BellaOnline Forums Family Moms Difficult question for Moms

Hello,

I am new here. I have a difficult question for Moms. Did any of you have children because your husband wanted them?
I'll explain. I have never really had a strong desire to have children. I always thought "Maybe down the road at some point." (Which is what I told hubby before marriage). We are newly married and my husband has expressed an interest in starting a family in 2-3 years. Therefore, I have been doing a lot of soul-searching as to why I never thought I wanted children. I am starting to think it was because I was raised in a pretty dysfunctional environment and never really saw an example of a well-adjusted, well-behaved child. I really believed all children were out-of-control and just couldn't see why I would put myself through the aggravation. My husband on the other hand grew up in Beaver/Cleaver land and seems to have a very rosy picture of family life. I am starting to realize that both of us are coming from extreme viewpoints and the reality lies somewhere in the middle. So, I am wondering if anybody here had a child/children simply because their spouse wanted one and if so, are you happy with your decision?

Hi Secrets,

Not a difficult question at all. I personally had children because we both wanted children. However, I do have a relative who only had children because her husband wanted them. And she told him, I will have them but you will take care of them.

And believe me he pulls most of the load with the children. My feelings at first was what a terrible mother but then I got to visit her family and be around her mother and father with the other small siblings and now no longer wonder why it is a struggle for her.

Children can get out-of-control if only you ignore parenting I believe. Like in my family, good days and questionable days but no regret. And believe it or not, my relative is now getting more comfortable with her parenting even though you can tell some areas she is still not comfortable but it�s great there is someone else to take care of those areas.

Have you considered talking to a counselor or your husband about all your questionable feelings? I can't tell you that it did not affect the children and their relationship in the beginning � it did. You have not had the first and are in a perfect position to explore your true feelings. Maybe there is hope because you did not say outright � heck no, no children (smile) � so maybe that is a good sign.

I don't think any of us are perfect parents but learning parents whether we learn it on our own, from others, from information sources whatever � we keep learning.

I hope this helps you.

Angela Renee

Every single aspect of family life:

http://www.worlds-best-mothers-guide.com

Hi Moms. Thank you so much for your response!! :-)

I have always thought it would be a dangerous position to put yourself in to tell your spouse to do all the work if you didn't really want a child. I mean...what if the spouse were to die?
Do you know if your relative ever regrets her decision? Or does she seem happy?
I guess that's what I meant by difficult question...I think it would be a very hard thing for a mom to admit (if she had any regrets).

I would say there were no regrets because her parenting has gotten much better and so have her relationship with her husband � normal. I personally never heard it come out of her mouth - whether it has been said to hubby, don't know.

I don't know how to explain this to keep from sounding ugly but over the course of several years, you could just tell that emotionally it did not connect for her. It was like she was afraid that if she would touch her children they would bite.

But now she's not afraid to comb hair, play with them, yes talk with them. At first, it was just horrible but she was surrounded by supportive people and when she finally started to talk more to us, she told us how growing up the children were left to fend for themselves � eating, dressing, etc.

I may be wrong but to me, all parents have questions about whether they made the right choices at time, does the right things at time etc. But I do know you are doing the right thing about exploring your feelings before there are children.

My regret was in not talking about everything revolved around children. Like what type of schooling, would someone need to be at home, how would we afford this or that � the other things you know. Something else learned as a parent, but learned late.

I think you are doing a really good thing questioning the way you feel now before their are children involved.
My husband and I did alot of soul searching about the issue of having childern and we both decided we are happy being childfree.We have a great life and would not change a thing.
Just take your time and make an informed decision and just do what is right for you and your man.

There is nothing wrong with choosing to not having children I just wanted to emphasize that because some people have a problem with ones choice to be child free.Its better to make a choice like that than to have a child and regret it.Alot of people are in that situation and that must be terrible....

Great question. I would never have children just because someone else wanted them. Raising kids is very, very challenging. Sure there are rewards along the way but it's hard work. I do not have any birth children. Early in my life I chose not to have them. But in my 40's I met a man who had sole custody of two boys (then 2 and 3 1/2). Long story short, we got married and I had an instant family. The boys' birth mom has nothing to do with them (which I will never understand) so I've always been "mom." I love the boys dearly and I'm very blessed to have them in my life. The problem I'm having is that many times dad has checked out and I feel like I'm a single parent. There was nothing in the fine print about being THE only one with the boys. I love them but sometimes feel a little resentful because my husband is really not an involved parent. I wouldn't change being their mom for anything. I just know this does need to change. My husband does not communicate well at all and talking about things like this is difficult. I'd just like more help. Any ideas?

First of all I think you need to let your husband read your post.You are a very special person indeed for taking in these boys as your own.I am sure you are a wonderful mother and your husband and sons are very lucky to have you.

Maybee if you have a heart to heart with your husband and tell him how you are feeling it will help.
I hope it all goes well for you.

Thanks, freespirit. I know that's exactly what I need to do. Our anniversary is coming up and I truly want our family closer and all of us working together. Thanks for your encouragement.

You are very welcome <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I am sure everything will be better after you have a talk to your man.