BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting Adult Stepchildren

I have 3 adult stepchildren, all in their mid to late 20's. They grew up with an emotionally unstable and cruel mother. My husband's role was always to bow down to her tantrums and save the children from her. He never stood up to her abuse. He stuffed his feelings down. After 24 years of marriage, they finally divorced. My husband and I have now been married for 3 years. My dilemma is this: what do I do when my husband's children behave inconsiderately of their father? My children and I have witnessed over and over the hurtful things they do to him. I feel his past behavior of just taking the short end of the stick has become the standard to them. It's painful to see. It is to the point that I've told my husband how much it hurts us to see this happening, and that his relationship with them is his to care for. I respectfully requested we be allowed to "step back". Yet, he continues to force interactions with them upon me. I am angry and hurt that he doesn't respect my feelings, even as I'm angry with his children for not respecting his. We have a 13 year old (mine) still in the home. What kind of message is this sending to him as far as his future role as husband and father? Please advise.

You are doing the right thing by trying to stay out of it as much as possible. It really isn't fair at all for your husband to get you involved in his relationship problems that he has with his childern from another marraige especially when these "childern" are adults.
I feel it's best to act as your husband's alley by being there for him when he wants advice or wants to simply vent about his situation, but do not get anymore involved than that. Same goes for how he should be when it comes to situations regarding your child.

I am the adult child of a step-parent. Luckily, for the most part, we get along great.

My step-father has 3 of us to deal with and it hasn't always been pleasant--especially with my 2 older siblings. But what has worked for him and us is his directness and openness. He had and has no problem letting us know what he thinks and how he feels. When he believes we step out of line, he tells us--in a non-confrontational way.

My theory is that when you knowingly marry a person that has children, you have to find a way to deal with them. It isn't fair to ask your husband to chose one family over the other. Its okay if you don't all get along, just sit down with them and come to term with some rules that allow you to co-exist peaceably.

Best of luck!

Rivertrail,

I see no responses since April, but want readers to knonw that what I am finding is that the more troubled the first marriage, the tougher time there may be with the adult stepchildren. My situation was similar to Rivertrail's, with the ex-wife/mother having a delusional disorder which led to her being paranoid and mean. I didn't fully understand how that would enter my marriage to the kids' father. They were 32 and 37. The first thing I noticed was very little respect of the father, who is still today, a very dear and generous person. We've been together 3 years, married a year and a half. His kids did not acknowledge him on Father's Day or on his birthday. They were enraged that he remarried, and the daughter had a sense of entitlement regarding her father supplimenting her during her last year of residency, dispite the fact her income was $40,000/year.

What I finally understood was that my husband had spent many horrific years with his former wife. He attached himself to his children with monitary support, advising and took their rude and thoughtless behavior without complaint. It took my being a reality check and his going to counseling for an unbiasing opinion to begin to see the need for change and to begin to set personal boundaries regarding treatment from his children. It is a slow process, but it is happening. It takes a lot of practice not to fall back into old ways of being with the children, and I, his wife, felt the pain of their treatment of him almost as painfully as he did. It was so very sad to watch.

These days, he has much more confidence in working with them. As his self assurance grew, he began to be less concerned about their rejecting him if he stood up for himself and so he confronts them much more often.

These changes have been the breaking of an old family relationship status quo that developed to survive a very difficult mother. The mother is such a core of a family that when she can't be there in a typical capacity, the whole family is off center. The children are not taught by her to respect their father, and often a mother like that undermines the father to the children, so they don't learn how to feel respect. When the family spins off, away from the mother, the behaviors continue, regardless of how painful.

My husband and I have bonded together for his healing, his happiness, and ultimately ours as a couple. Once a father can understand how important changing so his kids can change is, then he can be brave enough to pursue help to make that happen. Oh boy, we still hit bumps, but we know it will take more than understanding for things to get better - it will take practice, practice, practice. And love, forgiveness and respect.

while I agree that it isn't fair to ask one's spouse to "choose one family over the other," I am perplexed that some adult children essentially push to have their remarried parent to do just that.

I would love to be able to sit down with my adult stepdaughter and "come to terms" or "set rules" that would allow us to all interact as a family, but she has consistently refused to do that, stating that her father "chose" me *over her* and that she sees no reason in the world to include me in her life nor to participate in mine - with or without her father.

at this point, her father and I feel we must simply walk away from her and her demands. this is disappointing to me, but it is devastating to him.