BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage I was unfaithful, I need advice

Hello,

I have a history of acting out sexually, I don't even enjoy sex! Blame it on the pornography addiction I've had since I was 5 or on my dad sexually abusing me as a child I don't care! I just want it to stop. My husband and I have had relationship problems from the get-go. He is bipolar and I have dependancy issues. He would get really mean and the ruder he was to me the clingier I got. I love him, he loves me, but I wonder if we will ever really get along. We were at the end of our rope trying to make things work and decided to seperate and see what happens. I just turned 21. In my culture we seem to marry young, too young! I got married when I was 19. I didn't even know who I was! We both know that we should not have gotten married but we take our vows very seriously. Anyways, I turned 21 while I was seperated from my husband and living 2 states away. I got really depressed and started drinking heavily. I told my husband that I took off my ring sometimes and that I was scared and depressed often times feeling suicidal. He told me if I wanted to I could move back in but he really felt this is what we needed. I didn't want to stress him out so I went along with it, but I new in my gut I was going to stray, and I did. Dave was cute, sweet, smart and funny. I met him at a restaraunt I frequented. I started feeling really attatched to him. I tried not to but I found myself going there more and more to see him. One night I was feeling really depressed I got his number and called him. We went dancing, I got drunk, I passed out. When I woke up I was in his bed fully clothed under the covers. He was asleep on the other side of the bed outside of the covers I got up, brushed my teeth and was going to go but I felt like I owed him something for his kindness and I wanted to be close to someone. Anyways, it happened and then it happened one more time a week later. I felt real bad and moved back home. I told my husband he is very distraught. How can I fix this? Why did it happen? Any ideas? I love my husband, really I do and I never meant for this to happen.

I think counseling would be a good idea for both of you. You two are going to have to take life one day at a time. It will take some time for you both to heal and trust.

I agree with Connie, you both need counseling - not only as a couple, but also as individuals. There is no way to work out your problems together until you can understand and get a handle on your problems that you have seperately. Not to say that you have to wait to get back together; you CAN do both types of counseling at the same time - but you must both be very committed to the relationship and to wanting help, because this is going to be a long road to travel.

It is going to take a while for your husband to trust you again, even though your straying was while "separated". It will help matters that you did not have an affair while actively together - everyone understands loneliness - but the fact that he is a little bit to blame for your infidelity will only worsen his anger. Notice I only lay a small portion at his feet, it was still your choice. I'm not saying this to make you feel bad, but the first step in healing is owning what mistakes you have made. I've been there - I'm on my second marriage - and in my first both my husband and I had affairs, and though I can blame mine on revenge or whatever - I still have to accept the fact that it was ultimately my decision, and that I put my needs above that of my marriage and my family.

It took many years after the divorce - and re-marriage to my current husband before I fully realized how much blame I had been lying at my ex's feet, and how little I was accepting for myself. It was actually a huge relief when I said "It was both of us" - and I called my ex husband and apologized for the things I had done to set our divorce in motion, and said I wished I could take them back.

I wouldn't trade my (now) husband and the son I share with him in for anything- but part of me wishes I had done things "right" so that i could have raised my first 2 children up in an un-broken family.

Accept your mistakes- but don't linger or beat yourslef up, offer apologies and ask your husband to go to counseling with you to see how the two of you can set things right again. Feel free to share my story as an exampl if you wish.

Good luck! <img src="/images/graemlins/heart.gif" alt="" />

Back in the day...

I got myself into situations I often ended up regretting. I don't know your entire situation, but I can reasonably pin mine to a mother that always sought male approval and my own rejection of the person my dad really was (I had idolized him, and afer he died I found out such horrible things about him that I have difficulty claiming him).

At any rate, I messed around on those that I had proclaimed my love to, and always hated myself for the weakness. It wasn't until years later that I realized that establishing my own identitly (as well as not settling for anyone that did not accept me for who I am)led to finding someone that I could respect enough to never cheat on. Oddly, it is kinda reminescent of the poem "If you love something set it free..." in that by just accepting me for who I am (and vise-versa) resulted in a respect that superceededs infedility.

Good Luck To You!!

It sounds like you have alot of issues and I agree with the others that coucelling will help.I am so sorry to hear about what you have been through...You do know that all your present behaviour id tied up with the abuse you suffered as a child dont you?
Good luck with it all and I am sending lots of positive vibes your way.I wish you well.