BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Big dilenma - my child to keep or not to keep?

My husband and I are big "child free" fans. However, I was pregnant and gave birth to my daugther 2 months ago. Since she was borned, I have been really depressed. I really don't want to raise a kid. I believe I don't have to repeat all the reasons here. At the beginning I was very sure I will place her through adoption so me and my hubby could go back to our lives. As time goes by, i guess the love grows between me and her and I feel like I am more and more attached to her. But deep down in my heart, I know I still do not like "kids" in general and don't want to raise one. But I don't know if I can deal with all the emotions if we do give her up. We might feel guilty, shameful, and regret. Gosh, what should we do???

It sounds like you and your husband together ought to go to some counseling.

This is not a decision to make lightly, and it certainly isn't one to be made by a bunch of us strangers on a forum (much as our hearts are with you.)

There are three lives in the balance, plus a marriage. This is big-time . Please talk to a counselor. If you are considering placing your child up for adoption, I would imagine your state would insist upon it anyway.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Thank you Bella_Harmony. I have been seeing two conselors and have not found them very helpful. The first one is lecturing me of how great kids are; and the second nice lady was sure this is just the postpartum depression. My hubby is kinda accepting the reality and I am still trying to seek another solution. I am panic even thinking of being a mom, but not sure if I feel more sad if I give her up. I know this is something we need to make a decision for. But this is the only place (other than the conselor) I can talk about this because I don't feel comfortable talking to anyone else. I almost have to pretend I love kids because all of my friends are parents.

I suffered from postpartum depression, actually I suffer from depression period, but it was aggravated right after the birth of my last child (he was born pre-mature & I was ver ill). So I can sympathize with you on that part at least.

Having a baby is literally a bond. You can't help but feel something for this tiny little person that was part of you for nine months. But the thing about love is, it is not an emotion, it is a choice. Emotions go along with it, definitely! We women are "hard-wired" to feel something for our babies so wel will care and nurture them, any mammal does that. But then there's where the difference lies. We also choose to teach them right from wrong, we want what's best for them, we don't want to see them hurt (and want to beat the [censored] out of anybody that does hurt them!) I actually found myslef wanting to go beat up a six year old little girl because she hurt my daughter's feelings when she told her she was "ugly". How crazy is that? I got over it - but that knee jerk response was there!

You don't have to "like" kids in general to love your child however. Heck, you don't even have to like your child half the time, LOL. When your 13 year old starts mouthing off at you and gets that "superiority complex" one has a very hard time "liking" him; but you always love him - even if you do want to shake him to death (the 13 year old not the baby! )

What does your husband say? Does he want to keep the child, or give her up? Have you 2 talked about what life would be like with a child? Not just now, but when she's in preschool, kindegarten, middle school, etc.? Have you talked about how to handle the stressful times; like money, illness (the baby's, yours, his)? What do you familie's say?

The longer you keep your baby, the harder it is going to be to give her up, bothe for you and her (of course, that might settle it then.) I'm just trying to give you some things to think aout and discuss. I've got a 14, 8 and 3 yr old - one of which is autistic; so I've pretty much run the gamut!

If you need to talk, don't hesitate to write back! I'm not trying to talk you into or out of keeping your baby, I just want to help you make the decision that is going to be best for all of you, if I can.

Wow. First of all, I would argue that this kind of thing really doesn't have a place on this part of the forum since of the two people who posted, both already have children.

...it's just not a "no kids" issue anymore and there are other forums here more appropriate.

Respecfully- I must say I agree with MKrinn...At this point you have already made a decision to give birth to the baby, so I don't think you are really making a decision here about whether to be "child free" or not. You are making a decision to give up the baby for adoption or raise her- which is an entirely different issue. I wish you the best of luck...this is a truly difficult decision to make.

The only advice I would offer is this: Make your decision based on what is best for the child...this might sound harsh...but you gave up the right to put yourself first when you had her.

Well, to sort of veer off onto a side street--I think a person can be childfree and still choose to have the baby--i.e., those of us who don't believe abortion is right. If I got pregnant, I would still have the baby, it would just be put up for adoption. I would still be childfree...just a childfree person who got pregnant by accident and could not have an abortion.

Yes- Katja I absolutely see your point. I suppose my interpetation of her story was that she wasn't adamantly child free if she still isn't sure about adoption and the baby is 2 months old. To me a "child free" person who did not believe in abortion would make the adoption process as painless as possible by giving up the child at birth...it seems like in this case Jenny still isn't sure what she wants and now there is a baby caught in the middle of it all. I guess I just don't understand why this decision wasn't made before now??? Or perhaps she made a decision before and has changed her mind??? If Jenny was going to give her up all along why is the baby still with her???...do you see what I mean??

You are right, I got pregnant by accident. and during the 9 months, I was around 6 other pregnant women at work. So I was not sure if I want to keep the baby at that time. I tought i would change,though my hubby was hardcore child free. He was not very excited and I am like "let's see how it goes first." So we haven't started the adoption process. but now i realize i am still not keen on taking care of a kid and am scared of it. sorry i know i am no longer one of the "never have kids", and I do envy those who dont' have to go through this. But I feel really alone and isolated because I can't talk to any of my friends and families because the guilt of "giving up a baby because I don't want to raise her" is killing me.

Hugs to you, Jenny. My advice is to find a new counselor, one for you AND hubby. You might make an appointment with a reputable adoption agency too, just to feel it out. Most offer preadoption counseling. That counselor would be perhaps better equipped to help you. The counseling can only help you find what's right for you and the baby. I would look into it as soon as possible. You need help that your current counselor is obviously not giving you and we on this board can only offer our own opinions.

Best of luck to you.