BellaOnline Forums Relationships Domestic Violence A male perspective

I have been on this site now for I would say a month or so. I am an abused husband. That was really hard. My wife has hit me a few times and of course, I have never hit her back. I have instructed her the next time she does it we are done and she hasn't done it since.

I have been meeting with a domestic violence group now for about four weeks trying to piece together why and what has happened. I have begun to realized repressed instances of abuse, mentally and physically I have endured. There have been times when I have been punched, held down, pinned in a room, yelled at for no reason and manipulated.

I feel for every single woman nad man who has to go through this and I am very sorry for what has happened to you. I pray you will be able to find peace in your life once again. During my meetings I have found getting out of that type of a relationship as soon as possible to be the best route.

There are many men who go through the same type of abuse that women go through only they are too afraid to speak about it. They don't want to look less macho. I have seen these men have a complete and utter fear of women, so much so, they don't feel comfortable being in the same room with any women. This is very sad.

Currently, I'm going to try and help these gentlemen to realize that they do not need to fear all women and that it was only one woman who did this to them and not all. I believe it is helping. I have forgiven my wife for her actions at this point, but I also know it would not be healthy for the situation to continue.

Everytime my wife gets angry I have a fear she is going to hit me, throw something, continue to yell, pin me down, not let me move, follow me.... It is crazy to live like this. Now that we are seperated I have a fear she is following me everywhere I go. I see her car everywhere I go and sometimes I think I see her.

The effects of this type of physical/mental violence are horrible. I just want you all to know that their is a light at the end of the tunnel and you can move on from this. It is not easy and everyone is entitled to their feelings. There will be set backs and if/when you see the abuser your stomach will tighten and you will feel horrible. I have found remaining calm and when the situation begins to escalate try to diffuse the situation by saying, "Ok, let's calm down for a minute." Then, bring up a very nice memory from your time together. This will calm them down and then proceed back to the original conversation.

Male victims are so often forgotten - I so admire you for speaking out and for offering your advice. It just illustrates the fact that abuse isn't about who's physically stronger, but who has an anger problem.

wishing you well - Jane <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Women are just as likely as men to resort to violence in a relationship.
They are more likely, however, to use a weapon, due to usual poor physical strength (in comparison to male muscular build) and are far more likely to not show remorse.

I know three men, my partner and two friends, who have also been the subjects of abuse at the hands of previous partners...

I think it's viewed as being very humiliating too... more than it would be the other way round, especially (in the case of my friends and partner) if you were to see the build of two of these guys....
I am so pleased that more men are speaking out now.

I think one of the reasons why few men speak out is that they fear humiliation. I praise your courage for speaking out.

It is good that you are speaking up for yourself AND reaching out to others...

Hi, Ladies.

Thank you very much for your encouragement abotu speaking out about this issue. I cannot tell you the hurt I see in these poor mens' eyes when they talk about how their spouses have beat on them.

It is very humiliating to admit to this, especially to other men. I'm 6'3" and weigh about 184 pounds. I'm in very good shape, so not "protecting" myself in the eyes of some friends is very humiliating, but I chose the higher rode as opposed to sinking to the same level.

Thank you for your support.

Thank you Eddie for sharing! The man I am with now was abused by one of his ex's. A lot of people especially other men think he is lying when he talks about it. He is 6'3" and weighs about 240 but he was raised to not hit a woman. She even held a knife to his throat but he did not strike her. Not even to get her off of him. I think one reason he never fought back was his fear of going to jail because 9 times out of 10 the cops will accuse the men of being an instigator or see her bruises and not his.

I agree with the police situation. I have a friend who is in this line of work. They are instructed to diffuse the situation, no matter who has the bruises or called. He said, they always take the man no matter what. He said, typically, you can tell who the abuser and abusee are when the women calls to drop the charges.

Fear of going to jail is one thing that always kept me from calling the police. The only true way of doing it would be to have a third neutral party witness the event, which is few and far between.

Eddie, I want to commend your courage in coming forward with the abuse you have endured. I know how difficult it must be for you. I have a few male friends that have also been abused and there are many stereotypes and stigmas that male victims of domestic violence must endure; therefore, oftentimes they don't admit to being abused. You are to be applauded for coming forward to help others.

As far as who the abuser is when the woman calls to drop the charges, it doesn't necessarily show who the abuser is and isn't. Many times, those women that are abused will drop the charges for various reasons. First, they love their abuser so much that they don't want to see them in trouble with the law. Second, there might be economical factors involved. Third, they may be thinking that the children need their father. Fourth, they may be terrified that by reporting the abuse, they will be in greater danger than they previously were.

There are many reasons why a woman will call and drop the charges and quite honestly, I believe that men that are abused go through these same thought patterns when deciding whether or not to report the abuse they endure, not to mention the shame that is placed on them when they speak out about their being a victim.

Anyway, it's only 4 AM here, so I hope I'm making sense.

you are very brave for speaking out. this is my first encounter of a male confessing on being abused by his wife. i think you did a very good decision on the separation. im a female and hated violence and i would certainly do the same thing if i'm in your place.

continue to be strong and be steadfast on your mission to help other abused husbands,.