BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting My step dghtr makes feel lke a strngr. any insite

hello all..i really could use some advise from stepparents. my step daughter who lives with me and my husband, has recently made feel like a total stranger to her..we use to be very close and share alot. now we hardly speak other than her wanting to know who called or whats for dinner..she is 16 years old and lives with us full time. her mother is currently active in her life..she use to see her daughter once a month..but now seems to have more time with her and has been seeing her every weekend..this has recently been happening for the last month. everytime she comes back from her mothers..my stepdaughter seems to just ignore much less acknowledge me and my husband..I am so hurt by this..I now feel the only time she starts a conversation is when she wants a pair of jeans or top..other than that we really dont talk about anything anymore..i just recently found out that her mother has told her that if she has any doctors appts or anything to that nature, that she will take her..I use to take my stepdaughter to all her appts..because her mom was always working..well my step daughter has a doctors appt next month..and her mother cannot take her..so she went and asked her friend to take her instead of asking me..i am so hurt..i am assuming that her mother is trying to break up our relationship..and it hurts me so much..I feel i have done so much for her, and her mom is trying to break that bond..I know i could never replace her mother..but my step daughter and i use to be very close..and now i feel her mother has broken that bond...I just cry and feel very angry..apart of me feels used..its like i want to tell my stepdaughter since your mother is picking you up more often..you can now ask her for jeans and clothes..instead of me..her mom buys her clothes but not expensive ones..i always buy her things from american eagle..her mom gets her things at garage sales..and very inexpensive places like Ross, Marshals etc..I dont know what to do..all i know is that i am very very hurt..and i dont want to say anything to my step daughter because she will run and tell her mother how i am feeling...do you have any insite on how to handle this situation..I really could use some words of wisdom..thanks happygirl62

Your step-daughter is going through a very tough time herself right now. 16 is not an easy age for a girl who isn't having "parental issues" (of course I think all teens have parental issues don't they?)

If your daughter's birth mom had not spent much time with her in the past, but is now - then your daughter is probably scared to death of chasing her off. There is always a deep down fear in children of divorce that the parent left because of them, especially if that parent is not around much. Your duaghter is probably trying to show her loyalty to her mother by snubbing you. (Remember, this is how things go in high school).

Once she becomes a little more comfortable with things she should come back around. Or you could just sit down with her one day and tell her you miss her. Let her know that you understand how important it is for her to spend time with her mom, but that you miss the time you two had togethre and you'd like to do something special. Then set up a "girl's night out" and do something fun.

You've been there for her in the past, just let her know you'll be there in the future. And remember she's a teenager - they rarely make sense! <img src="/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Hi Happygirl!

I'm not a stepmom but your post raises a few thoughts in my mind. Being that she's 16, maybe she feels she has to choose between you or her to treat as a "Mom". There's also the possibility that she thinks you're hurt by the amount of time she's not spending with you and spending more with her Mom. So, she's backed off a bit to spare you any hurtful feelings without realizing that it hurts you more.

IF she's in limbo between 2 Moms, and I do mean IF just in case I have it wrong. I have those moments where I am dead wrong, and I admit it. :-) Why not try a different approach? How about reverse psychology? Or a more positive spin on it, as I always say. Instead of feeling hurt, feel glad that she's reclaiming some lost time with a woman who needs her as much as your stepdaughter needs her. Tell her that you're glad things are going well for them and encourage her to do more if she can. This way, your stepdaughter realizes that there's no competition over her. Just 2 women who love her very much and want the best for her and be a team of sorts. You don't have to like her mother, but since your stepdaughter needs both of you for different reasons, support and encouragment is always helpful.

Just my 2 cents! :-)


Mary

I am a step-mom to a now 20 yr old girl. I married her dad when she was 8. Her mother wasn't in the picture much at all (maybe once a year), but started to contact my daughter when she was about 13. We are very close and we too went through a period of not being so close. Part of it is probably that she is becoming a teenager. My 15 yr old biological son is going through that right now. You just need to let her know that you love her and will be there anytime should she need to just talk or whatever. You just need to remember that the biological mother will always be her mother...she didn't get to pick who her mother was. This woman will always be a part of her life (active or not). My daugter always felt like it was her fault that her mother didn't come around...like there was something wrong with her. She still feels like it sometimes and I always assure her that it is her mother that is missing out not her. Her mother may be making her feel guilty about her relationships with you and her father. The mother should be happy that your daughter's father found such a caring woman to help raise her daughter. It is hard not to feel hurt...just don't make your daughter have to pick between you and the mother. I had told my husband that one day our daughter would realize that her mom could've came around (she blamed my daughter's dad for her not being able to come and visit which was so not the case) and she has realized things now that she is older. I have always been "mom" to her and now she calls her biological mom by her real name. She hasn't even tried to contact my daughter in over 3 years.

Anyway, just keep your chin up and keep loving your daughter no matter what. Don't start a tug of war with her biological mom. Just tell her that you are glad her mother is taking part in her life. Maybe ask her what they did. Be glad for her that her mom is interested instead of not caring about her at all.