BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Does the woman get 'blamed' for being childfree?

Certainly being childfree is a shared choice, but why is it that society tends to pin the decision on the woman? I know my husband's mother and sister blame me for our childfree decision (though he is even more anti-kid than I am!). Perhaps b/c it's usually the woman that really WANTS kids, so in this case it must be that the woman really DOESN'T want kids. Have you ran across this?

I haven't dealt with it personally, but I can kind of see why society doesn't usually take the man into consideration. After all, we women are the ones who birth babies. Ultimately, we are responsible for whether or not we get pregnant. (Unless it is sexual assault, but that's a matter for a different forum).

But what people need to understand about childfree couples is that it is a mutual decision. It has to be. I can't imagine a marriage thriving if one person wants a child and the other one doesn't.

in our case, we are childfree, but not by choice. i am unable to conceive. jeff could go out and have all the children he wants with someone else if he wanted to. fortunately, he is a faithful husband who loves me whether or not we have kids. but i definitely feel like i'm to blame even though he's never made me feel that way.

it does bother me when people i barely know ask me if we have kids. when i say no, they inevitably respond with, "why not, don't you like kids?" wonder why they never ask jeff that. hmmm? it's always me. but then again, it's usually women who ask. men would rather talk about other things. and they can be taken off subject quickly with conversations about the dog or somesuch.

i've been called selfish before because i don't have children. i've also been called selfish because i desire children when i can't have them. again, usually by other women. <img src="/images/graemlins/wall.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

I am definitely sympathetic to your situation, but I just wanted to clarify that by using the term childfree, I refer to people who choose not to have children. I would consider you childless, but of course, you can use whatever term works for you.

It's nobody's business if you plan to have children or not. I am always astonished and appalled when people ask (and my husband gets asked about it more than I do, believe it or not). It's insensitive, because the person might not have children for reasons beyond their control, and it's just plain nosey. I get so disgusted with people asking that question all the time. My life is about much more than procreation.

I would say if the woman gets "blamed" for being childfree it would be because of outdated gender roles. In the olden days, a man could be anything he wanted, but a woman was supposed to be a homemaker and child-bearer.

Today things are different and it is insane for anyone to "blame" the woman for a couple's decision to be childfree.

I have never had that sort of situation happen. Hubby and I back each other up on this, and often if we are in conversation with others about it, we are both present. It's hard to blame it on one half of the couple when both halves are present and saying the same things.

There shouldn't be blame in a childfree situation at all because it's just a decision like any other. There should be no blame when both halves of the couple agree and are happy with their decision.

Just my two cents. : )

But of course, ALL women want children! Didn't you know that??? Any woman who doesn't is a freak of nature! *snort*

Frankly, I would think more women than men would be CF--after all, women ARE usually the ones who have to deal with the consquences of childbearing the most--not just pregnancy and labor, but also the brunt of the care of the child in many (most?) cases.

Yes, the woman definitely gets "blamed" because women are the "carriers of the seed," (insert rolling eye icon here); therefore, it's "all a woman's fault" or soemthing must be wrong with the woman if she decides to be childfree. Rarely does the blame and even anger and shift to a man.

I believe my MIL blames me for her son deciding not to have a kid. Um, this is something he and I BOTH agreed upon. If he wanted to have a kid, he and I wouldn't be together.

Exactly. When I told a friend that I wasn't having any kids, she asked me, "Why, don't you like kids?" It has nothing to do with whether or not I like kids, but about a PERSONAL CHOICE I made for myself that she chose not to, now that friend is stuck with a grown-[censored], ungrateful kid who only calls her when he needs something. She complains to me about him, too. Questioning my decision about remaining childfree gets old!

Try working as a psychotherapist and telling people you don't want children. I was amazed when this one woman actually said "you're a psychotherapist and you don't want children." What is that supposed to mean?!? I didn't say a "child psychotherapist." I have worked with children in the past, and yes, some of them have reinforced my decision to remain childfree and get a "lunch hour" tubal ligation if they existed. But, that doesn't mean that I don't like children because I don't want any children.
I am not telling anyone how to live their lives but all of a sudden this same respect doesn't apply to those that are childfree. The anti-CF seem to think we all hate children, are selfish, secretly desire to have children, are too stupid to know ourselves to trust we don't want children, are missing out on the single GREATEST thing on this earth, and will live to regret our decision. But, no one ever directs this to men, I am not even sure if women would ever say these things about a man that doesn't want children.