BellaOnline Forums Relationships Single Life Messy Breakups: If love is a battlefield...

...then these are the stories that say it all.

The main characteristic of messy breakups: ugliness.

Unfortunately in my story, the ugliness is all me. I was dumping a guy for no good reason and felt enormously guilty about it. So, to make myself feel justified, I took his random quirks and turned them into huge relationship issues. For probably over an hour I railed against this totally awesome guy who had done nothing wrong because I was desperately trying to make myself feel better about being a selfish witch. To this day, it's the only thing I have ever regretted doing. <img src="/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Lesson learned: don't be a selfish witch.

I shared mine, now you share yours! I know there are some ugly breakup stories out there... Let's here them!

I wish my ex would take a page from your book...he told lies to cover up the fact that he dumped me for someone else (and very likely cheated on me with her, possibly physically and if not that, then definitely emotionally)...and then when I called him on the lies and refused to keep it silent (he insisted he wanted to do so "because it still hurt too much"--in reality he didn't want people to know he'd left me for her), he and she both started a smear campaign against me, saying I was the one lying and making me sound like a nut (this last at least to his family; his brother told me later he had to defend me to their parents). Most of our friends just refused to believe he and she would do something so awful. It was such a great time. It was just about the nastiest breakup I've ever heard of, for many reasons other than that.

Sure wish he'd have the good grace to feel guilty about it!

Now that's a messy break-up...

It seems like the amount of messiness is in direct porportion to the length of time a break-up drags on for...

Coincidence?

My last one was not too pretty. I knew that he was cheating and lying since about 6 months into the relationship and stayed another 2 1/2 years cause I loved him. The whole time I was torn between wanting to leave but being completely unable to until finally about four months ago my mouth overruled my heart and said all the things I was feeling (though I never told him flat out that I knew all about the cheating and lying)--told him that the relationship was a lie, I didn't believe anything he said anymore, and that I was going to leave if it didn't change. Big Lesson Learned: Only talk about leaving if you're really ready to do it! Well after I said all that, I just couldn't stand losing him, so it dragged on for another 2 months until he just stopped calling. A 3 + year relationship that ends with a missing persons report (kidding), take it from me the he just stopped calling break-up is horrible when you've been together for a long time.

If you dont like your partner there is no point in staying with them however hard it is, so any breakup is going to be messy, one way or the other.

How about when you try to stay friends for the 6 months following a relationship that was love hate all the way through the 9 months it lasted? I felt sorrow for him because he really needed serious mental help. Is bi polar when someone is calling you a fat whore and asking you to lunch at the same time? Haven't talked to him in a month now and hopefully that becomes a lifetime!!! No, but seriously, is this a mental illness for him? Being so nice one minute and attacking non existant issues the next. I felt sorry for him but he was just exhausting! And the best part is; he accused me of commiting all of his afflications!! I mean he will be screaming and accusing and superior while I silently try to figure out where he is coming from and then he tells me I'm crazy!!

Never, ever continue a relationship with someone with a mental disorder that they can't even acknowledge. It is a losing battle and now I am worn down and numb because of it. And you can't stay friends with all your exes. I am friends with 9 out of ten and that's ok with me;) The last month has been so peaceful...

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"Be kind and merciful; Let no one come to you without coming away better and happier"--Mother Teresa

Okay--you are seriously describing my last 4 month long relationship! Though, he knew he had bi-polar. How irritating is it to have a guy be completely sweet one minute and then hang-up on you, scream at you, etc. the next? <img src="/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Thank god I'm a bit of a prude so I never slept with him or I might have actually gotten attached.

I should also add though that we never met, it was strictly a meet online, see how it goes, then have a face-to-face if it goes well kind of thing--clearly it never went well enough to actually do an in-person.

I just got out of a nearly 4 years relationship with a man who I thought I was going to marry (although I'm only 20). He said some of the nastiest words when he dumped me like "i rather spend time with other people or by myself playing guitar than seeing you" and when i said that I wanted to be his there for him - share his happiness and sadness and he said "oh, I already have friends for that"... These just killed me. I love the guy to death, but he is no longer the guy that I fell in love with anymore. He kept telling me that he doesn't want to be committed right now but I know for the fact that there's another girl he's after because of the things he did to her and the way he kept talking about her. It just killed me... I never done anything wrong in the relationship but love and support him in anyways that i could. The day he dumped me, I nearly killed myself because I couldn't bare the pain he had given me, but thankfully I did not succeed. I packed away all of those things that he had given me all these years and pictures, cards, etc... so that I can somewhat get my mind off him. But I nearly cried everyday just thinking what I did wrong and wish that he'd come back one day... am I foolish or what?

Hi Jeanie,

I just read your post and wanted to comment on your feeling foolish and feeling that somehow you are to blame for the end of your relationship. I too went through a difficult breakup several years back and became very depressed when the man I thought I loved turned out to be just a cruel, immature man that I gave way too much respect to. What ultimately saved me was that one day I was sitting on the edge of my bed, crying my eyes out. I was so tired and worn down. I didn't take care of myself. I was neglecting me. I stood up, went into the bathroom and caught a glimse of myself in the mirror. I was shocked that this man could make me feel so bad about myself. Then it occured to me...this guy was a total loser who was lucky as hell that I would even give him the time of day, let alone put up with all the [censored] that I put up with while trying to make him feel like a worthy man.
I decided then and there that I would never allow anyone else to make me feel that bad about myself ever again. I wrote down all the loving things I did for him over the years, all the kind things that I had done for others, and all the things I had accomplished in my life. I put it in a frame and I look at it whenever I start to feel that I have nothing to offer.
I also use it as my guide for what I will, and will not accept in the behavior of the men in my life.
You were strong enough to pick yourself up after this experience and I hope you decide to go forward knowing that the problem was him, and not you. Put all that love you have for him toward yourself and spend the time giving yourself all that care and love. You will find that when you do this, you won't even have time to worry about people who cannot treat you well. Hang in there!

My break up was a brutal battlefield, at least with myself. I was in a long distance relationship with someone I met online, he was a friend of my friend Mandi. I run an e-mail rock zine called Pretty Vacant and I told her I needed help with something I was trying to do and asked if she knew anyone who was like a computer nerd and could help me with that kind of stuff. She referred me to her friend Mat and we began working together on my zine. I got kind of frustrated at the complications of the programs he was showing me and gave up on it.

Then we became friends and became attracted to each other. We tried a relationship first in the middle of April and it barely lasted a week, he gave up, accussed me of loving him too much, etc. I left him and today I wish I never went back.

I did however and we were friends and *how romantic*, i thought, a little after midnight on my birthday, May 5, as I was up late packing for a concert I was going to in Atlanta that day with some friends, he decided to give our relationship another go. Throughout this second go around however he'd bounce back and forth between wanting a relationship and wanting to be with someone closer to him. I kept comforting all of his doubts about us each time he'd have them, and with him being a manic depressant, it was often.

I also put up with his transsexuality. He wanted to be a girl I think more than he ever wanted me. We bounced back off/on throughout the summer and some time in July I think it was, I even spoke to his mother for him about his transsexuality. This was when he was first telling his parents about it. I also sent him in the mail a lot of girlie things (bags, makeup, jewelery, even my own bra and some i bought for him, etc) and he never sent me anything back. I never wanted anything from him when we were together, I knew he was working a lot and saving up for college and with him living/going to school in Boston I knew it'd be mad expensive compared to where I live so I didn't expect or really ask for anything in return.

I was going through a VERY difficult time during the last week in August and it wasn't as easy to talk to him as it used to be and because of that, he broke up with me. I was the most pathetic person walking the earth during that time. I would beg him to try again with me and do everything possible to bring him back to me. I would be his friend but if he once mentioned being with any other girl I would get sick. I was that pathetic. This lasted for a couple weeks and we decided to not talk to each other again.

After my cat died in mid September I was again a devastated wreck. I had read a few days before in his journal that his cat was about to be put to sleep. I was also depressed and lonely and couldn't bring myself to hate him anymore so I tried talking to him again, as a friend. We remained close for a couple weeks and then lead to yet again another relationship in October. The way this came about should've been enough to smack me upside my little head and help me see the light but I was still so pathetic and blind in love that it didn't. He had gone down with a guy friend of his, and they both allegedly regretted it. This sickend me so much though and I was ready to leave him. But no, he wanted to take me back and being the rag doll that I was, I said yes. It wasn't like he cheated on me, we were just friends at the time. Though he always said throughout the relationship that he'd be scared he would cheat on me. Though, I took it with a grain of salt and gave him yet another chance and things seemed to be going good. This time I got my first job and though my paycheck hadn't come in yet, I was planning to save up to go to school up there and live with him. I was more determined than ever in the past to make this work.

Then, one Monday he spent that night at his friend Skye's dorm. She is a girl he has known since high school. I felt so scared about what he would be doing behind my back but at the same time I just had to trust him. Next day after he finished at work I spoke to him. He SAYS he never cheated on me. Though he did joke around about having sex with her and even joked about us breaking up. I didn't find this funny at all. Later that night he got even more serious about us breaking up and all of a sudden it was something he had to think about. I begged him to tell me why he wanted to break up but he would not tell me. I begged him to stay but he didnt want to talk.

I spent the rest of that night crying my eyes out and calling my friends, staying up very late, calling them at like 3am and just wanting to die. I wanted this to kill me, I wanted to be done with it, I just couldnt take it. Next morning I went into work and my manager told me that just 15 minutes before I got there a tornado had come through. This made national news and you may remember it, it was the day the tornado plowed through a Funzone and trapped 30 kids in Montgomery, AL. I was right across the street. As all of this was going on Mat sent me a txt saying he was breaking up with me, we should go our seprate ways, etc. I had to hide my feelings until I got home and focus on what was going on. We were without power so there of course was no work really.

On the way home we exchanged txts, and he would never tell me why he wanted to break up with me. Never got a straight answer from him to this day. I'd try to call and he'd hang up in my face, he had never done that before. I really wanted to die then. But I didn't.

I took advice from a close friend and stopped talking to him for a few days and gave us both time to cool off. Then that Friday morning I spoke to him (two days after he broke up with me) and we agreed to be friends. However, each time I would awake in the mornings and remember what had happend, I'd say to myself "Why am I letting this cycle continue? We'll only break up and make up and hate each other all over again.". By that Sunday I took my own advice and told him I can't let this go on.

If I spoke to him from that point on (late November, early December) it was only about him mailing back my stuff. We'd get into arguements but I mostly tried not to. I'd kiss his [censored] so long as he sent back what I wanted, and I had sent him a lot of [censored]. The most important things I wanted back were my bra, pictures of me I had sent and a ring I gave him that my mother gave me. On December 10 he left a message on my cell saying "I just put your stuff in the mail so now you can get off my [censored]. Have a great life!". And that was it. He only sent back my pictures and ring and I had sent him so much more, so I told my friend Mandi to go to his place at her convience, I'd pay her $100 to do so and get all she can of what I sent him and she can keep it, I just didn't want him to have it. So, she did and all she got was a hat I think. He told her he didn't want me to have the satisfaction of having my stuff and he'd go off on her and all this [censored]. I never spoke to him during that time but I did pay her for all that trouble she went through for me.

It still is hard for me at times, especially when I've given so much to one person and then I'm made to look like the bad guy. However, I am done with relationships period and I've learned a lot better now. But with all the bad times, I still wouldn't trade my single status for the world. Better single than sorry is exactly how I feel. BTW, thanks to anyone who took the time to read this lol

Meg