BellaOnline Forums Relationships Relationships Stuck in bad relationship and feeling alone

I just recently moved from Flordia to Arizona with my bf. We had issues before the move and i naeively beleived that this move would make our relationship stronger. We have been here almost 4 weeks and the relationship is back where it was. No physical abuse but he is emotionally controlling and abusive. We just signed a 14 month lease and I do not think I can make it here fiscally here on my own. I had such hopes for this relationship--stupid me was even going to marry him (making him husband #3). I had a very bad childhood and have been thorugh 5 years of therapy. Any advice any one could give about resources and how to get my life straight and be happy with just me. All my friends in FL told me not to do this and I did not listen. I am a very giving, sweet person that is hurting so badly that I am loosing weight and cannot eat. I am alreay a size 2. Please help.....I am lost, and in pain with no friends/no one to talk to and no one to help. <img src="/images/graemlins/wall.gif" alt="" />

Hi Gingersmama, sorry to hear you are having such a lousy time of it in AZ. It sounds like you are an eternal optomist and while that makes you a forgiving and loving partner to have, it can also mean that you get disappointed alot too. Now, you know you always have options, lease or no lease, so why don't you list a few with pros and cons for each and talk it over with your virtual girlfriends here? No need to feel all alone... we're here!
Trishh

At this point, I am finding it difficult to find pros, actually. At this moment, it feels like the harsh reality is that it will be very difficult for me financially and personally if this relationship does not continue and even more difficult if it does. It feels harder becasue at this moment, I feel I have no one to lean on or turn to for help. It is very difficult to be in the same space with someone else so angy at you, especially since that is all that is here at the moment. I have had to be strong and fight to survive for so long....I am getting tired of fighting to survive everyday it seems. It hurts so much to see the one person I thought I could count on, filled with hurt and anger in general and more specifically hurtful, at me. I dont know where to turn next. I dont know what to do next. I am afraid with noone to make me feel safer....

Trapping their partner by distance from friends and family and by financial dependance is a common behavior for abusive men.

See if there is any services for abused women in your area. They will understand some of what you are going through and offer emotional support.

"I am getting tired of fighting to survive everyday it seems."
This statement concerns me.

You might want to look into what support groups are available through your local mental health services.

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Thank all of you for your kind words and support. I will indeed be looking into the above mentioned groups for assistance and support. Your kindness and support are most appreciated.
Gingersmama

Believe it or not, your own family doctor would also be able to point you in the right direction.... Many doctors are involved in support for victims of violence, either being called to refuges to treat someone who has just been admitted, or being called by the police, for the same reason.

Your Police station will help you, and they will be able to put you in direct touch with the appropriate groups or authorities.

And all of the above with guaranteed anonymity.

I know you said that he's not physically violent, but anything like this is a violence of a kind. get help.

You don't have to do this all on your own. You really don't.

hang in there you will get through this!!
ive been in your situation and now i have my happy ending
we are survivors and when you think you have nothing left you muster up some more strength to carry on.
try to find some help as aing sugessted then
you need to tell yourself you are worth more than this!
you are a beautiful woman with everything going for you.
you dont need to be stuck you can walk away you dont need him for security. i sure somewhere along the line you were an independant woman before he came into your life you just have to focus on that!

remember you are always precious in Gods eyes!

psalm 139

you are not alone we are here for you !

Can you not move back to Florida? I understand you signed a lease and all but your happiness and saftey are way more important than a lease.

I agree with you conniem, money is too often the reason women (in particular) stay in bad situations. Forget the finances. Better to stay on a friend's couch for a few weeks and start again than to stay one minute if you are afraid.
On the other hand Gingersmama... moving away to a new place to be with your love is almost always a stressful period. I was glad to be with my love, loved the area even, but I had terrible trouble with anger and depression because I had totally uprooted myself from all I knew and knew could support me independently if needed: my job, my home, my dear friends, my family etc. I sought out a friendly counsellor and worked through that time (and time after time too as I had to see her for a few sessions every few months or so until I felt more solid in my own self in this new place and new relationship.) I would encourage you to do just that too if you have any desire for this relationship to work. But please, don't stay one instant if you are afraid.

Please get away from here. You can never make the relationship healthy again. As you have no money, you will always be dependant on him. Please go back to Florida and begin living again.