Finding My Voice
A victim is the best person to write about wife abuse since she has
experienced all the emotions associated with the effects of being
emotionally, physically or sexual abuse. She can articulate her feelings
because she has felt them to the depth of her being. She can recognize the
changes the abuse made in her life and also can estimate the small steps she
has made in her life to regain her self esteem. This person is someone
who has finally found her voice and now lets it roar as she
re-establishes herself: mind and body and spirit. I spread the word whenever
and wherever possible in the hopes that someone who is hurting will find the
courage to make the necessary changes in their lives.
Abuse always sneaks up on you. You rationalize those moments of weirdness as
just anger or brief outbursts on your partner�s part. You accept the flowers
and the �I am sorry� talk because you know he really loves you and didn�t
really mean it. It is only after a long period that you finally get it. You
start to examine why you are overweight, underweight, depressed or just too
damn numb to actually participate in daily living. You blame yourself and
wonder what is wrong. You blame others for turning away from you and don�t
realize that you in fact were the one who was pushing them out of your life.
You were too embarrassed to let others see your pain.
It is extremely hard to play pretend all the time. You can�t share with
people about the pain that you are feeling because you feel it is your
entire fault and are shamed by that fact. It is important to you to hide the
abuse behind closed doors and pretend that all is wonderful so others don�t
think the worse of you. You, unfortunately, relay that message to your
children as well. The end result is that the whole family lives a fantasy
life to the world around them but the reality behind closed doors is one of
abuse. Self-esteem is shattered for the whole family and all members
withdraw into themselves in order to survive each day.
It is finding your voice that proves to be liberating! It is the
acknowledgement that the fault lies with the person dishing out the abuse
rather than the person(s) on the receiving end of it. It is the rebuilding
of one�s self esteem that is time consuming and never ending. It is the joy
in helping another abuse victim free herself that gives me strength to carry
on with my work. It is the knowledge that my children will find their
strength as I find mine and improve my parenting. It is the incredible power
I feel knowing that we, as a family, are now armed with knowledge and
healing that will empower us to look for the signs of abuse in each new
relationship. It is the emancipation of my spirit that empowers me.
I wrote a piece entitled �So You Think You Know Me! � It embodies all that
an abused woman feels and the courage it takes in formulating a plan to get out
safely. It also puts out the word to those who mistakenly thought they knew
the real me. It is my hope that words like mine will open up the eyes of
those around me so that they see beyond the superficial and instead look at
the depth of the woman who stands before them. If they do that, they will be
able to see the emotion behind the words, the pain behind the eyes and the
weariness of their attitude. Only when they can see clearly the woman
standing before them, can they begin to help by being supportive in ways
that the woman needs in order to heal her spirit and her soul. It is my
dream to save one woman at a time by showing her that she is indeed worth
saving!
So You Think You Know Me!
Did you know that I felt Helpless in my abusive relationship due to his
drinking?
Did you know that I mustered all the manners and class I could, not to whine
to his business friends.
Did you know that I felt Ashamed of myself that I didn�t leave the first
time he struck the children when drunk?
Did you know that when I Feared for our lives because he was so drunk and
out of control, I fled to a place of safety with the children?
Did you know how Confused I felt not knowing what opinions would be
acceptable that day for him?
Did you know that I Loved him too much to think he would be unable to change
for me?
Did you know how Used I felt when he was so drunk that he would vomit and
then crawl on top of me just so he could have someone to masturbate into.
Did you know I suffered and cried silently because being used was easier
than having to risk the children waking up and hearing him degrade me
because I said no.
Did you know how Hurt I was when his drunken rampages were directed towards
me and I was blamed for all of his problems.
Did you know how much Conflict I felt because of the mixed messages I
constantly received from him on just about every topic (ex. good mom &
horrible mom)?
Did you know how Belittled I felt when he would put down women in general?
Did you know how Hopeless I felt when I finally decided to sleep on the
couch for 6 months in the hopes that he would love me enough to stop
drinking
Did you know how Trapped I felt when I would have to hide in the bathroom
just to avoid his verbal barrage of what a piece of [censored] I was?
Did you know that I Blamed myself for a long time that he was unhappy and
tried to change anything that I could to keep the peace?
Did you know that I suddenly got Wise and realized that it wasn�t the fact
that our first home was mine, or the fact I had 3 kids in two years, or that
I was fat or thin, or that I was working or not, or that I loved him or
didn�t....... that made him unhappy?
Did you know how Panicky I was when I couldn�t lock a door to be safe
because he took the door jams off most of the doors?
Did you know how Embarrassed I was that our children witnessed his drunken
behavior?
Did you know how Frustrated I was when I had to take my keys because he
loved to lock me out of the house, (especially during those lovely times at
4am) when ever he was drunk.....? just to prove he was the boss?
Did you know that I felt so Numb that I lost my voice to demand to be
treated with respect in my own home?
Did you know that I was Voiceless in who was welcome in my own home since my
friends were not rich and powerful enough for the him and therefore not
welcomed or treated with respect while they were there?
Did you know that I felt Unlovable so anyone who liked me as a person was
seen as a threat and I was reminded that they just wanted me for sex? (there
could be no other reason).... whether male or female?
Did you know that I finally felt like I was in a state of Nothingness and
unworthy to be loved?
Did you know how Isolated I felt because I couldn't share myself or my home
with others?
Did you know how Bewildered I was about why or how I had allowed my life to
be like that?
Did you know that I got Quiet and stopped sharing my opinions because I knew
that I would be berated for them once we got behind the closed doors of
home?
Did you know how Hurtful it was to me that he would never acknowledge the
abuse... if he didn�t remember, it didn�t happen!
Did you know that once I Grasped the realization that he would never change,
I opened a business so I would have something to trade for my home?
Did you know how Meticulous I became as I formulated a plan to leave the
marriage safely?
Did you know that I finally got the Courage to go for counselling for
families who live with someone who abuses alcohol?
Did you know I finally felt Hopeful after 3 months of counselling on my own
while trying to rebuild my self esteem?
Did you know that I finally found my Voice after talking to my children and
hearing their pain about how the abuse affected them?
Did you know how Shattered I felt when I learned the extent of their
feelings about the verbal and physical abuse directed towards them?
Did you know how Angry I felt when I learned that they were told repeatedly
that they were worthless human beings who would never amount to much?
Did you know the Despair I felt when he would not move out because I
deserved nothing and all belonged to him?
Did you know how Motivated I became when after the 3rd time he threatened to
kill me, I knew that I would be just another silent witness if I didn�t take
drastic moves to end my marriage safely?
Did you know that I Selfishly put my needs first and looked for a woman who
could take care of him, someone who had independent means, who was an
enabler and would ask nothing for herself and only live to make his life
happy?
Did you know that I am Ecstatic that he chose his girlfriend because I was
able to lock him out of the house since he now had somewhere to go?
Did you know I now feel Peaceful and can sleep nights?
Did you know that I am Relaxed now that my children and I are safe?
Did you know that I have not Said a word to his business friends about the
divorce even though the girlfriend is not showing as much class?
Did you know that I am Scared about being alone and broke as ever but still
feel elated about my freedom?
Did you know how Sad your comment about knowing me made me feel because you
are very intelligent and should know better? There is always something that
breaks down a marriage and abuse is always behind closed doors. When a smile
disappears from a woman�s face and his children stop respecting him.... look
for the reason.....
Do you know that I am finally happy even though I grieve what could have
been?
We will all heal in time!
Monica
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Last edited by mirly; 06/28/06 10:34 AM.
