BellaOnline Forums Health and Fitness Autism Spectrum Disorders ex husband does not accept autism diagnosis

I just wanted to know if anyone else had problems getting their ex or current partner to accept a diagnosis of Autism. Fiona, my youngest autistic child was diagnosed at 14 months old and will now turn 3 in May. My ex-husband still does not accept her diagnosis and it drives me bonkers. When we were married, he actively avoided any contact with the doctors and therapists and the only appt he went to was when we took her to Riley's Autism Center, and only because I was in a huge leg brace and crutches at the time and couldn't make the 3 hr drive. I am very proactive and outspoken about autism, particularly because everyone thinks of Rainman and doesn't see what these kids are capable of doing. I just want him to open his eyes and see her and accept her for who she is.

Christina

my ex didn't accpet the diagnosis until my son was almost 10 years old! And then I think it probably had more to do with the fact that he knew he was about to face me in court for not giving our son his medications than anything else!

In my ex's case, I believe he always assumed that the autistic gene came from him. We pretty much know the ADHD did. So I think he was scared to admit the diagnosis, because he was afraid it might be hs "fault".

See, I'm more inclined to think it's my "fault" - something I did during pregnancy (diet coke maybe?), or immunizations.

But I do believe that was the major reason that was why he was so afraid to face the RX for so long. Maybe your ex is having the same problem. He might need to go through some counseling to deal with this reality himself. But if he ever starts to interfere with your daughter's care or learning - take it to the courts. Don't get nasty, just ask that he undergo counseling or courses about autism - because it sounds like he is vastly underinformed!

Christina - does your ex husband have joint custody? Does he live nearby you to be involved with the girls, or not part of that aspect of their lives?

My kids father is paranoid schizophrenic and can only get supervised visitation with the kids, but first must have therapy to comprehend autism and that has not been done and most likely won't since he is off meds and on the streets of San Francisco.

I wrote an article about the process of a custody evaluation and supervised visits:

http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art36031.asp

I would have him copied on all assessments, etc so that he can absorb the information at his leisuree.

Is he remarried, does he get kids on the weekend and overnights?

He only gets Fiona one day a week for an overnight which we both agreed to. He is supposed to have her at his mom's house about an hour away, because it is an environment she knows. However, I found out that he frequently has the entire extended family over at the same time which causes her a lot of stress. I also found out that he is taking her to his girlfriend's house occasionally too. I don't mind too much because she is learning to play with other children, but I think it overloads her because when she comes home, her schedule is completely off, her spinning and toe walking increases and her obsessions increase. I fight all week to get her back to her normal schedule and routine, spending countless hours up with her in the middle of the night only to find her sleeping underneath the bed in the morning. After about 3 days, she starts to do better, but then he changes the day he comes and that throws everything off. I constantly reiterate to him the importance of keeping a schedule with her and a routine even if it's inconvenient and I think he just blows it off. He has a mentally challenged brother and a sister that's "not quite right" (I think she exhibits many characteristics of autism), and he is OCD. He has always treated his brother and sister badly and I don't want it spreading to his daughter. I know he yells at her, I can tell. She will come home and be hysterical and I have to drive her around for an hour to calm her down. I also suspect that someone is spanking her. I don't agree with this kind of punishment as I have never spanked any of my children, I think it just teaches violence. I just can't prove it. I have had several of her therapists mention that it might be better if she had no contact with him, but she loves her dad and expects to go overnight with him when she sees him. I keep flooding him with information and articles, but sometimes I think I'm pushing too much and he should try on his own. I know I'm getting tired physically and emotionally from trying to get her back on schedule and something has to change.

Spanking is not good at all for an autistic child - they cannot understand it as punishment. All they know is they are being hit, and it often leads to violence on their part as they get older. This must stop.

I know you hate to do this, but it looks like the court is going to have to step in on this one. Your daughter needs things that her father is not providing - even though he has been informed. First step though should be for the doctor or counselor to write out a letter to him explaining what her needs are, and for you to write out her schedule; take both, have copies made and taken to a (auugh those people with the seals, I can't think of the name!) to stamp, and then give him a copy and you keep a copy.

Then when it comes time to go to the courts, you have this to show to the court system saying that you provided him with something informing him of what your daughter needed exactly.

Your daughter cannot understand what she needs right now, and this is something that is common to all children of divorce, hers is just worsened by the autism. <img src="/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Michelle - do you mean notarized?

Good information about writing the schedule down.

I having the same problem. Lauryn's dad is in "la la land" about it. When she is acting out he wants her to be "normal"
it's real upsetting to me. we also write a schedule down. <img src="/images/graemlins/wall.gif" alt="" />

Bonnie - Yes! Notarized! Auuuuugh, that feels so much better. <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I hate it when I can't think of a word!

I'm actually on here under my husbands user name. I too have an ex-husband who has had a lot of trouble accepting the fact that his only son to carry on the family name has autism. He thinks it's just the way that I'm raising him. We have been divorced since our son was only a year old. He's now almost 12 years old. You would think after all this time he would be able to accept it, but he hasn't. He says that he does but every time he hears about behavior problems at my house or school he blames me and/or the teacher. I have tried to provide my ex with information regarding autism. He has spoken with the same professionals that I have. Our son has been hospitalized twice in a pediatric psych ward and he spoke to those professionals as well. I think my ex has some of the same characteristics my son does which could also be part of the problem. I think he-my ex, was just undiagnosed and his family thought he had learning disabilities. I thought he was just plain mean. Anyway...sometimes they just refuse to see what is right in front of them. I went through a custody battle and won. Now he still tries to get me to "just give him a chance to prove our son would do better with him." I won't put my son through the trauma to prove a point to my ex.

let's face it ladies, most guys are jerks about their special needs kids. all the lamenting on earth isn't gonna change it, so just hit them up for extra child support & alimony!