BellaOnline Forums Family Adoption Need help dealing with giving my boys up

If anyone here nows what I can do to help with my choice to give up boys please I need it. It has been about 5 years since I last seen them, and while I did what was best for them I can't get rid of this feeling of hurt and emptiness within. They were 1 1/2 and 3 mos, things were real bad in my life and had no one to help me, so I did the only thing I could do. I tried to put them in foster care til got better but was told I could not do that unless htey were in harms way. I talked with my ex mother in law, and she had some friends that had been waiting for children and we talk and so my boys went with these two couples and are being raised together just not as brothers. I used to get pictures of them but that stopped a few years back. Now I hurt more cause the pictures helped me it made me feel as though I was part of their lives even if I really wasn't. They are going to 7 and 5 this year and I only hope that when they turn 18 they will want to meet me, and I hope that they don't feel that I didn't want them cause to this day I wish they here and I only did this cause I loved them enough to make sure they had everything I could not give. So please anyone here if you can help I could use it more now then ever.

I am sorry sorry for your lost of you boys only you know what was right at the time. Maybe you could keep a journal for them & when they turn 18 you will be able to give it to them. In your journal start with before they were born & then when they were born & why you had to give them up for adoption and try to fill in the time till now. Also please if you are not doing it now please talk to God & keep the faith . I know how you must feel but prayers & God will help you I wish I could give you a hug. My prayers will be with you .. God Bless, Shrabar [color:"green"] [/color]

A true mother does what is best for her kids and that sounds like what you did. I am truly sorry for your pain. Seek out a support group and council when you feel you are ready. So many children do now seek their birth mothers when they are 18; I pray your sons seek you out. Write them letters and do a journal as mentioned in the above article. I hope your life's journey brings you peace.

Thank you so very much, I have tried so many times to write everything down but everytime I do all I do is cry, I thought with time this would get better and I would beable to do it, I do pray and for the most part it all helps. I don't talk much about this and I do think that is why it is so hard for me, I knew it would be but I never thought it to be this hard. Again thank you.

Two things, both from a dear, dear friend of mine....

One, she is an adoptive mother and is the first person to sing the praises of anyone that gives a child up. Without a mother that brave and selfless, she would never have had the joy of raising her son. I am certain that most parents feel that way.

Second, about the journaling... she is a THREE time breast cancer survivor, so you can imagine her pain. She journals constantly... and in the beginning it was horribly painful... but she pushed past it and the writing got easier and her pain lessened. Write for YOURSELF... and if the opportunity arises for you to share it with one or both of your boys, that's great... but do it for you. Don't worry about form or subject just write about whatever your heart says.

Can you talk to a counselor/therapist? If you are affiliated with a church, many have counselors they work with or do counseling themselves. I think if you keep it bottled up, it'll never get any better. And you deserve some peace... it sounds like you made the right decision.

Also, you might consider volunteering to work with a children's shelter or similar place. It might help to give you a sense of peace or completeness to be able to help someone else's child the way someone was able to help your children.

Hi Miss!

I speak from the other side of the coin, being adopted. First, I've had my troubles growing up because I was young, naive, and stubborn which created a rift with my adoptive parents. But, my adoptive parents have been truly wonderful parents in giving me the love, advice, and teaching me the right way to do things. I used to think that when I turned 18 I was going to find my "real" mother as I used to call her, and live with her when things got too tough for me to handle (my stubborness here, lol). Growing up I used to think my biological mother didn't love me enough to keep me.

When I turned 23, I met my biological mother for the first time. It was a pleasant experience and a lot of pieces of the puzzle fell into place, the questions I always had, she answered for me. I even asked her why she gave me up, I don't know what I expected her to say except maybe that she was too young to raise a child. She told me that she had another daughter older than me, she was separated, my biological father died in a car accident, and she was alone in raising 2 little girls by herself. She said she honestly just couldn't do it but loved me more than words can ever express. I probably should have thought what a poor excuse to give a child up. But as I listened to her stories of what she did to keep me alive in her memory and her heart, it moved me to tears. At that moment I realized that I deeply respected her decision because I really did have a good life and that she did something so selflessly to ensure that I had the life she thought I deserved with a good family.

Now, I am a mother myself with 3 children and a husband who is also adopted. I couldn't even imagine having to give up any of my children and it's made me realize the courage and selfless love it takes to make that kind of decision.

So Miss, I commend you for doing what's best for your boys and I'm sure they will grow up strong and hope they do seek you out. The journal would be an excellent idea for 2 reasons, one, to give to your boys someday, two, it'll help you work through the grief you feel and after awhile you will notice that you will be stronger and it will show in your writing. Good therapy for yourself, that's the words I was looking for.

It's ok to cry everyday because that's the process you must go through to "cleanse" yourself in order to grow stronger. But make it a point to do something, even if it's small, that makes you happy. And don't feel guilty for being happy either, you have to go on and live life even if at a slower pace until you feel strong again.

Just know from an adopted person's view, you are not hated, you are not a bad mother, you made the right decision. Obviously I can't speak for your boys, but, if I could, as an older version of your boys, I would say you are loved and appreciated for doing what's right for us to give us a better life and never to think of yourself in a negative way.

(((((missmyboys)))) a big hug for you. :-)


Mary

Thank you all so much, I have started to write and it is helping me, I just don't know how much to write and if I should tell them why I gave them up. See the younger one his dad would beat me and even tried to kill me when he was 3 mos. old and then I knew I had to get them out of there before it was to late. I didn't have any place to go, and I knew that sooner or later the hitting would turn to them or worse they would grow up to like him, I didn't want that and wasn't going to let happen, I tried to get them placed in foster care til I could get a job and a place but the state said I could not do it cause they were not in harms way and were being taken care of. Also I was going to keep the younger one cause his dad said he would not sign the papers but then that night happen and the next day I made the call to go ahead with it. That week was the last I saw of him, and the hearings I went all brusied and then everyone even the judge could see why I was doing it. But I don't want to tell my kids that I really don't want to speak ill of their fathers but I really don't know what to say but that the older one his dad didn't want him and the younger one his dad was more into drugs and drinking and beating on me to even know he was there. Any one have any ideas please let me know, I am stuck with my writting cause of this.

Also I my mother had given up her oldest for adoption til I was 10 yrs. old I never knew of her. Then she came to our house and she took me and my sisters to her parents house. It was great to find out that I had an older sister, but she did hate my mom even to this day. My mom was not a good mother and she knows that, but she wants to know who her father is and mom won't tell her, we were going to get DNA test done so we can see if her father is the same as mine, but that has not happened and now I don't here from her anymore and she changed her number. I have seen adoption now from both sides and with my sister and how much I see she hates my mom, I only hope that my won't be the same and anything they want to know I will tell them.

Carrie


Thank you all so much for here even though I don't know you it helps for me to have someplace to get this all out.

You're very welcome and we're glad to be able to help you in way that we can. :-)

As for the writing, what you've written here is a good start, just write your feelings whenever you need to. On days that it starts to consume you, take that time to write. You'll find that once you get it out on paper, it doesn't seem to stay on your mind as much because in the back of your mind you know you have it somewhere else permanently. It also gives you some "brain space" as I like to call it, to focus on something else. Don't ruish the writing, it's supposed to be an outlet for you, not homework.

You don't have to write down your ill feelings about their fathers, but you could just tell what happened, that you were afraid for the boys and their welfare. If the boys are going to resent their fathers, that will be their decision, not yours. You could always just tell him that his father just wasn't up to the responsibility of having a child and be father. Let him be the one to figure out what that means to him. And then respect his feelings on it.

I do know from articles I've seen that girls handle adoption differently than boys. Articles have shown that more girls are likely to seek out their birthmothers than boys. That's not to say none of the boys do, just not as many as the girls. Your sister resents her mother because she's thinking a mother is supposed to be supportive, a role model, and very loving, so why would her mother do that to her? It also depends on what age she was adopted out and what she remembers of it.

Just a side note. I'm not claiming to be a social worker or psychologist or anything. I just wanted to offer suggestions of coping. I can't say that I "know" what you're going through, I can only empathize with you and hope you get through this the best way for you. :-) I do agree what fmailyhistoryma said earlier, maybe counseling would help you too since they're not directly involved and can deal with the deeper issues you have. It certainly can't hurt to give that a try. :-)

(((miss)))


Mary

Hi from Jody an adoptee who never was able to meet my birth mom in this lifetime. I was born and adopted in 1955 a long time ago and they did not encourage birth mothers to write a letter or note to the adoptee.All adoptions were very closed and secretive. When in my 40's I searched and found my birth family, only my birth parents had passed away years before I found. I was welcomed by 3 older birth sisters. I was thrilled to meet them and they shared photos of my birth parents with me.I look like my birth mother. I do find it sad that I do not even have a letter from her and know that most agencies will allow you to leave letters in the adoption file for the adoptee. I do not know why your photos of your sons stopped coming- was this agreed upon or did the adoptive parents stop for any reason. Could you speak with anyone and let them know how helpful that was for you to just see photos of them. If you do not have any answer to that it surely is worth a try.
I lead adoption support groups in my area- Chicagoland western suburbs of Illinois and a Yahoo Club called Adoptees Christian Fellowship. I also edit Adoption Blessings Journal a 20 page free outreach publication sent by US mail. The publication shares stories, poems, articles, book reviews by adoptees, birth parents and adoptive parents. I also agree that writing about your journey can be very therapeutic. Also for me, my Christian faith has been such a strength in my lifelong adoption journey! God has been my constant and a everpresent 24 hour counselor!
Blessings to you and may you meet your sons someday and may they come to know what a loving and special person you are!
Jody Moreen, adoptee, Editor
Adoption Blessings Journal
www.adoptionblessingsnewsletter.com

I have tried to see why I have not received any more pictures of my boys, and still I have no idea why I nolonger get them. I have to keep asking my ex-husbands mother to contact them, and she always says she forgot. Which is ok she keeps me updated as to how they are, and I take comfort in knowing that even though I can't see them someone whom I trust can and tells me things she think will help me. I know that I will get more pictures again just don't know when.
As for me telling them feelings I have towards the fathers I would say anything ill about them to the boys if and when I meet them. No matter how I feel about them I don't think it is my place to make them feel the same as me, it up to them how they want to feel. I am sorry if I put what I was trying to say.

When I first gave up my boys the older of the two, his parents gave me a letter and it they said to me. "We are very happy to have the opportunity and privilege of adopting a child. We are thankful and promise to always love and care for this child. We know it took a great love for a child for a parent to allow the child to be given for adoption. We respect and thank you for this opportunity, privilege, and gift of love from your heart. We thank you from the bottom of our hearts." They also told me about there life and gave a picture of them. I keep these along with everything that has do with the adoptions of my boys. It helps me in a way, I can go back and look at these when I am feeling real bad, and know that my choice not only helped my boys but these to sisters and thier husbands who could have kids have to healthy wonderfull boys. Even though I have a hard time with it mostly on the birthdays and when my 2 year old does things that remind me of my oldest boy. I know that with time I will learn to deal with this much better and that this here has me alot, hearing from others who had been given up for adoption and hearing what you have to say helps me even more then any one could ever know. Just knowing that you were able to forgive your birth mothers and seek to know who she was is giving me hope that my boys will to want to know who I am.


Thank You all so much again.

i lost my two boys through miscarriage so i know about feeling empty it does improve with time.writing things down does help i had a journal for me to put everything in i was feeling which is fine as you are going through a grieving process. why dont you write ltters to your boys tell them how much you love them and think of them and what the weather is like what you did today anything that tells them about you and save them so when they come to find you they have your love for all the years they missed!
maybe you should get involved with your local youth group or school or somewhere children need you this will help i am a youth leader now at my church its helped me no end
most of all dont be so hard on yourself you are a good mum at least you cared enough to do what was right for your boys many out there dont give a toss

im also a pray guardian now for two cambodian orphans who have no one the charity is called warm blankets
they have 65 orphanages and are desparate for people like you and me to pray for a child!

go to www.prayforanorphan.org
www.warmblankets.org

you just fill in your details and they send you an email with the details of your child!

take one day at a time and be good to you!!

big hugs

alicat <img src="/images/graemlins/angel.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/images/graemlins/angel.gif" alt="" />

im sorry for you...you only did what's best for them. i hope the would seek for their real mother upon turning 18 and i pray thet they would both understand the reason you gave them away. put everything on God's hand. pray.

HI missmyboys

I know you might not check this any more, but I know what your going through.

My daughters where 3 and 6 when their dad took custody of them and moved to Hawaii. I didn't see them for 8 years. I still suffer guilt about it. I would pray for them and buy little cards and gifts for them even though I didn't have them and wasn't allowed to see them.

To make a long story short, I have a relationship with them now that they are grown (22 and 20 this summer). Last night my oldest daughter told me that she understand that I had to do what I tought was best for them. That even though she didn't understand when she was little and her dad told them that I abandoned them, she now knows that letting him take them there and raise them there with their grandparents close and their dad a constant in their lives was the best thing I could have done next to choosing to give birth to them. She called me her hero. I was a blubbering cry baby by the time she was done. I'm not sure that I will ever not feel guilty or sad about missing out on their childhood, but at least adulthood is so much longer... and they are more like my best firends now than anything else...

This summer my oldest daughter is going to come and spend a month with me before she moves permanently to Seattle. These young women and their brother are the beat of my heart. They are the oxygen in my lungs and the electrical impluses in my brain. I love them more than my own life and i would give my own life to make theirs easier and better and more wonderful every day. I know you would too, becasue you did... I'm proud of you. Your sadness may not ever fully subside, but you need to put your sons in Gods hands. He can hold them for you.

Wow that was a touching story....It made me get tears in my eyes.

I'm not posting this to be mean...

But maybe it'd be best for your boys if you severed all contact with them completely, for good. I'm sorry to have to say this so harshly, but looking at the things you've said about yourself [2 kids by 2 different men, both men being irresponsible, still having more kids with different fathers..], can you honestly say that you think they'll be missing out on much by not having you in their lives? Sometimes the very best thing a person can do [for everyone involved] is just to cut all ties.

Your 1st son was what, 6 months old when you were pregnant with the 2nd by an abusive drug-addict boyfriend? You took the one child you already had into a terrible situation, and then [by not using birth control and / or other methods of pregnancy prevention, even though you knew your BF was a drug addict] chose to add a 2nd child into it. Look, I'm not against comforting a person in their time of need, but sometimes you also need to tell the truth. You've made some really bad choices -- and they aren't choices that have just affected you. You weren't being a "good mother": you were being a selfish, irresponsible woman who gave birth to 2 children, who FINALLY made a decent decision that was actually in their best interest by giving them up.

What good will it do them in the future to be introduced to all of your problems? Really think things through. Maybe you'll see that you've already done the best thing you could do for them as a mother by giving them up to people who can give them a good life -- why not leave it at that? There's a good chance that knowing you could do them more harm than good...

I really didn't write this to be mean. I'm just hoping that it'll make you take a good, objective look at the situation so you can make a decision based on what's truly best for those boys -- not for yourself. That's what makes the difference between a woman-who-gave-birth and a mother.

Give yourself some time. As difficult as it will be, you need to try to put some distance between yourself & this situation so you can look at it clearly. Focus on making yourself stronger & getting your life in order. Concentrate on being a good mother to the child you have with you now.

It's now the end of July, and I see this thread went on for a while. Just wondering how "Miss my boys" is doing.
Adopted Mom

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