BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting Stepdaughter problems

My stepdaughter is 18 and currently in foster care because she beat up her mother and, at that time she didn't want to come live with us. She is also involved in a court case because she had an affair with her sisters' boyfriend when she was underage. Now the boyfriend is facing charges of statutory rape and child endangerment, not just with my stepdaughter but also with 4 of her friends, all underage. My problem is this; after the court is over she has expressed her desire to come live with us. My husband and I are having difficulties in our marriage. This child has caused us so many problems in the past, she's tried to get my husband arrested for child abuse and almost cost him his job. He works for the gov't. He's never laid a hand on her. She's manipulative and can lie to your face without batting an eye. She's stolen money from me and forged checks from our bank account. I don't want her here!!!! I'm afraid that our shaky marriage won't survive. What can I do? She has nowhere else to go. My husband doesn't want her here either but she's his daughter. Her mother doesn't want her either. Any suggestions?

Oh Raynefalls, my heart just goes out to you. We are having trouble with my 18 year old step son and thought we had it about as bad as it gets, but your story wins. Sorry! (hugs)
I fully understand your anxiety and fear about having your stepdaughter come and live with you. Personally, I think it is quite appropriate to tell her that you love her, and will help her toward her new life as an adult by helping her get her own place (maybe you could contribute first and last month's rent) and tell her that she is a grown up now, and is on her own. There is no percentage in letting her come home and be disruptive if it is ultimately just a. guilt talking that someone hasn't loved this kid enough in the past (I know what I am talking about here... this was a biggie when we confronted our son's desire to come home) or b. it is a free place for her to live supported (and to some kids at this age, support = love. Don't let them come home, and you don't love them etc. But you've stood tough on other things before... don't let them go somewhere=you don't love them... don't buy them what they want=you don't love them... you get the drift.) You've got to sort out your feelings of obligation and guilt over the mess she's in before you can plan what to do next. And most of all, if you agree together that it is the right thing to do to have her come home... have a back up plan if she needs to be removed. Have the name of shelters for teens or another safe place handy and then you know you can without guilt tell her she can't live at home anymore.
FYI: our older son had rages... our previous place had just about all of the windows broken, he'd threatened to kill his dad, himself numerous times, the police were a regular visitor to our house. He would go to his mother's until she couldn't take him anymore and then home he'd come. He assaulted his mother (not serious... a shove, but good for her! she pressed charges) He was living in his own apt. for which we helped get him set up. Work ran out for him and then, he wanted to come home. Now, it's been almost a year since he has lived with us, and in many ways he's grown up. My husband wants to believe that this time it will be different. I am a mess. I used to go away to work and not be sure they wouldn't both be dead when I got home. And now we want to go back there??????? Our younger son has really blossomed with having a peaceful environment and his own space. I am anxious that he not be sacrificed for the elder. Stuck between bad experiences in the past and a father's love and hope. End of story- call me a fool, but we are giving it a try. Zero tolerance for violence, either physical or verbal. After 4 days I thought we'd never make it... but now we might be getting somewhere. But I agree with you, it is tough on a marriage. I do believe that a parent has to do what s/he believes they must for their child, and unfortunately the new marriage partner has to be second. Hard choice, but living with the chaos of a troubled teen is hell on wheels. Keep in touch. Good luck!
Trish

If you don't mind, I'm putting my two cents in as the parent, not the step-parent (that would be my husband). Our situation was different because my son was so much younger and his rages were due to having Asperger's Syndrome (similar to High Functioning Autism).

I agree that your step-daughter is old enough that she can make it on her own if she has to. And I definitely understand about not wanting to jeopardize your marriage. After all, children grow up and move away, that's the way it's supposed to be; but you should grow up and old with your spouse. But I think your husband is going to feel horribly guilty if he doesn't give this one more try.

If the two of you DO decide to let her come and stay
1. Make it a trial period
2. Insist on counseling; this girl obviously has deep rooted problems, and needs help. Whether she needs a psychiatrist by herself or the group of you need family counseling - y'all are going to need some support.
3. Decide on and set strict rules on alcohol, drugs, etc. Don't wait for a situation to come up - try to think of the scenarios ahead of time so you can head off all surprises.
4. Figure out a way to not have your husband and his daughter ever alone together. It disturbs me that she has already tried accusing him of inappropriate behavior, I don't doubt she will try it again as soon as she becomes angry. If he is never alone with her, then she won't have the opportunity.

If you two decide that you can't handle taking her in; don't let guilt eat at you or your husband !

I recall from a sermon I heard once; not all good parents always have good children. Consider Samson; his parents were firm believers in God and dedicated their son at his birth to their Lord. Samson broke pretty much every single command God gave him, only barely redeeming himself in the end.

It may not be yours or your husband's place to redeem this young lady; it may be time for her to take responsibility and redeem herself.

Thank you for your answers. She's coming to live with us at the end of January. There will be rules and she won't be happy about it, but, if she wants to stay here she'll have to abide by them. She'll either have to go to work or she goes to college. She's currently still in Tennessee, working 2 jobs at minimum wage so she's trying to get herself together. I don't believe that I'll ever be able to trust her or leave her alone in the house, but I'm home all the time anyway so that's fine. I guess we'll just have to wait and see what she does. If she messes up, she's out of here. I won't put up with any more garbage! She gets one more chance. Again, thank you.

Raynefalls, this will undoubtedly be extremely hard on all of you but it has the potential to be a blessing. I said a prayer for you today that God will give patience, strength, endurance, tolerance, humor, understanding, and peace and all the tools that you will need over the next few weeks and months. 18 is a very hard time of life for a girl, remember? I commend you and your husband for putting up with this kind of disruption but I know that it can be successful, with God's help. I did the same thing 10 years ago with my brother. It was very hard on my marriage, but we did survive, and my brother (after a few tries) became an independent, respectable man who is now helping other troubled people.

Bless you for trying. It is okay to keep an eye open to check on things, without being too obvious. Be honest and don't be afraid to talk about things. My brother said that he wished people had challenged him to do right alot earlier instead of ignoring his behavior. Good Luck!

Trish