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If anyone here nows what I can do to help with my choice to give up boys please I need it. It has been about 5 years since I last seen them, and while I did what was best for them I can't get rid of this feeling of hurt and emptiness within. They were 1 1/2 and 3 mos, things were real bad in my life and had no one to help me, so I did the only thing I could do. I tried to put them in foster care til got better but was told I could not do that unless htey were in harms way. I talked with my ex mother in law, and she had some friends that had been waiting for children and we talk and so my boys went with these two couples and are being raised together just not as brothers. I used to get pictures of them but that stopped a few years back. Now I hurt more cause the pictures helped me it made me feel as though I was part of their lives even if I really wasn't. They are going to 7 and 5 this year and I only hope that when they turn 18 they will want to meet me, and I hope that they don't feel that I didn't want them cause to this day I wish they here and I only did this cause I loved them enough to make sure they had everything I could not give. So please anyone here if you can help I could use it more now then ever.

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I am sorry sorry for your lost of you boys only you know what was right at the time. Maybe you could keep a journal for them & when they turn 18 you will be able to give it to them. In your journal start with before they were born & then when they were born & why you had to give them up for adoption and try to fill in the time till now. Also please if you are not doing it now please talk to God & keep the faith . I know how you must feel but prayers & God will help you I wish I could give you a hug. My prayers will be with you .. God Bless, Shrabar [color:"green"] [/color]

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A true mother does what is best for her kids and that sounds like what you did. I am truly sorry for your pain. Seek out a support group and council when you feel you are ready. So many children do now seek their birth mothers when they are 18; I pray your sons seek you out. Write them letters and do a journal as mentioned in the above article. I hope your life's journey brings you peace.


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Tina Sansone
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Thank you so very much, I have tried so many times to write everything down but everytime I do all I do is cry, I thought with time this would get better and I would beable to do it, I do pray and for the most part it all helps. I don't talk much about this and I do think that is why it is so hard for me, I knew it would be but I never thought it to be this hard. Again thank you.

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Two things, both from a dear, dear friend of mine....

One, she is an adoptive mother and is the first person to sing the praises of anyone that gives a child up. Without a mother that brave and selfless, she would never have had the joy of raising her son. I am certain that most parents feel that way.

Second, about the journaling... she is a THREE time breast cancer survivor, so you can imagine her pain. She journals constantly... and in the beginning it was horribly painful... but she pushed past it and the writing got easier and her pain lessened. Write for YOURSELF... and if the opportunity arises for you to share it with one or both of your boys, that's great... but do it for you. Don't worry about form or subject just write about whatever your heart says.

Can you talk to a counselor/therapist? If you are affiliated with a church, many have counselors they work with or do counseling themselves. I think if you keep it bottled up, it'll never get any better. And you deserve some peace... it sounds like you made the right decision.


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Also, you might consider volunteering to work with a children's shelter or similar place. It might help to give you a sense of peace or completeness to be able to help someone else's child the way someone was able to help your children.


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Hi Miss!

I speak from the other side of the coin, being adopted. First, I've had my troubles growing up because I was young, naive, and stubborn which created a rift with my adoptive parents. But, my adoptive parents have been truly wonderful parents in giving me the love, advice, and teaching me the right way to do things. I used to think that when I turned 18 I was going to find my "real" mother as I used to call her, and live with her when things got too tough for me to handle (my stubborness here, lol). Growing up I used to think my biological mother didn't love me enough to keep me.

When I turned 23, I met my biological mother for the first time. It was a pleasant experience and a lot of pieces of the puzzle fell into place, the questions I always had, she answered for me. I even asked her why she gave me up, I don't know what I expected her to say except maybe that she was too young to raise a child. She told me that she had another daughter older than me, she was separated, my biological father died in a car accident, and she was alone in raising 2 little girls by herself. She said she honestly just couldn't do it but loved me more than words can ever express. I probably should have thought what a poor excuse to give a child up. But as I listened to her stories of what she did to keep me alive in her memory and her heart, it moved me to tears. At that moment I realized that I deeply respected her decision because I really did have a good life and that she did something so selflessly to ensure that I had the life she thought I deserved with a good family.

Now, I am a mother myself with 3 children and a husband who is also adopted. I couldn't even imagine having to give up any of my children and it's made me realize the courage and selfless love it takes to make that kind of decision.

So Miss, I commend you for doing what's best for your boys and I'm sure they will grow up strong and hope they do seek you out. The journal would be an excellent idea for 2 reasons, one, to give to your boys someday, two, it'll help you work through the grief you feel and after awhile you will notice that you will be stronger and it will show in your writing. Good therapy for yourself, that's the words I was looking for.

It's ok to cry everyday because that's the process you must go through to "cleanse" yourself in order to grow stronger. But make it a point to do something, even if it's small, that makes you happy. And don't feel guilty for being happy either, you have to go on and live life even if at a slower pace until you feel strong again.

Just know from an adopted person's view, you are not hated, you are not a bad mother, you made the right decision. Obviously I can't speak for your boys, but, if I could, as an older version of your boys, I would say you are loved and appreciated for doing what's right for us to give us a better life and never to think of yourself in a negative way.

(((((missmyboys)))) a big hug for you. :-)


Mary


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Thank you all so much, I have started to write and it is helping me, I just don't know how much to write and if I should tell them why I gave them up. See the younger one his dad would beat me and even tried to kill me when he was 3 mos. old and then I knew I had to get them out of there before it was to late. I didn't have any place to go, and I knew that sooner or later the hitting would turn to them or worse they would grow up to like him, I didn't want that and wasn't going to let happen, I tried to get them placed in foster care til I could get a job and a place but the state said I could not do it cause they were not in harms way and were being taken care of. Also I was going to keep the younger one cause his dad said he would not sign the papers but then that night happen and the next day I made the call to go ahead with it. That week was the last I saw of him, and the hearings I went all brusied and then everyone even the judge could see why I was doing it. But I don't want to tell my kids that I really don't want to speak ill of their fathers but I really don't know what to say but that the older one his dad didn't want him and the younger one his dad was more into drugs and drinking and beating on me to even know he was there. Any one have any ideas please let me know, I am stuck with my writting cause of this.

Also I my mother had given up her oldest for adoption til I was 10 yrs. old I never knew of her. Then she came to our house and she took me and my sisters to her parents house. It was great to find out that I had an older sister, but she did hate my mom even to this day. My mom was not a good mother and she knows that, but she wants to know who her father is and mom won't tell her, we were going to get DNA test done so we can see if her father is the same as mine, but that has not happened and now I don't here from her anymore and she changed her number. I have seen adoption now from both sides and with my sister and how much I see she hates my mom, I only hope that my won't be the same and anything they want to know I will tell them.

Carrie


Thank you all so much for here even though I don't know you it helps for me to have someplace to get this all out.

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You're very welcome and we're glad to be able to help you in way that we can. :-)

As for the writing, what you've written here is a good start, just write your feelings whenever you need to. On days that it starts to consume you, take that time to write. You'll find that once you get it out on paper, it doesn't seem to stay on your mind as much because in the back of your mind you know you have it somewhere else permanently. It also gives you some "brain space" as I like to call it, to focus on something else. Don't ruish the writing, it's supposed to be an outlet for you, not homework.

You don't have to write down your ill feelings about their fathers, but you could just tell what happened, that you were afraid for the boys and their welfare. If the boys are going to resent their fathers, that will be their decision, not yours. You could always just tell him that his father just wasn't up to the responsibility of having a child and be father. Let him be the one to figure out what that means to him. And then respect his feelings on it.

I do know from articles I've seen that girls handle adoption differently than boys. Articles have shown that more girls are likely to seek out their birthmothers than boys. That's not to say none of the boys do, just not as many as the girls. Your sister resents her mother because she's thinking a mother is supposed to be supportive, a role model, and very loving, so why would her mother do that to her? It also depends on what age she was adopted out and what she remembers of it.

Just a side note. I'm not claiming to be a social worker or psychologist or anything. I just wanted to offer suggestions of coping. I can't say that I "know" what you're going through, I can only empathize with you and hope you get through this the best way for you. :-) I do agree what fmailyhistoryma said earlier, maybe counseling would help you too since they're not directly involved and can deal with the deeper issues you have. It certainly can't hurt to give that a try. :-)

(((miss)))


Mary


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Hi from Jody an adoptee who never was able to meet my birth mom in this lifetime. I was born and adopted in 1955 a long time ago and they did not encourage birth mothers to write a letter or note to the adoptee.All adoptions were very closed and secretive. When in my 40's I searched and found my birth family, only my birth parents had passed away years before I found. I was welcomed by 3 older birth sisters. I was thrilled to meet them and they shared photos of my birth parents with me.I look like my birth mother. I do find it sad that I do not even have a letter from her and know that most agencies will allow you to leave letters in the adoption file for the adoptee. I do not know why your photos of your sons stopped coming- was this agreed upon or did the adoptive parents stop for any reason. Could you speak with anyone and let them know how helpful that was for you to just see photos of them. If you do not have any answer to that it surely is worth a try.
I lead adoption support groups in my area- Chicagoland western suburbs of Illinois and a Yahoo Club called Adoptees Christian Fellowship. I also edit Adoption Blessings Journal a 20 page free outreach publication sent by US mail. The publication shares stories, poems, articles, book reviews by adoptees, birth parents and adoptive parents. I also agree that writing about your journey can be very therapeutic. Also for me, my Christian faith has been such a strength in my lifelong adoption journey! God has been my constant and a everpresent 24 hour counselor!
Blessings to you and may you meet your sons someday and may they come to know what a loving and special person you are!
Jody Moreen, adoptee, Editor
Adoption Blessings Journal
www.adoptionblessingsnewsletter.com


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