BellaOnline Forums Family Moms need help with step parenting

I have been with my fiance for 6 years and we have 2 daughters together ages 5yrs and 18mos. He also has a 9 yr old daughter from his first marriage. When I first hooked up with him, it was hell dealing with his daughter and her mother ( the ex-wife) understandable though. It was a new situation for everyone. Although she was the one who left. Anyway, when she found out I was pregnant with our first daughter she freaked out. It was so bad sometimes I don't know why I stuck in there.
She did everything she could to make life miserable for us. including poisoning her kid against me and mine.leaving my fiance in a very tough spot. To make a long story short. We are still together and now have 2 kids and we are planning on getting married in the next year. Things are still very difficult when it comes to his past.
I'll admit I am no saint, I have fought back against this women many times and said things I now regret. But now that his daughter is older and can actually see for herself that we are not "bad paople" and that my kids are not "evil monsters" she loves to come over. I think she really wants to be a part of our family. For the first time in 6 yrs she gave me a hug all on her own about 3 weeks ago. It was great. But when we send anything to her in the mail she never gets them same thing with phone calls our messages just happen to get erased.
Is there anybody who knows a good way to deal with her mother? I'm at the point were it doesn't seem worth trying anymore. And I know it's not the kids fault, but I'm going to be her step mom soon and I can only imagine what horror that will bring. I'm actually afraid to have his daughter at or in my wedding because her mother already ruined my daughters christening. How sad is that. I would love any advise, but please don't tell me to try to be her friend because she has caused way to much damage to repair.

I am sorry that I can't give you the perfect answer. I've never been a step-parent so I can't give first hand account of what should be done to make it better.

Does she have someone in her life? It seems like she is making your life miserable because she is disatisfied with hers. She see's you being happy with her ex-husband -- even though she left -- and that makes her mad. You're there, she's not.

She seems the type that will never be happy unless someone else is miserable and unfortunately you were picked because you are with her ex-husband and possibly gaining a relationship with "her" daughter. That could have been the starter.

You are a strong individual and your family will remain strong the more you don't allow her childish behavior to get in. For your step-daughter you should be decent in her presence but know one says that you need to be friends.

HI,
Thanks for the reply. I'll take any advice I can get. This women does have soemone in her life and another child from her new man. She seems happy. It seems like this new man is insecure about about us and tries to top everything we do with my step daughter. The last time she was with us we said we'd like to get a rabbit. A day later what did she call and say she has, yup a rabbit.
I'm not sure if this women is still saying things out of anger about us or if it's all just stuff she's said in the past that's burned into this little girls brain. It's funny that when the last time we were all in the same room together my five yr old hugged the ex goodbye. She later called and told my fiancee that it blew her mind because she thought that I was saying things about her and she thought my kids hated her.
I just wish I could underdstand how this women feels. I would never try to take her place as a mom or anything. I'm just sick of walking on egg shells when it comes to them. I do have to admit sisnce we moved 200 miles away it's been better, because now she can't drive by our house all day. But in a few short months we're moving back and would like to have more contact with the daughter. Will the bitterness ever end? I guess I just needed to vent, thanks for listening.

A great site for stepparents is http://secondwivescafe.com -- you will find a lot of people there who are in similar situations!

Hi there.. I can really understand what you are going through. I married a man with two children 8 and 10. I had two children of my own from my first marriage who were 5 and 7, and we had two more of our own. We had full custody of all of them. His children were dealing with abandonment issues from their mother leaving, my children were dealing with issues caused by moving 200 miles away from where their extended family lived, and I was dealing with a full time job and pregnancy. The other parents had their own issues dealing with their insecurities of multiple parenting, and would go out of their way to interfere in the workings of our family. The only advice I can offer.. hard as it may be... is to let your husband be the one to deal with as many issues as possible regarding his ex-wife. Let him do as many of the drop offs, pick ups, and arranging of schedules as possible. If she finds that you are not going to be the one she is dealing with, she may back off a little. Good Luck!

I would never suggest that you be her friend just kill her with kindness. I have been in that situation from the other side and it is difficult because at first she was horrible to my daughter. Now that she realizes that I am not trying to get my ex back and I have never been anything but nice to her for the most part it has worked out a lot better. We try not to have contact but at times it is inevitable. When that happens I am as nice as can be no matter how difficult it is. It works. P.S. She is 10 years older than me and she realizes that she has been a lot more immature in her dealings with me than she needed to be.

I've been in your shoes ( have two stepdaughters) and also worked with families like yours as a family therapist for years.

I don't think being a friend is a good idea at all. First, I think you need to talk this over with your fiance and ask for his support and backing. (One of the major issues my fiance and I had was that he felt guilty and was always giving in to his daughters, then would get over-angry and take everything out on them.) If you've got his support so that you talk over how you're going to approach an incident and then support each other when you're with the daughter, things will fall into line. If you let her play you off against each other, it won't be any bed of roses.

Second, you're going to get some flak from your stepdaughter, it's part of the package. She's angry and you're an available target. She wants things back the way they were, even though that's not reality. Don't take it personally. When my stepdaughter came to live with us, she swore at me constantly. (She'd been mistreated by her mother and was in sorry shape by the time she got to our house.) Things got so bad, I finally said either we all get into family therapy or I'm leaving. (At that point we weren't married yet.) We started family therapy sessions at the local family center. It was inexpensive, a sliding scale based on what we could pay, which helped a lot. After a few sessions, the therapist starting seeing our daughter and eventually, she came around. Later, we had to have sessions with us and the grandmother because she was interfering. We basically ignored the ex-wife, although she used to call at 3 a.m. sometimes and leave cryptic messages.

If you can't get your fiance to help, suggest a session or two with a family counselor. (Don't go to just anyone. Go to someone who specializes in working with families because they know how to work with family dynmaics.) They can help you get your feelings sorted out, make a plan and stick to it.

All best,

Carolyn

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