BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids losing friends because they started to have kids?

I'm 27 and me and my fiancee have been hanging out with our college friends pretty regularly for the past 5 years since graduation. The group has some couples, some singles, but no one with children as of right now although many of them plan to have them in the future. I worry that as they have kids they will disappear and eventually there will be no one left. Has anyone experienced this already? Is it pretty much the way things always turn out?

i don't know if it's how things always turn out. it has happened to me a lot though. but part of it is my fault. since i'm cf but not by choice, i felt a great deal of jealousy toward my friends who were having children. and it was hard for me to put my feelings aside and spend time with them. since they're so busy with their kids, they didn't have time to call me, and since i was so hurt by the whole thing, i didnt' call them. it's a 2-way street, i know. but i could have done something to save the friendship.

i'm trying my best now to keep my remaining friendships going strong. one of my very close friends is pg right now, but she's experienced the pain of infertility, and i think she will make the effort too to keep this friendship. i'm hoping i don't let my old feelings come back though. it's hard even now.

you're going to have to make more of an effort than you do now. however, remember they are probably not going to have as much time for you as before the kids came. try not to take it personally. but it does suck to feel like you're no longer as important as you once were to your friends.

good luck.

there are always so many changes in life. I've lost friends because they were too busy with their marriages, and then when they had kids. It may not be fun, but it's a part of the cycle of things and that is how I try to look at it. Since I don't want kids at all, I just miss having my old playmates. <img src="/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I actually have a lot of my old friends. And all but 1 of them have children. We all live near eachother and gossip all the time. I have learned that me being CF and them having kid's doesnt make us "against" eachother, it's just a part of life. We go out a lot on weekends, and yes they have to get a babysitter but I also have to clear my schedule because I am over-worked a lot. So we all sacrifice to make time for eachother.

My friends are the best people ever and even though children made it a little more difficult to go out every-night (I couldnt anyway with my job) I still wouldnt give them up just because they have a different lifestyle then me.

I think you just have to work harder at maintaining friendships once the babies start rolling out. When people have kids they lose the option of being spontaneous. (Reason #472 not to have kids.) Once upon a time I could call up my friends and say, "hey let's go for drinks after work." Now I hear, "I can't - I've got to pick up Mikey from daycare." Which is a pain, but then we just make plans for another day so they can arrange to have their husbands pick up the kids or something.

And then I double check to make sure I've taken my birth control pill.

I too, have lost contact with tons of friends since they have had kids. My fiancee and I are friends with older people who have grown kids, my gay friends,and 1 or 2 childfree couples. I was married for 13 years and my childfree huband and I also had trouble finding other childfree couples to hang out with. You are not alone.

With most of my friends who have children, I typically just hear from them less frequently. I've also completely lost friends once they've had kids.

But with my dearest friends, there's been no change whatsoever to our friendships when they've had children. My best friend has two kids, the oldest is almost 17, and our friendship has never changed.

So the answer is this: You will lose friends over the years, for a variety of reasons -- when they marry, when they move, when they have kids, when they change jobs. But that's how you learn who your real friends are. You may wind up with fewer friends, but they will be the ones worth having.

Well, I noticed that socializing drops off a bit with new kids, but the real problem I encounter is losing casual friends or once close friends because the new wife does not want her husband to have single male friends, at all, once they're married. Married friends is okay, but not single. This occurs at or around the wedding. On a number of occasions, depending on the wife, I have been told, "you can't be friends with him anymore cuz he is married and you're not" and wives not passing phone messages to their husbands that their friend called. No callbacks, no e-mail, and if I get them on the phone, it's a "hello" and "uh, she's home now and I gotta go." Oh, yeah, maybe I offended someone, but mutual friends of these friends would inevitably call me to tell me that the wife suddenly decided she "did not like me" and that was that. I bless the wives that can accept the friends of her husbands...heck, we're no threat. But it's hard being single in a married world! <img src="/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Not sure if any one is still on the subject, but how do you all go about finding friends that are kid free like us? There have got to be organized groups some where? It is now one of the first questions I ask when I meet new people, couples "Do you have kids?" if they say no then I say "are you planning on having kids?". If they say yes, to any and all of the questions, I am nice, but no longer try to forge anything deep.
I realize that this thread was started a long time ago, but I do not have a lot of people around me that understand where I am coming from. I told some one yesterday at work that I for sure did not want to have children and (she actually said this to me)"That is a horible thing to say, you should not say things like that" ... I totally defended my self and so did the MAN that was in the conversation with us.
I read an earlier post where some one was making excuses for their friends... I am glad that her friend knows how to get a baby sitter, none of my friends seem to understand that I/WE are child free for a reason and that it is a choice and that I am not over joyed by the idea of going to the mall with them and their 2 year old. Is any body feeling me out there? I do not mean to sound hateful, but I am really tired of having it all forced on me... I just wish I could find others like us, my husband and I some one for him to golf with that does not bring their kids along for the match and some one for me to go to the flea-market with WITH OUT A STROLLER... I am not a horrible person, I do not hate children, I love them, but not on my time, my weekend, not at my office... themaryann

There is a worldwide group called No Kidding! Check out the website and find out if there is local chapter where you live.

http://www.nokidding.net