BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Romanticism of Childrearing

We've said it before about childrearing: It's not all sunshine and Kodak moments. The media has some definite blame in this outlook. Movies, TV, and books usually only show the happy side of parenthood: hugs and kisses and playing in the yard and fishing and all that other [censored]. They don't show the poopy diapers, the temper tantrums, the puking, the peeing in places other than the toilet or the diaper, the lack of time for yourself, the lack of sex, the inability to do what you want without having to consider the factors of other people, etc.

Romance novels, fairy tales, and Hollywood are the big offenders. They give the vibe that you too can have a handsome rich husband who has an insatiable sex drive, well-behaved kids, and everlasting happiness. Gag me with a dildo. Really, how realistic are these books and movies? 5% real, max?

This is why people have kids. They only see the happy shiny people living amongst the flowers. They don't think about the other stuff and then want to proclaim "It's so HAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRD having kids!"

I admit, sometimes I get suckered into that. I'm a romantic, when my cynicism takes a break. But I have to slap myself back into reality by thinking about all the downsides of having children and remember that it's not for me.

The romanticism of childrearing falls under what I deem the Prince Charming Syndrome, where "happily ever after" lasts for eternity. But as Angelina Jolie said in Mr. & Mrs. Smith, "Happy endings are for stories that haven't finished yet."

Sorry that this isn't well written. My mind is too jumbled up right now.

i agree with you 100%. it isn't all lemondade and roses. i think the big culprits are the johnson and johnson commercials. you know the ones. they have the sweet clean baby in the sink getting washed, and the mom looks so happy. the voiceover says, "a baby changes everything." well, yes it does. lol. they don't show the poop in the sink which most kids do when they're placed in warm water. they don't show the kicking child who refuses to be put into a car seat. or the little one crawling away while you're trying to put a diaper on her. or the teenager screaming, "i hate you! you're the meanest person in the whole world!" etc. a baby does change everything. that's why people really should think it through before having them.

my brother and his ex-wife were so determined to grow up too fast. they got engaged in high school, married right after high school, bought a house they couldn't afford within 10 months, got pregnant before their first anniversary. after the kid came, she got pregnant when he was 3 months old because they "had to have a girl too." well, they've lost their house, their marriage ended in disaster, and all they ever did the whole time was complain about how hard things were. i do resent the fact they whined about kids making it hard RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEIR KIDS though. that is rude. no wonder the kids don't like them or respect them now.

but i'm sure if they had thought it through, perhaps they would have still had the kids, but they would have been a little more prepared. maybe.

i've had plenty of time to think about it, and i do realize most days it is a blessing in disguise that i haven't been able to have kids. i know it would really strain my marriage. for some reason, the desire hasn't gone away though. guess it's my age. or just me. but i do feel grateful for the life i have. i do have lots of freedom and time. lets me do other things like volunteer work and stuff.

Holly, one of the blessings we receive in life is the ability to accept the things that we can not change. I think it is truly wonderful that you have accepted the fact that you can't have children even though the desire, as you say, has not gone away. You have looked at all the positive aspects of being childfree, freedom and time for volunteer work, lack of "additional strain" on your marriage, etc. and have accepted the facts with grace and dignity.

Having a child (or children) does change your life. Before children, there are days of happiness, fun and total self involvement and freedom. The same is true before husbands or boyfriends, but change is inevitible. As we grow up and grow older, our lives change. We add friends, make changes, take on responsiblities, all while still having fun and looking for complete happiness. However, we all still have days that none of this makes us totally happy with our lives and we have to question our choices and decisions and the hands we were dealt.

Many parents, couples, or young women were childfree until the test result came back positive. Then each person had a few weeks of dilemma, shock and decisions to make. Their life was getting ready to change forever, depending on the decision they made. It is not always "cut and dry" for each woman who CAN conceive but did not PLAN on it. Each of us has to learn to deal with our own circumstance the best way that we can.

One of the blessings we receive in life is the ability to accept the things that we can not change. I think it is truly wonderful that you have accepted the fact that you can't have children as well as the women who have accepted the fact that they have given up a part of their life to raise a child or chidren that they were given. Just as you have looked at all the positive aspects of being childfree, many of them have looked for all the positive aspects of parenthood, and faced it with grace and dignity.

Media always tries to make product look good and appeal to a certain group. Obviously, J&J should be successful with parents according to your critiques. LOL <img src="/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Bless you and Jeff, Holly. Hang in there. One of the schools I volunteer has a wonderful teacher, reminds me of you, who calls all her students "her children". They are special needs kids. She is a spectacular woman and loves the kids. She and her husband are childfree. She said she doesn't have her own and all these kids need her so much. She reminds me alot of 'Patience', here on Bella, who taught for many years, and has one of the sweetest, kindest attitudes about being childfree. <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Have you had a chance to talk to her? You have the same kind of sweet attitude, just 30 something years younger. Again, Holly, take care and bless you !! <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Trish

[color:"green"] I've seen my nieces and nephews be fussy and throw some whopper fits. I've accepted that fact that I may not be able to have children. Other people (exept my mom) haven't accepted the fact. My dh loves me no matter what. That is sweet. I'm just happy has can be just having a dog. (well, don't have one yet, but would love to have one) and a cat would be just perrrfect. [/color] <img src="/images/graemlins/irish.gif" alt="" />

they don't show the poop in the sink which most kids do when they're placed in warm water.

Oh, MAN. I always cringe when I see the ads where the baby's being washed IN THE KITCHEN SINK! NASTY! I mean, come on. One's supposed to put one's DISHES in the sink where a baby @ss just was??? Yeah, right! Yeah, I know you disinfect it after or something, but STILL! *shudder* So your thing about poop didn't help. Oh, ewewewewewewewewew...

katja,
sorry about that. i don't know why people put them in sinks either. it's not like the kid is a canteloupe or something. lol. sorry to gross you out. <img src="/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />ops:

[color:"darkgreen"] It is very disgusting. <img src="/images/graemlins/irish.gif" alt="" /> [/color]

Look back at the original post and you'll see that Holly was saying that romanticism is portrayed by media, not by reality, as she was giving silly examples. It is only disgusting if you don't have much of a sense of humor or have never seen a baby bathed in a sink. Probably most of us have been part of that ritual when we were younger. Lighten up.

I personally have never seen any pooh in a sink. Maybe if I let a toddler play in a tub for a long time, unsupervised, that might happen. Again, something we all have done when we were younger, perhaps in our pants rather than a tub. <img src="/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> That's life.

Trish

Na, I'm not grossed out. I can think of far more gross things than that.

And whether sh*t happens or not, it doesn't need to happen in a sink or bathtub! It belongs in diapers and toilets, and nowhere else, kthx.

The media might be TRYING to romanticize parenthood, but it's not working on me, that's for sure. Even in movies and TV shows, the kids seem like burdens to me. It always annoys me when a character on a favorite TV show gets knocked up...it ruins all the fun!