BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Looking for advice

I'm quite new to this and dont really know what to expect but I'm hoping to find sincere honest opinions.

My friends are telling me I am being mentally abused by my husband and I'm not sure if thats whats going on. Our battles are over who does what. 5+ yrs ago he took over his family business after his brother tried to sabotage it. I was asked to handle bookkeeping even though I had just recently left my FT job to start my own business. Because the family business was an established one I agreed thinking it would be temporary or at the very least one I could handle PT while moving forward with my own. Unfortunately our youngest was diagnosed as dyslexic shortly afterwards and without getting into unnecessary details I ended up having to homeschool so my business was put on hold. During this adjustment period we worked 24/7, saved the business and our kid was finally able to make transition into high school this yr.

The business is still in my inlaws name even though they said they want to turn it over to us - they havent worked or made business decisions 5 yrs now but they have control over us via my husband which he denies. The way they control him is by "needing" things done constantly - always a project underway, they have a rental property he's renovated & manages for them without compensation. We have a rental property that makes us look like slumloards. Our house that we built 13 yrs ago still is partially unfinished - no MBR which isn't a huge deal(btw he sleeps on sofa) but my big pet peeves have been: our yard has never been graded, no gutters, cedar shingles on the roof are rotting, still have lights needed installed, smoke detectors not all in. I could go on but you get the point.

The long so-called "honey do" list has transgressed into more important problems, namely disciplining our youngest. Like all teens he's on the computer IMing always which is why he got a F last semester. I caught him having cybersex once. He basically ignores me now when I tell him to do something. I've always had to be the disciplinarian and have pleaded to my husband to intervene for our sons sake but with feedback such as "what do you want me to do hit him?" I'm at a loss and worn out half the time.

My husband has been all talk and no action on just about everything except the business and his parents. He gets mad and tells me I should leave sometimes and that the kids even say things to him about me. When I ask what, he has no answer - I know he's lying but it hurts. He's asked me on a few occasions what it would take for me to leave. I've lost a lot of self-confidence over the past couple of yrs and I'm angry with myself for letting it happen but the fact is I feel like I'm between and rock and a hard spot. I'm not the type just to walk out mostly because of my kids but also because I'm afraid.

I'm sorry this is so long but thanks for reading if you did.

Hi,

You started out by saying you feel mentally abused, but some of your examples express your frustration with the way in which he is handling items in your life. I suggest going to counseling in order to get a controlled conversation about the issues you are having with work not getting done around the house.

Now, what he is talking to you about when he gets mad should not be said and I'm sure it hurts you deeply. Do you tell him these words hurt you?

First off - take the computer privileges away from the child. They are privileges, not rights. He can do homework at the library if needed, or the old fashioned way through books! If he is breaking rules, he needs to learn consequences. He also needs to learn that you are his mother, hiw parent, and that you are not impotent in this matter. Otherwise things are only going to ccontinue to get worse. Don't rise to the bait with yelling, screaming, or debating - just say "this is how it's gonna be."

As far as the business goes, your husband needs to see what a dead-end this is. I used to work with my mother's catering business, which while successful, sucked up a lot of family hours, especially when people called in at the 11th hour, because guess who got to fill in. This finally got to be too much, and I resigned. It felt like turning my back on my Mom, but on the other hand - she is a grown woman who made this career choice for herself. When I got married I vowed to pu my husband and new family (kids) first. And they needed to be my first priority. The same goes for your husband.

I agree with Eddie that the two of you may need counseling. It is hard to change after so long. And at this point at may have to be family counseling, considering that many arguments seem to be involving the kids and discipline.

But there seems to be a lot left unsaid. You speak of mental abuse, yet nothing I've read yet really seems to fall into that category - merely arguments. Something wrose must be going on or you wouldn't have brought up the word abuse.

Oh, and when a spouse uses the term "Well maybe you should just leave then" it is one of two things; 1. they want out and are too chicken to do it themselves, or 2. they are terrified you might leave so they keep bringing it up hoping to make you feel guilty about it so you won't (reverse psychology)

You need to figure out which one your husband is trying or point blank ask him. But be ready for the answer if you do.

Thank you both for reading. I'm sorry I should have mentioned we have been through counseling. We went for a few months every week. We stopped because my husband felt the counselor was only telling him things he needed to change/do. Our counselor said the exact same thing as you Bella about taking computer privileges away from son if necessary. I've tried but without my husband backing me it doesn't happen hence my frustration.

As I said before it has been friends who labeled this mental abuse. I think its because they have heard him belittle me so much. Personally I think its more of a control issue - because he resents being controlled by his parents which he denies profusely however when I insist he put our family first (ie discipline son, house etc) he regains authority/control by doing or not doing whatever the case may be. Meanwhile I'm left to deal with a child whose father isn't doing him any favors and worse my son is getting a lousy lesson on how to treat women. I even called my sons school last semester to let them know what was happening at home and I think my husband was a bit embarrassed so he involved himself by talking to some teachers but thats as far as it went. They told him the same thing - take away privileges! I'm usually strong and persistent but recently I've been feeling totally helpless, tired and deeply hurt. My husband is determined to do his own thing I think.

The probability of him leaving the business is zilch! This is the one and only job my husband has ever had and it will never happen. I'm smart enough to know what battles can be won and this isn't one of them.

I sincerely appreciate your perspectives on this as mine has been cloudy. Perhaps I need individual counseling if for nothing else to regain some strength. Thanks again.

Individual counseling is one of the best things I have ever done for myself. Your husband sounds like he does like to have control and has suppresed his feelings about his parents control for so long, that you are becoming the brunt of the storm. I kind of feel for him a bit because he has been conditioned by his parents to be controlled and that by being controlling with you he is showing his love. I know kind of sick.

My wife in our last counseling session explained, she will think about doing something with me, not ask me, think about what I would say I would want to do, and then propose to me what I would want to do. She said, she was putting my needs before hers all the time. This in my mind, after some reflection, has led me to believe she was manipulating and controlling me. She explained that she has put the needs of others before her own her whole life due to being the eldest in her family and in order to please her siblings and parents.

This was a very interesting insight that I never would have found out about if we didn't go to counseling together. I think your husband should go for individual counseling as well, so he can eventually learn how controlling his parents are and how he can break free and live.

This will be very difficult for the both of you, because, he will now know his needs and will not be sure if his needs will be met by your relationship, but if you think he is being verbally or mentally abusive then you must address this with yourself and come to terms with it.

I just recently realized how manipulating, controlling, and physically and verbally abusive my wife has been towards me. In therapy, I have been able to explore repressed memories and feelings that I had just brushed aside. This has been very difficult for me because I love my wife dearly, but I also don't deserve her actions.

You are so right about the learned behavior but in this day and time and especially after counseling you'd think he would at least make an effort. It leads me to believe he doesn't 'want' to for whatever reason. I feel for him too - feel sad because he's missing out on what could be a totally fulfilling relationship with his children and me.

Writing and reading my own words here along with the responses has made me realize that maybe I've been trying to magically 'fix' things. Wishful thinking I know and maybe part of the mom syndrom having to fix this and that all these years.

I want to wish you well eddie with your own situation. You sound very level headed and your right about deserving better treatment. That's something everyone needs to realize and never loose sight of. Thank you for helping me remember it and good luck to you.

In all honesty it seems like he just doesn't care. He's said several times for you to leave. Do it, file for divorce take the kids and get out. Work out the visitation, the child support. You never know, maybe leaving and finally starting that business of yours is all you need, well kids included of course. I don't see any mental abuse though just a guy that won't stand up to his family. He certainly stands up to you it seems. As for the computer issue, lock it up if you have to in your room.

why dont you put a block on your sons computer then he doesnt have a choice.
why dont you arrange with a friend to go off for the day and dont tell anyone go and pamper yourself have some fun and come home when you are ready let your husband and son fend for themselves you never know it might show them what they are missing if nothing else it will make you feel good!

Ladybuggar, I sense your pain and know how hard it is to make logical decisions about your future. Everyone has been making alot of good ideas and suggestions to you, and I have a couple more to add. You don't think your husband is being a good role model for your son on how to treat women. I suggest that YOU show your son how a woman can be loving and strong, independent of any man controlling her. That way, you are teaching him how to treat women with respect and independence. <img src="/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I think what Michell, alicat and tknicol are saying to you about your son and his usage on the computer are right on target! YOU have ultimate control of the computer. Disconnect the modem or the cable so that he will not have access to the internet. Tell him that it will remain disconnected until HE makes the changes that are necessary to earn back the privilage to go online and can prove that he is responsible enough to maintain his grades.

Eddie said that individual counseling was one of the best things that he did for himself. Your husband has taken alot of your self esteem away and replaced it with doubts and tiredness. That is probably from all the arguing that is always going on. Just stop it, get some counseling for yourself, make some future plans, do like alicat says and plan a day off to pamper yourself. Don't be there when they expect you a few times, while you take care of you. Get started with your business again or figure out where you can work and make good money to support yourself and your son. <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You will be surprised to find that you will start to have more enery and will feel more positive about the future if you start to make future plans for yourself and your son, continue to let your heart and soul pour out here to some new friends, find a counselor, and take steps to be a good, single parent. Your husband has not been much of a partner to you, a parent to your son, a caregiver of your home and family and his comments don't appear to lean in the direction of making any positive moves. I think all the people who have given you advice about getting your affairs in order, quitting your "part-time/full-time" job is something that you might should think about.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. Hang tough. Don't let your husband bully you into being weak or feeling inferior. He can't control you unless you allow him to. Your son can't abuse his computer privileges if you disconnect the internet. My kids tried to run our lives until I disconnected our internet. They learned to appreciate and respect rules and restrictions. Now there are limits and we are all happier. <img src="/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Best of Luck! Keep us posted. We really do care and pray for you to have strength to do what is necessary to correct this situation. God Bless you and your family. <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Trish

be firm in disciplininng your son. don't easily give in. with regard to your husband not backing you up, don't be discouraged.don't expect him to do so since he obviously showed that he just don't care. show your son that your'e strong and remind him that you are his mom by not letting him use the computer. he's not using it for productive purposes anyway.

good luck!