BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Advice Appreciated

Hi, Bella.

I know I can't do it myself and I talked to her about meeting me halfway and she doesn't know. To me, that means no, and she is just trying to hang on to me until she is ready to let go. I just sent her an e-mail listing all property in the house, a possession agreement, and a trial seperation agreement, so I'm waiting to hear back from her about it. This was the first move that I had to make that was negative toward the situation and it makes me sick, but I'm just protecting myself.

Why did I feel compelled to kiss her? Why did she let me kiss her? What is all that about?

sorry to hear about your situation your main problem seem to be a lack of communication from both sides.
in relationships we tend to use -you an awful lot when things go wrong.you said this and you did that. which tends to spiral things out of control. if you do decide to give it another try i would suggest you make it a priority to go on a marriage course and learn how to communicate.
you both need to find the original spark that brought you together in the first place.

why dont you arrange to meet on neutral ground and try to find out what is really going on with her just dont accuse her let her open up to you and try to be nice(i know this might be hard)

what are your feelings do you want to save your marriage?

Hey, Alicat.

Thank you for your advice. It is funny you mention communication. I said to my wife, I don't know how to communicate with her any longer because she is not being honest with me about anything and everything I try doesn't work at this point.

I told her yesterday, we met for lunch, that if she wants to work on the relationship we need to start communicating more. I suggested meeting at least once a week for lunch/dinner to just hang out and talk. She is going to mull that over. I believe she is somewhat interested in working on the relationship or is just afraid to make it final.

I have been very nice to her everytime I am with her and it is driving her crazy. She keeps asking me if I'm sad and I say of course I'm sad, but I have moved on with my feelings, dealt with the hurt and I'm taking care of myself.

I would love to have my relationship back with my wife, but we have a long way to go. I believe she is/was having an emotional affair. Everytime I confronted her about it, she would either start screaming at me, walk out of the room, or just leave the house, which is what happened the last time. I received a phone call from a mutual friend who told me, she was seen with this other man on a particular day having lunch. Our friend was concerned and so was I.

I believe the original spark is still there, we made out twice yesterday during our lunch, so I'm not convinced it is over just yet. I feel bad for her at this point because she was complaining about how her family controlled every part of her life and now she is surrounding herself with them and listening to there every word/suggestion. She is just going to repeat the same cycle and never find her true self.

Well, I just got off the phone with my wife and she finally said she is almost done, but she still isn't completely sure. We are going to meet on Saturday to go over finances and stuff and how we are going to handle the situation.

She was [censored] about the inventory list and I said it was just a precaution at this point and I wanted her to understand the gravity of the situation. I think she now understands. I asked her if she still feels we have something and she said yes, I think we do, but right now I just don't know what to do about it.

So, I'm hopeful, but I'm also realistic about the situation. Maybe we can work this out and maybe we can't. Time will tell.

it sounds to me like she is playing with you! she wants you to be miserable without her! its a good thing you are not showing her how you feel!
at the moment your wife doesnt really want to make any commited decision if i were you i would take control of the situation and make the decision for her!
take some time to think through your situation and decide what you want from it put this in writing add what your expectations are for now and the future
have an official trial separation for three/six months put this in writing too and make arrangements to meet you wife and hand it to her over lunch! see what reacion you get
it will do one of two things

she will decide her marriage is worth fighting for and wil cooperate
or
she will decide to walk

either way you still have your dignity

dont be a door mat

you can also tell her after the trial period you will be willing to consider trying again on your terms!


alicat

ps im on my second marriage!

Hi, Ali.

I sent her a trial separation agreement on Wendesday and she has refused to sign it. There are items on the list we need to discuss, like dating, etc.. and we were supposed to meet tomorrow to talk about it, but all of a sudden she bailed. She was not happy getting the agreement and said, I'm so close to just saying we are done, so I said, "Well, are we?" She said, I'm very close. I said, "I'm sorry to hear you feel that way."

I think she was ready to walk before but just didn't do it and now she knows I understand how she has been feeling because she finally told me about two weeks ago. It is really wild. I did start taking control of the situation. I suggested meeting once a week to have lunch or dinner. I informed her the way she is handling it at this point I'm drifting further apart from her, she didn't like that very much, but it is the truth.

I think she is either afraid to give up on the marriage because her emotional affair partner has refused to leave his girlfriend for her or she has realized when we are together and not talking about our relationship it is like we are married and everything is great between us. It is amazing how the repressed feelings we both have from the relationship are tearing us apart, but when we are just being with each other we are two peas in a pod.

i didnt realise you had to sign for a separation i didnt i just gave him the paper work and told him that was it

i would seriously consider what is best for you!
are there any children involved?

if your wife has moved out does she have keys for where you stay? if so change the locks pack her stuff and give her a time to collect it and go ahead with the sepration any way

is where you stay in both your names ? if so maybe you could move out and rent it
that way you are in control!

stop being so nice
this wont help matters

why should you wait around for your wife to decide what she wants to do when your life is just passing you by!

Actually, the being nice (or at least accomodating) will help tremendously should it ever come down to a court case.

Just as long as you don't let your heart get too carried away - I know, easier said than done. <img src="/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

My ex felt like he was in control the entire time, and maybe he was - but I am the much happier person today. My children come back and my daughter has made the comment to me that "You and David don't yell at each other like Daddy and Lori do." - Kids tell you things, so I know what's really going on know matter what kind of front they put on for us when we see them. <img src="/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

My wife moved out of the house and she has keys. We arranged it so she has to call me and let me know when she is coming by and I have just suggested that I be there every time from now on. She didn't like that and implied I thought she was going to clean me out. The house is in both our names and I'm responsible for all the bills starting next month, so it is going to be difficult.

I'm being myself, which is nice, not a door mat, but accomidating to her requests as long as they do not cause me any issues. I'm not waiting for my wife at this point I'm figuring out whether I want to be in the relationship as well.

The time apart has shown me how manipulating she was and how I lost myself. As for signing the seperation agreement, you don't have to do that, but I thought it would be nice.

We don't have any children at this point and I'm legally not allowed the change the locks until all of her belongs are out of the house, which we are negotiating at this point. She is not happy about that either, I believe she is beginning to understand the gravity of the choices she has made and is realizing I'm moving on with or without her.

good for you !! these days its hard to find a decent guy thankfully ive got mine! im sure she will realise one day how foolish she has been to give up a good guy like you!!