BellaOnline Forums Family Siblings THEY'RE FIGHTING - MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!

My kids are 7 and 4. They've been the sweetest and most wonderful kids up until lately.

They ahve started fighting - it's driving me insane. I know what I'm about to do about it, but I'd like to know what you do when your kids start fighting and being mean to each other.

My two haven't hit that point yet. They're still the best of buds (at 7 years and 18 months).

My nephews, however, were monsters to each other. For the most part, all of the family would pull them apart the first time 'round for the day, explain to them that fighting wasn't appropriate and let them know if it happened again they'd have to sort things out themselves. We only interfered if someone was hurt. After a week or so of totally ignoring them and forcing them to sort their own issues out, they basically stopped. Of course, they still had their moments, but it wasn't all the time.

Not that this is a method that would work with all children.

I think it happens because somewhere between 3 and 4 the younger sibling starts to become their own person and doesn't just automatically do what the olde one says! (Can you tell I'm going through this, too?) <img src="/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

I separate mine; into their own rooms, so that they can't talk to each other, or me! It also doesn't hurt that they can't watch TV or do anything else while being confined to their rooms, either. Of course, my 2 are social butterflies; and being confined to their rooms is the worst punishment in the world! It doesn't matter that they have toys in there. You would think the 3 yr old was being tortured to death!

I figure we'll hit a point sometime soon where we have to send both kiddos to opposite corners. But for now, we're enjoying the harmony.

My 18 month old is currently the dominant personality--she's very much her own little person even now, so as long as brother goes along with whatever it is she wants at the moment and shows her the appropriate level of worshipfullness, life is good.

I agree with the work it out theory. They have to sort out how to get along with each other if they are ever going to figure out how to get along with the real world people.

I do sit down and talk with them by asking questions - how would you feel if..... What about when you..... What do you think I should do..... Is that appropriate.... what would you like to see happen now..... Should I string her up and sell her to the highest bidder so you can be an only child..... That one usually freaks them out because they don't want to loose each other.

In my years running a day home, one thing I learned, nothing is solved with time outs.... it just gives them time to think poor me i've got it so bad, she's so mean, i hate her, etc etc etc.

Barabra Colorosso is a wonderful author about teaching kids to get along and learn via natural consequences and helping them to get through the consequences but not saving them.

That's the big thing about time out.... your saving your child from the natural consequence. I had a kid who always hit other kids and I'd put him on time out. One day I decided to try natural consequences when he hit a child I watched and allowed the other chld to hit him back. It was the last time he hit that kid. He was also quite destructive, once he kicked a basket of mine and broke it. So I took the batteries out of the toy he brought and told him I broke it and walked away. He cried and cried and cried but he never tried to break anything again.

One think I have learned is not to use the bedroom as the place of punishment. You want children to feel safe and comfortable in the one place in the house they can really call theirs--even if its a shared space.

If you want to seperate them put them in chairs facing each other, don't let them get up -- even if you have to strap them in - Help them understand how they feel and why by asking them questions, let them vent, let them scream at each other but at the end get them to say I Love You.