BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Advice Appreciated

One thing (or rather 2) I will warn you about, just in case your lawyer hasn't:

1. Don't start going out with other women- it is very tempting when you are hurt and lonely during this time (I know from experience) but you lose the "high ground" in court.
2. If your wife does come back, do not have sex with her unless you are absolutely sure that you 2 are getting back together. Having physical relations with your spouse can be used by her attorney as your having "forgiven her". This was something my lawyer was very careful to warn me about. Plus, from an emotional standpoint, getting back into the physical side of things just draws everything out longer. Don't let her play with you.

She probably has your neighbor watching the house because she wants to come and take stuff out. Make sure you change the locks - all of them.

Thank you for the support!

My lawyer advised against changing the locks until she tells me she is leaving for sure and she can come by and take her stuff out if she would like, I really don't care about that.

As for sex, I already cut it off.

Just hate to see you get cleaned out of everything!

Women especially, are bad about doing that. We can be rather spiteful at times. <img src="/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

There are always two sides of the story...

I'm wondering if you were being trustowrthy as well...

Sometimes the other persons perspective can be so different but just as valuable as ours...

Have you checked yourself as to what behaviour of yours could have given your wife permission to share these problems with family, friends, co workers and finally this particular man, who in my opinion was just looking for an opening.....

Why couldn't she talk to you about the problems in your marriage?

Seems to be some holes in your story.. what are you leaving out?

I'm just curious...

In my long experience, it doesn't always "take two to tango"... there are definitely 'givers' and 'takers' and there are doormats too...of both genders....
The fact that eddie has had the courage to come in on forum and seek predominantly female advice is quite a commendable thing in itself....
That said, I daresay his ex is going through the hoops, guilt and resentment-wise.... and she probably doesn't really like herself very much at the moment. So I do spare a thought for her.... She can't be having a very nice time, even if she is at the crux of it....

I always believed we had an open relationship. We share everything. I am as honest with her about positive and negative items as can be.

Thank you for the comment Alexandra, I felt talking with women would be the best avenue, as you can imagine my male friends are saying she left, good.

Bella, I appreciate your concern, but she came home today and didn't clean me out. That was a relief. I purchased some door jams in order to secure the house when I'm home and leave just in case of a surprise visit.

She called me this morning to see if I was home, but I wasn't it. She said she wanted to drop by and pick up some things, so she is extending her time away from home. I asked her since this is the case to let me know before she comes over everytime. I told her about calling my lawyer and I felt her heart drop through the phone. I felt bad. Here is the stinker, she left her phone in my car and I have it, but I'm out of town, so she asked me to leave it at the house tomorrow, but I most likely won't be home until the following day. So, I asked her to meet with me on Monday so I can give it to her. She has my Cd's as well.

Are fate forces pushing us to meet face to face at this time or is it just coincidence?

As for the other side of the story, I'll give you some of my background. I'm logical with everything I do, my work is logical, my decisions are logical, so I'm sure there have been times when I thought I was giving support, but I really wasn't and there have been times, when I just didn't want to talk anymore about difficult issues, like where to spend the holidays, etc... She shares everything with her family it has been one of our sticking points for years. Everytime something would happen to us in our relationship she would tell them and when we got together I always felt like their eyes were burning a hole through me. I know my inner core is a bit confused right now and I'm trying to figure it out. I'm in decent physical shape, though losing my hair a bit. I read a lot of books on self-help and I love sudoku. My favorite color is red and I have brown eyes. LOL. I feel like I'm filling out one of those online chat room profiles....

Seriously though, I truly love my wife, I show a ton of affection, sometimes too much, I listen to her even when I don't want to, I bring her flowers once a week, I hold the door for her, I open the door for her to get into the car, I take time for her even when I don't have it, I clean around the house, yes, even the bathrooms and I do work around the house, projects, etc....

Again, ladies, thank you so very much for listening and giving your advice, it has been such a tremendous help for through this difficult time. I'm so glad I came to this forum and thank you for letting a male into your realm.

Maybe you guys are being brought together! Have you talked about giving counseling a try?

I would also recommen a book to you (I seem to do this a lot, LOL) It's called "The 5 Love Languages".

It talks about the fact that people tend to feel and express love in five major "languages": physical touch, words of affirmation, giving & receiving gifts, quality time, and acts of service. If spouses have two radically different languages, then even if you feel like you are expressing love to your wife, she may not be getting it.

The example I like to use is this: my husband spends all weekend building me a dining room table (his language is acts of service) but then doesn't understand why I am upset because he didn't spend any time with me (because my love language is quality time). This sounds kind of silly and it is a rather elemnetary example - but you get the idea.

Think about the things your wife has most often done for you in the past (especially on special occasions). You might be able to figure out her love language from that. But the book has much more helpful tips and a lot of communication tips, too.

And counseling really is a good idea. It is not the sign of weakness as some people think, it is just getting to the root of a problem (this is more for your wife than you.)

My prayers are with both of you.

"Fate" may deal the hand, but the play is up to us...
If you feel uncomfortable doing this, there is always the option of leaving the phone at an agreed pick-up point, like a shop you both know well, or the neighbour's... Ask her to leave the CD's too, please....
If you don't want to meet her, there are a number of choices available to you...
If you DO want to meet her, that's still your choice....

Hi, Ladies. Again, I appreciate you taking the time to post.

I picked up a few books this weekend, Relationship Rescue, A purpose driven life and spiritual divorce. I will pick up The 5 Love Languages as recommended.

We have been to a marriage counselor together once and I had to force the issue. It was a real good session and for a week, we talked for hours on end, but it became too draining and she closed up again.

As for meeting, I dropped off her stuff at her works front desk, called her to let her know to pick it up and she sounded disappointed. She said, I have your Cd's, I told her they weren't that important to me. I told her I didn't want her to feel she had to meet up with me in order to get her stuff so that is why I did it. She then suggested meeting up this afternoon in order to give me the Cd's again, I said they aren't that important to me, then we had a nice conversation for about twenty minutes and told each other that we miss each other, so that was nice.

I told her to call me or e-mail me if she would like to talk or have lunch this week, so we will see.

I'm not sure why she couldn't talk to me about it. We have tried to have conversation, but when the conversations became difficult she would either leave the room or the house. Her mother has a hard time with conflict as well and tries to avoid it. I'm sure there were times I didn't listen and I'm sure their have been times my frame was imposing. I'm 6'3" and she is 5'4" and there have been times I'm sure she was afraid to talk to me. It takes a lot to get me angry and at those times I usually take a deep breath so that might have given her an indication I was angry and that might have scared her.

I feel for her as well and we have talked twice on the phone the past two days, which has been really nice. She was upset we didn't meet up yesterday and said she wanted to meet today to give me my cd's. I said, I don't really need them, so let's cut to the chase, you want to just see me right? And she was like yes, so I said, well, instead of spending five minutes together lets have lunch sometime this week and she agreed, so we are having lunch tomorrow and she agreed to go to marriage counseling tomorrow night, so I'm hopeful at this point and protective at the same time.

I'm definitely a giver in this situation, I do a ton of the house work, cooking, fixing items around the house, spend time with her whenever she is available. She works a lot and doesn't have a ton of time. Today, she said, you always have time for me don't you and I said all my time is for you and she said I know that. I think she may feel she is selling me short. What do you ladies think?