BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Is it really that great?

If all of the baby boomers' parents hadn't had so many kids...we wouldn't have such a large population of aging people for those of us who are younger to support.

And if people didn't have so many kids, there wouldn't be so much unemployment because there would be enough jobs to go around and perhaps less public assistance would be required.

We won't talk about the impact to the environment--people who see there isn't enough space in the world but rather than taking the logical stance of "hm, maybe that means we should have less kids," they hack down another forest to build yet another subdivision.

As a social worker, I too must disagree with Magic tongue that having children is a public service. I have worked with some children that made me want to head to the nearest dr. willing to perform a tugal ligation.
Not all children will grow to be an asset to society (Ted Bundy, Jeffery Dahmer, Adolf Hitler, etc). I know those examples are extreme, but lets not forget, someone is having the next serial killer, rapist, etc. This too, is an aspect of having children that no one wants to admit. Not every child (or adult child) will make their parent proud and validate that parent's decision to have children.
The decision to have or not to have children is a choice that we all have to make. I think we are all asking that our decision to have children or remain childfree be respected. I certainly have not found it that my decision to remain CF is respected.
And, remember the idea of parenthood is subjective. I would advise against having children based off of someone elses decision. Your experience is unlikely to be identical to that persons.
.....getting back to the question "is it that great"....I just listen to the person, respect her input (my male friends don't usually challenge my CF decision), but let it go in one ear and out of the other. The decision to be CF is yours to make. I have often felt that the non-CF have tried to sell the idea of children to me like an used car salesman.

Along the same lines, SO MANY people I know that have kids say that they look forward to the fact that because of all the hard work they will endure to raise the kids, that at least it will be returned to them when they themselves get older and their children will be there to take care of them. In that respect, it's almost as if they're having children just so that someone will be there to care for them when they're old. But last I checked, most elderly are cared more for by their own friends and medical personnel, much moreso than any child they gave birth to and raised. It's ironic that they don't realize that by having a child, you are giving birth to a real live person that will make their own decisions. And if they don't want to have anything to do with you, regardless of whether you're their parent or not, they won't. (shaking head)

Stacy 84-I agree that there is no logic to the "CF's are selfish" tyrade that I am sure most of us cf's have all encountered. But, honestly, what it is about the CF choice that is so selfish? I mean, I am really trying to imagine what it is about the cf lifestyle that is so selfish and self-serving to the point of offending people.
GigiNYC-I agree it is amazing how quickly the "you need to have children" rant turns into the "be glad you don't have any children" lament. And, if you really listen to some parents, they may imply or say right out that if they could do it over again, they themselves would not have children. Especially, if they have children that are unruly.
Tresanne-I have heard the "well, who is going to take care of you when you get old" thing too....and, I hope I can take of myself. It is not my desire to be so fragile that I cannot care for myself in my old age. And, for the record, my mom is a nurse in a nursing home, and very few of the residents ever receive visits from their children on a regular basis. And, by regular, I mean at least once a week. A once a week visit does not justify the many years of sacrifice and worry of childbearing and rearing to me.....but that is just me. <img src="/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

But just think DST! We actually have money! That we can spend! (or at least, that's the case for most, except those of us who are poor, alas <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> ) At any rate, we all have money that does not need to be spent on clothes that will be outgrown in a month, toys, kiddie doctor visits, soccer lessons, the latest designer jeans that "all the other kids are wearing," kiddie-friendly vacations, braces, college tuitions, daycare fees, etc. (or at least if we spend money on those things, they're OUR toys and braces and doctor visits and designer jeans and college tuitions).

We can go out whenever we want, wherever we want, without having to worry about whether where we're going is kid-friendly or whether we can get a babysitter. Urge to go to Meijer's at 3 a.m. a la your college student days? Get in the car and go.

We can have raucous, kinky sex all over the house without worrying about waking up a kid or having them see us.

We've probably at least sort of got our figures--and if we do gain weight, it's because of us, not because we're with pod.

We don't have to "set a good example" for anybody, and if we want to walk around the house naked and [censored]-drunk, swearing like sailors, we can do it.

Our friends don't have to child-proof their homes when we come over, and they don't have to dread our presence lest we be loud, spill something on their carpet, or wreck something (okay, maybe they do, but...). And when we come over, they can organize a game of strip poker, not Go Fish, and if they suddenly get the urge to do something, they can call us and we're probably free, so they don't have to worry about "actually, can we make it next week so I can get a sitter?" plus they know that our conversation will be about something other than Bayeleigh's second tooth.

We can go on vacations that include art museums, strip clubs, and big scary roller coasters rather than cartoon characters and the teacup ride.

We can go to nice restaurants instead of McDonald's.

We can have intelligent conversations, rather than those about poo-poo and Thomas the Tank Engine.

The only person who will likely ever puke or [censored] on us is ourselves. Any mess in our homes is our own.

In other words, compared to many parents, we live lives of luxury and can do whatever we want, and they just can't stand it.

(they forget, however, that we have more time to volunteer and do other good deeds...)

Thank you Katja for all of the wonderful reminders! I kind of figured it was a projection thing going on, but I just wanted to make sure.
And, if enjoying the freedom to do whatever I want and buy whatever I want is selfish, then crown me "Queen Selfish" and show me to my throne for all to worship me and bask in my selfishness. <img src="/images/graemlins/queen.gif" alt="" />
Okay, I went a little too far there....
Oh...by the way...the childcare fees can be a b&^%$!. Several of the women I work with have opted for flex schedules and/or 2nd or 3rd shift because the costs of daycare were outweighing their paychecks. I lie to you not. One of my co-workers sat and cried when she got her first paycheck when she worked first shift. All she could get out was that she could not afford to pay child care AND her other house hold expenses like buying groceries. She had two infant twins and a 3 y/o old at the time and the costs were like $1000.00 a pay period for all three of them (from her report and $1000.00 is a lot of $$ in NC) to be in day care first shift and trust me, we are clinical social workers for a county agency and she aint making much more than that every two weeks/pay period. She was going to have to either quit or start working another shift. Thank the lord our employer is flexible. Her story is a common one at my job though.....(shaking my head). The other women that work the other shifts have told similar stories...all I could think was "....and people are trying to convince me to have kids because??........" And, let me not forget to add that these are women with working husbands and from what they say, they are struggling trying to juggle expenses......
But, as a "selfish" CF person....I get to juggle...do I get the coach bag or the dooney and burke.......hmmmm.......what should I do...... <img src="/images/graemlins/kiss.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/images/graemlins/lovers.gif" alt="" /> (This is me embracing my newfound selfishness)

Everyone says child care is so expensive, but child care providers usually don't get even $3 an hour...granted, that's per child, but still--that's less than minimum wage to do the job of watching this child...plus if you have to feed this kid, pick it up from school, pay for any damage it does to your house, etc...that's not much.

Parents complain about the cost, but I think they're doing pretty damn well. They [censored] and moan, but they pay some high schooler more to make their hamburger than they pay someone to care for their child and keep them healthy, happy, and alive. Sounds like a good deal to me.

Unfortunately, money is always diverted from those that deserve it the most (teachers, social workers, child care workers, police officers).
But, I would imagine that very few parents actually view things related to raising children the way that some of us CF do. I certainly hope that no parent out there views children and things related to raising children the way I do. That would be tragic. <img src="/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

I think you would very quickly change your mind about thinking having children was some sort of service to society, if you spent an hour in our local Wal-Mart!

as a single parent i think having a child can be a blessing and a curse. parenthood has its highs and lows, though it is not for everyone. i for one dont condemn people for not having children, it is all a preference of choice, if someone is in a stable relationship, or married and they want children and are ready to devote their life and happiness to bringing up their offspring then it can be great for them, some people just want children more than others, but i do admire the CF, and even though every thing you said can be true for a standpoint. especially if one is raising a child alone. but parenthood can actually be enjoyable for some, but i dont think its all that great, some people say oh if you were married or had someone helping you'd think differently, but my viewpoint will not change, i love my son but i will not be having anymore children.