GOD PROVES HIMSELF My knowledge of mental illness was very basic to say the least., I had heard of depression, but was not aware of intensity to the depth of despair.
I was catapulted in a very strange and bizarre world. I had just given birth to my son and suddenly life was different, I became paranoid, my house was being bugged. Music and the television spoke to me, I became very interested in emptying my bins on the kitchen floor and trying to figure out what I could recycle.
I went on a walk with my dog on a nearby common, it was dark. I stood on the path looking out over the pond, there was a vision of happiness, there was a brightness a surreal quality to the air. People were walking and laughing, children were giggling.
Directly in front of me across the common, far in the distance I could see the hospital clock tower, I knew within me that I was going there, I didn't know how or when, at that time I knew nothing about psychiatric hospitals.
I began to walk around the common, within me I knew my life had begun to mean something.
I was admitted to the psychiatric hospital an old lady said that I was an angel, I believed her, God had sent me.
I tried to run away, smashing the glass to get a key to for the fire escape. I was in my slippers and dressing gown. I didn�t know where I was going, I just had to get away.
They gave me foul tasting orange liquid, that I refused to take, they asked me to take it for the old lady, who knew I was an angel.
My life spiralled out of control seeming pointless, lurching from one depressive episode to the next.
On one occasion I held a vegetable knife in my hand. The knife was covered in blood. I looked at my left wrist and saw that it was cut and covered in blood too. I looked back at the knife and the blood was gone, so was that on my wrist.
I was terrified and became afraid to be by myself.
I telephoned a friend who was a Christian and explained and said I wanted to go to church with her. I suddenly felt as if I needed God's help, I could no longer resist my suicidal urges.
I was a nobody, less than worthless.
I had turned my back on God as a teenager. He was to blame for me being molested by my step-father. I was in conflict, my mind recoiled at the realisation that I needed God's help. I hated Him with a vengeance, but I was scared witless that I would harm myself.
I decided to give God a go, but He had to prove to me that I could trust Him.
Some will say here, who does she think she is? Or how arrogant, it is more complex than that.
I was frightened, frightened of myself, potentially of killing myself. I was frightened to trust myself, I had lost my mind. I was frightened of everyone around me, they wanted to put me in hospital. I was completely frightened of God and what He could do to me.
I read the Bible, people said that what was in the Bible was meant for me too. I didn't believe them, it was for everyone but me.
God showed me carefully and slowly how much He loved me, I learnt to listen to the voice in my head, guiding and reassuring me, without becoming overly anxious.
Life gradually became easier. I wanted others to know.
The more I tried to tell others the harder it became, persuading those around me, I wasn't just simply ill.
I once said I wanted to shout about my life from the rooftops and tell others the truth. I never knew one day my words would be taken literally. I believe they have been, by God.
I wrote about the horrors of my childhood, of the nightmare world of mental illness. Images that I had kept hidden for many years scrawled across the paper. I felt I was purging myself and beginning the long process of inner healing.
I believed that God had given me this gift in order for me to grow emotionally and spiritually. I also truly believed that my words would be used by God to help someone in a similar position to me.
My words became poems, the poems a book, my work was published. I was shouting from the rooftops, no longer hiding my past but revealing, exploring and moving on.
I still didn�t have the faith to realise the extent to where God had brought me to.
I have become more than worthless, a nobody, a victim of society, I have become a child of God.
He has truly helped me to walk away from all that held me back, and people are talking about how my words connect with them. I do believe that my words reach out to others and for that I am delighted.
God encouraged me to overcome my many fears, but, not only that to write about them. My words have taken the power from fear.
I once believed I was more worthless than others to receive the love of God, I didn't deserve it, I thought I was speaking the truth. God said to me, �What makes you so special that you don't need my love?�
Yes my words reach out, as they do to me, but ultimately those words are God's.
Long ago I believed my life had purpose, I wanted to share my story with the world. God has given me a gift, to weave my tale in a way that truly connects and threads together all our journeys to become a colourful tapestry of life.
In my darkest days I never pictured myself today, shouting to all who will hear from the rooftops.
A Poetic Testam [color:"purple"] [/color] [color:"purple"] [/color] Of Life- Inspired By Jesus
