BellaOnline Forums Family Moms Looking for Stepmums

Looking for Stepmums who have dealt/deal with difficult BM. I'm talking being abused by the BM and using kids has weapons and shields.

Need sound advice.

Maddy x

There are a few of us here (myself included) who have been through exactly this! What's up?

Hi Nikki,

Thanks for your reply.

DH and his ex have been divorced five years. I have been with DH three years (Married one). <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Before I arrived on the scene BM had denied her children contact with their Dad by involving them in disputes.

Since I arrived on the scene she's switched the hate campaign to me. I have been falsely accused of abusing her- Then she witheld her landline number using me as her excuse why she witheld it. So poor kids can't have contact with Dad and vice versa.

My son has learning and understanding disabilities. She tells her children he's just naughty and to pick on him.

She tells my DH and I to do as she says or we can't have children. Although DH has stood his ground on this and has taken this further, she denies such actions and has got away with lying. She claims it's twisted fabrication and convinced the courts she has never denied contact and is telling the truth. It was dismissed.

Unfortunately they're not here now to see for themselves we are going through hell with the BM.

I know there is nothing we can do to stop her and accept this. We keep telling the children we do want them and love them dearly. To a degree this has paid off.

I just get so uptight every time the phone goes, the letterbox goes, text messaging and e-mails. It causes me a great deal of stress and wondered what it takes to relax and handle the situation when it arises.

Maddy x

Maddy, One your doing a great job by staying strong in this whole thing, I know it can become very hard when it comes to being a stepmom.....your still showing your love for your kid's and trying to hold the family together........your husband has to be applaud too for standing his ground.
I would say you and the family need a vacation, that's the only key to relax or maybe great fun at home with the family.....or try to relieve some stress...........try these links below I hope they help.
Budget Travel Sheri Goeser Stritof


Stepparenting Tamla Mc Donald-Thompson


stressmanagement Debbie Mandel

Ty so much for your reply. <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I'm a good person and will always do my best but as you can imagine it's tiresome at why someone can be so bitter when they don't even know you.

I found the link to Stess Management very useful and reading through it now. I know one day I will learn to let it ride and not be so anxious. <img src="/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Just heard that her partner is moving in and talking babies! So fingers crossed she'll move on and get rid of the bitter hatred. <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Ty again for your help!

Maddy x

Maddy, I understand you because I'm a stepparent, I get the same reaction from my husband ex-wife.....but I try to look at the good points.......I'm married and have a son with my husband and now I have three sons..... and two sons from his ex-wife.......it's hard.....but truly I think is ex's still like him.....so she use anger as a way to cause trouble between them.......one day she crying her heart out to him and next she anger at him......my husband is associate minister.....so he try is best to stay focus on life......but it's hard when you have one person trying to hurt for no reason.

Hi Maddy -

<<<HUGS>>>>

Along with everyone else's great replies, one of the most important things I can suggest for you to do is to get with your husband to decide and implement some firm boundaries. So often in situations where the children are shared, the boundaries between the adult relationships are so skewed that it becomes unhealthy for all. Many a second marriage ends in divorce over uninformed or much-needed boundaries that never found their way to implementation!

For one, you and your DH need to decide on acceptable methods and times of communication. This usually need not be more often than at drop-offs and pick-ups. If there needs to be further communication, decide on a time that works best for your family/marriage and communicate that to the BM. If she's like my BM, she will likely challenge this, in action, if not in word. That is fine. That is where yourself and your DH come together to impose these boundaries. Get caller Id if you don't already have it and do not pick it up if calls come in outside the communication parameters you have outlined. If you are worried about genuine emergencies, the 10 extra seconds it will take to check an answering machine message will not make or break the outcome of an emergency and you will soon find out that 99.9% of the interruptions are not only non-emergencies but completely unnecessary and could have waited until a drop-off/pick-up, at very least.

Cell phone usage is a common area where boundaries need to be created. There is nothing more frustrating than having a night out with your husband only to be interrupted by his ex-wife! I suggest changing any cell phone numbers she might know and not sharing any future numbers. As long as she has a way to access your DH for important parental information (i.e. your home phone number), there is no reason why she needs to have instant and unlimited access to either of you.

Additionally, I *highly* suggest you cut off all email/IM contact completely. It is just not necessary to have such constant communications going between you all when things are so high-conflict. This will go SO far to alleviate your stress.

Finally, you should never be part of these communications other than acting as a consultant to your husband! You have no relationship with your husband's ex-wife - only he does and you should encourage him to do all the talking and advocating for his kids with his ex-wife.

When it comes to the kids communicating with their Mother, it is important to leave those lines of communication untouched, in my opinion. If the kids ask to talk to their Mother, they should be allowed. However, if the Mother uses your new boundaries as an excuse to overly-impose on the children via phone/email/IM, it is perfectly acceptable to set reasonable limits on phone calls as well. After all, it is your parenting time, not hers. Likewise it is important to respect and not to impose on her parenting time.

As far as the denial of visitation, it sounds like you are all doing the right things. Just make sure you are documenting EVERYTHING and keep those records indefinitely! Keeping records in pen is best but a computer will do if necessary. Every refusal of visitation should be recorded with details about the circumstance surrounding the refusal. Any threats should be logged as well. In some states, it is legal to record phone calls and that is a great way to document her lies. Be sure to research the laws in your state.

Good luck and hang in there! The lesser contact you have, the more you will be able to handle the stress when it inevitably occurs!

Thanks for your reply!

I don't make communication with my DH ex. She calls the house and says just ringing to tell you.....I have replied recently, DH has his own phone can you not call him on that and tell him yourself. Then she starts ranting so I put the phone down. 10 mins later the kids call and says stop abusing my Mum! DH has asked her to call him but she will not oblige to this. You know I use to say hello and smile and that's something I do not do anymore. I get filthy looks and get keep you big fat gob out of this! What's the point?!

All lines of communication are open for the children at anytime with their BM, family and friends. That's not ceased and will not be. Her lines of communication are restricted to a mobile and like she said I can switch that off anytime I want. She does and it took us all day to get hold of her to tell her the kids Grandparent had died. <img src="/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

We have documented everything and five years of diaries. She says it's twisted fabrication but I don't think the kids will forget what happened? :rolleyes:

I'm actually getting better atm. Becoming numb to it all. Did have SS in tears this week because BM says he looks like his Dad and it's a reminder of his failed past. Of course it upset him. Once upon a time I would have been infuriated at this remark. Now I feel pity. Feel sorry for my SS but I can't control what damage she is doing to her relationship with her kids.

There's only one involvement I have.......Be there for my Skids! <img src="/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Maddy x