show. Can we talk about [other topic] instead?"

Referring to others by race or other terms: "He / she has a name, you know." or "That's [name]. I don't know anyone named "little asian guy." or "It would be more professional to use his name, thanks." or "Thanks, overbearing secretary lady." (The last one might be a little too rude to use in the office!)

Comments about gay sick person having aids: "That is totally unprofessional and rude, not to mention immature. If that's all you have to say, I don't want to hear it." (Feel free to say anything you want there. Making cracks about a sick person having a terminal illness based on their sexual orientation is totally unacceptable, whether you're at work or anywhere else. It's cruelty, plain and simple.)


If she says anything derogatory about any other person: "Speak for yourself! I happen to think [person] is a fine, upstanding citizen / a nice person / fun to be around. I enjoy their company / admire their professionalism and work ethic"....et cetera. There are lots of nice things you could say about others to deflect bigotry.

If she says anything derogatory about you: "Please don't say that. That's harassment, it's illegal/against the rules, and if you continue, I will need to report this to management per the employee handbook."



Honestly, I would take it to management first as an anonymous harassment complaint, but not all situations are the same and talking to this lady might help. She sounds like a crummy secretary -- a secretary needs to show the best side of the business and be a great customer-service person. Perhaps you could speak to the hiring manager about getting a secretary who's more cut out for that kind of job.


I was just dealing with some people like this at my farmer's market volunteer job. Some of the same people who made cracks at me for not having kids also refer to one of the farmers as "the Amish guy" instead of using his name, and make snide, cruel remarks about a transgendered farmer that sells there. It makes me mad too. I know how you feel.

Good luck with everything. Feel free to private message me if I can be of further assistance.

Thanks Xantres. I will try to implement some of your suggestions. She usually says something off color at least once every couple days. She doesn't try to talk to me nearly as much so she has a least picked up that I'm not her biggest fan. You're also right about her family beliefs. I went on a business trip for 3 days and she followed up with a pathetically toned "aahh, is that the longest you've gone without your husband?" Uh, none of your business and I think I can manage a couple days away from him. This is coming from a woman whose husband cheated on her and left 15-20 years ago and she says he was her only love, she could never love someone else, not because she was so hurt but because she still loves him and he was the only one right for her!

Wish me luck!

xantres has some great ideas! What's odd is that if a man made just one sexist comment, most likely he'd be outta that office in no time! So, we shouldn't accept any less than professional behavior from women, either. And, really, I think that's a big problem in the workplace. It's not a crime to get to know others (with whom you work) on a slightly more personal level, but there should always be an underlying guard telling you that you need to work with this person on a professional level. Office gossip is just about as dproductive as sitting at a desk and taking a nap all afternoon.



You could say something like "Only his sexual partners would have information like that....."

A generic statement you could give is "I'd like to respectfully ask you to keep conversation on a professional level."

I would give the woman a chance to reform. She may not realize the damage she's doing. If she continues the derogatory comments, then it's time to advance to the next level. She IS harming the work environment and is slowing down productivity. Good luck.

[color:"red"] It's amazing how ignorant people can be. [/color] <img src="/images/graemlins/angel.gif" alt="" />

If others are present at the time, and general feeling runs alongside yours, you might even discuss it with these colleagues and complain 'en masse' because what she is saying is very much against the rules....
As someone has pointed out, if a male colleague was behaving inappropriately, little time would be wasted in reprimanding him...
I think she may also be out to shock, and just see what she can get away with...And the more slack she is cut, the more she will continue, and believe (a) that she can get away with it indefinitely and (b) that everyone must obviously agree with her, as no-one seems to be arguing back....

Waterlily-

It is amazing...I will keep the group updated on the next incident.

Also, I love the T-shirt for your avatar. It that a print others can purchase or was it self made? I'd love one!

The assistant in our office is still up to her ignorant comments. I so want to make it a teachable moment but at the sametime I automaticaly get defensive, don't want to waste time on her ignarance and I am also management level and want to keep it professional.

Her lastest ingnorant antics have been....(1) telling me about how a couple on a home fitness program reminder her of my parents because the wife of white and husband was black...nothing to do with their personalities(etc.) (2) Asking if men have one less rib because Eve was made from one of Adam's ribs (I'm not kidding!) and (3) Not wanting any of our our Pakistan student inquiries to come to our school because they might want to blow us up.

I'm getting mad just thinking about it all again!

I am so sorry this is happening. It looks like some people never change.

I am not sure how to field the three examples, except the last one. Assuming a student from Pakistan would "blow us up" is racial profiling and discrimination. It's very unprofessional. It's not the secretary's job to determine who is a terrorist -- let the authorities determine that. At this time, we need to be compassionate and understanding of Muslims and those living in the Middle East, especially when they travel -- they are prone to so much harassment and extra attention/interrogations from the authorities, and it's all because of a few rotten apples among millions of good ones.

I'm not sure what can be done at your specific workplace. Many workplaces have harassment procedures. You can probably file complaints that way. You could also explain to the hiring staff or the secretary's manager that she is scaring clients away or making them feel unwelcome or creating a hostile environment by saying things that are racially or religiously charged, or outright racist, sexist, or bigoted. Make it clear that a secretary should be welcoming and accepting of everyone that walks through the company's doors, as well as talking about neutral things so as not to offend anyone. If this secretary cannot do that, there are plenty of other people who could take her place.

Perhaps there should be diversity/sensitivity training for all personnel where you work. They have that at my company; we have a diversity workshop every year. It is geared toward celebrating the differences between people, and accepting others and their differences as valuable and enjoyable. It sounds like the assistant has received no such training.

If you are in management, encourage those under you to come to you if they are ever made uncomfortable by a situation at work, such as hostile comments or conversations. If more than one person is complaining about the assistant, that should help to get her reprimanded or fired.

If she continues despite reprimands and your organization does nothing to stop it or take steps to terminate her, there may be nothing that can be done. You might want to try ignoring her if you can, or just make it clear that it is not okay for her to talk about that sort of thing when you're around.

Have you tried writing Dear Abby or Childfree Abby (www.dismal-light.net/childfreeabby)? An advice columnist might have wisdom to share with you that we have not been able to cover here.

Again, I'm so sorry this is happening to you...toxic people can make coming to work every day a nightmare. I sincerely hope things get better for you.