BellaOnline Forums Relationships Domestic Violence Making peace with your abuser

I have a question to pose to all the wonderful people that pass through this forum. Is is possible to make peace with your abuser? Let me explain... I recently had to go to child support court with my abuser. He and I hadn't seen each other in person for almost a year. He doesn't see the kids...hasn't seen them since July 2004...this is by his choice not mine. Anyways, after court I asked him what to do with the rest of his clothes that are in my closest because we are getting ready to move. He answered me but before I walked away he was like "Jeanette I need to tell you something" I thought oh god he is going to say he loves me still or is with someone else. He looked me in the eye and said "I know I did very horrible things to you and the kids back then. I am truly sorry for everything I did" ANd I could tell he meant it. I was dumbfounded and didn't know what to say. He said "I am not saying that because I want to get back together. I am saying it because it needs to be said." I didn't say I forgave him. I just smiled, said thank you, and walked away. I will never trust him ever again nor will I ever take him back. But should I consider this as a ploy or a peace treaty? <img src="/images/graemlins/rolling.gif" alt="" />

Forgiveness is primarily about being able to lay the past aside, and stop carrying the hurt and pain, which only serve to drag us down and prevent us from 'moving on'.

Carl Jung said:
"The Past is over. Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past."

When I first read this quotation, it shook my Universe to its foundations. I realised that to prevent myself from forgiving those whom had caused me pain, was to continue to harbour the past, in the hope that my lack of forgiveness would act as some retribution against them. It dawned on me, like an explosive revelation, that Forgiveness let me off the hook. I could breathe again. And it felt wonderful.

You say that you are convinced he meant it.
Forgiveness doesn't mean you have to be a gullible Idiot. By all means withold your trust, if that is what you wish....Those who act against us must know and understand that the trust has to be earned again...That respect is not something to be expected, it is to be merited....

I'm thinking here, perhaps, that you think that if you forgive him, it means that therefore what he did becomes unimportant... It loses its impact and effect, and some part of you wants to hold on to that anger, as a justification or internal moral punishment for what he did.....

If you are convinced that he meant it - if you know within your heart of hearts that he was sincere and truly remorseful - then to NOT forgive him would actually be unMindful and not skilful....
You have a wonderful and rare opportunity here to rejoice in the ability of someone previously cruel and hurtful, seeing "The error of his ways".... This is surely something to be glad about?
To NOT forgive him at this juncture then, would simply be to keep the hurt, the resentment and the animosity alive....

So I would say to you:

Weigh, within your heart, the true advantages of the energies of Love, Compassion and Forgiveness, against those of Anger, Fear and Resentment.
Then Choose.

Never forgive those who abuse you physically. They would do that again. They believe that they have the right and power to do that. No man should ever abuse a woman.

It's not just men against women...There are countless thousands of instances of women against men....

But to not forgive means to labour under the endless effort of carrying this burden of anguish for the rest of your life.
And if you choose to not forgive, then carrying the pain and living with the hurt and grieviance is exactly that. Your Choice.
so if YOU choose to continue with all the negativity, then on your own head be it. You have shifted the responsibility of what happened, from them, to yourself.

But why hate yourself so much as to insist on persisting?

I know that I'm probably going to make myself the subject of mass disapproval by saying this, but yes, it's possible. I've done it and stayed with the man. I love him and although when it was happening (it did stop), I did go abroad, leaving him alone for a year (for my own sanity and safety). When I returned I still loved him and we tried again. After our son was born it stopped completely, apart from one rather odd incident recently, which I'm convinced won't recur. I find it a balancing act between compassion for someone else and for oneself - it's not easy, and there are residual feelings of unease, (I wouldn't go as far as resentment, although it was for a while). I put it down to being one of my 'life lessons', striking that balance. I wouldn't have stayed if he'd continued after I'd become pregnant, which speaks volumes for the state my 'sense of self' was at, and I'm aware that such behaviour is more likely to continue than not in the majority of cases. I just thought I'd share from my particular perspective as well.

Jane

in order to forgive my ex husband i separated his actions from the person this makes it a bit easier to do as you can forgive the person without feeling like you are saying what they did was ok for them to do!
it also helps disperse any feelings that go with it.
if you dont forgive it just eats you away which is as bad as what they did in the first place!
to forgive doesnt mean you have to trust!

At this point in time, I can't forgive him completely. He has finally went to counseling and isn't homeless anymore. He is getting his life together finally. I know he had a rough childhood. He witnessed abuse while growing up so I can see where some of his violent acts came from and he was aware of that as well but wouldn't go get help. He was very co-dependent on me. He expected me to take the place of his mother and take care of him but beat me up and emotionally abuse me when I wasn't "good enough". I am glad that he made a great change in his life and I want him to have a healthy relationship with his kids even if they have a soon-to-be step-dad who treats them like they are his own. ANd this is just my opinion but I personally think if I say I forgive you J., I think in his mind it will mean it was ok to abuse me. But that is how I feel.

What I think is really important is that no woman or man should be made to feel guilty for the way that they cope. For instance, people in abusive relationships often seek solace in telling others, but then feel guilty for not being able to follow through and actually leave. And that means that when it comes to a time when they actually need a more real sort of help, they feel stranded and ashamed. I personally felt that the only person who could comfort me was the person doing it to me, because by that stage I'd been so alienated. Every woman or man is an individual and even in that state of absolute despair, they need to keep hold of their own right to handle things as well as they can, without outer judgments. Does that make sense? I'm a bit 'waffley' today <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

best wishes - Jane <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

No, not waffly at all... I think you make a very good and valid point... Well said. <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

"Forgiveness is a gift that we give to ourselves, to set ourselves free." This was something that was told to me several months ago. While I believe it is true, I have struggled with forgiving my abuser. It sounds to me, Jeanette, like he was very sincere when he apologized. Yet, there is also the 'honeymoon' stage that victims and survivors go through; therefore, I would say that only time will tell. In the meantime, store his apology in a little pocket in your heart, until you feel more comfortable that his comment was truly sincere. That's just my thoughts on it. My ex still stalks and attempts to get together to do things, so I still have a difficult time of forgiving because he constantly does these things and doesn't seem to want to change. I think forgiveness is different for everyone and that we all process it on our own levels and on our own terms.