BellaOnline Forums Relationships Domestic Violence The Mask

Does anyone else here struggle with taking their mask off, and just being 'real,' pertaining to the domestic violence they have endured?

I was really hoping to get some inputs and insight into this. <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I"m not sure I understand the question. (sorry, it's late. lol) Anyway do you mean be real in the repect of with your friends and family by admitting to what's going on, or real to your husband? Or real to yourself?

i know when I 1st started seeing my psychiatrist, we had a discussion about this.

He had a profile of me from where I had gone through a battery of tests with a psychologist for my gastric bypass surgery (which I falies at that time due to my depression being too severe - the psychologist wanted me to start seeing a psychiatrist, hence...)

We were talking, he kept glancing at the papers, then looking at me, and shifting back and forth. Finally he said, "You're here for depression?" I said yes to which he said "you are the least depressed acting person I have ever met. Yet these tests clearly indicate that your depression and anxiety are severe. You have one of the best masks I have ever seen! I would not have been able to tell. Now drop it, so we can get some work done!"

It took me a month (at least) to "drop it" so to speak. Even after i went into the hospital the counselors were constantly after me about my mask and using humor to deflect from tragedy. And I even use my concern for others to deflect from myself. If I get caught up enough in helping someone else out I can forget about me.

The 1st person I ever told about the rape blew me off, so I learned never to speak about it again, and i hid everything I was really feeling. Then after I had michael (my Asperger's child) and Jordan and got my divorce; I buried everything for the "good of my children".

Somehow my "mask" became more real than I was.

Rexann, I mean to my friends and family, my therapist, and to myself.

Michelle, I totally understand what you mean. My situation has been difficult because it was my husband that did the sexual abuse. Even though the doctors say it was rape, it's still hard for me to say that word. Repeatedly over an 11-year span took its toll on me and I constructed and wore and very strong mask.

Thank you both for responding. I really appreciate it. I recently have found myself wearing this mask daily, yet in my pursuit of healing, have come to understand that I must take it off or healing will never truly take place. My goal is to heal. So, I suppose I'm just looking for others who can understand and relate to this. Thank you for showing me that you both do.

There is song that is done by the Blue Man Group on their The Complex Rock Tour Live CD (& DVD - we have both) it's called "Persona". Josh Haden does the haunting and breathtaking vocals on it.

It goes:
[color:"blue"]"In the morning I put it on, I walk outside and I am gone
and I don't seem to mind, any more
I can't think what it was like before I wore it all the time.
Ohhhhhhhh, ohhhhhh, ohhhhhhh

In the evening I take it off, but there's another one underneath
And I can't seem to find the bottom of the stack
I might just lose my mind, and never get it back
but at least I'll get inside
Ohhhhhhhh, ohhhhhh, ohhhhhhh

There's a feeling that I get sometimes, it's so small that it's easy to hide
It's like a howling voice from the distant past
It seems I've got no choice, when it comes to this
It's building up inside.
Ohhhhhhhh, ohhhhhh, ohhhhhhh"[/color]

This song is just how I feel sometimes. The music is just haunting, and it feels like i've got different masks for different people.

Kellie, you were especially in a hard place. Battered women almost always have to have a mask as a defense, and then on top you are a mother - so you wear a mask to protect your child from your pain, because he goes through enough. Now you've taken on roles of leading other women out of the same Hell you were in, so you've got your mask of strength so you can be a good leader. Sometimes masks are necessary - but you've GOT to find someone to let it down with other than just your therapist, or else you'll be like those levees that burst from the overwhelming pressure in Louisiana.

You've done amazing things, let someone bear you up for a while. <img src="/images/graemlins/heart.gif" alt="" />

Blue Man Group - The Complex CD click here for info on getting the CD

Michelle,

I read that and I cried...thank you. You are the first one to completely understand what my life is like. Thank you for obviously taking the time to get to know me, albeit online, but getting to know me nonetheless.

I met with someone last night. I have known her for 4 years, and she is also a survivor. It's taken me this long to be able to 'trust' and take off the mask. Last night, we sat in her van, while I poured stuff out...took the mask off and cried. So that one that you speak of to bear me up...she is the one I believe that will do just that.

Thank you again, for your compassion. It really means alot.

I had a hard time coming to grips with my abuse...sometimes I would feel like I was walking around with JUST the abuse written all over me...I wouldn't trust anyone or smile .. laughing was really difficult...almost uncomfortable for me. I had to learn all over again how to do it. The one time I tried to talk to my mom about what had happened to me, she said that she didn't want to talk about it because she couldn't even empathize with my experience. I held a grudge for a long time about this. I thought of anyone, my mom would care about it. This led me to think noone really cared so I changed the way I approached it when other women would talk to me about being abused. I promised myself that I would be the one to care and empathize and understand. I didn't want to hold them in the victim mode, but I wanted to give them a place where they could feel like someone saw them for what they really were and loved them anyway. People in abusive situations are always hounded with the "Whydidyoustay?" attitude from others. Untill you know what another persons life is like and are willing yourself to step up and REALLY help...like with money and a place to live and the kind of protection and security that a battered family would need, just keep your pity to yourself....I would always say to people who would state that "they would just leave" I would ask them "How would youleave? Where would you live? How would you make him leave? What would you do with your kids?" When they couldn't answer all those questions RIGHT AWAY with a plan,I would tell them that they really don't know what they are talking about. So my approach to being able to stand up and state outloud that some guy used to hit me and hurt me and I took it for a long time and then walked away has come from being able to stand up for others who weren't strong enough to stand up for themselves.

Oh, by the way, I've forgiven my mom for her inability to empathize with me...instead I have allowed her to see me happy and content and strong. I have moved on in my life and have found real peace and joy....

One day you will too...just know yourself...you have nothing to be ashamed of...this is something I beleive God has allowed to happen in your life so you can reach someone else...There are no coinsidences...God loves you all very much and so do I...we're sisters in a way..(and brothers)...sharing a common sorrow that the good Lord will take from us when He comes back...

I think everyone who has endured abuse has a hard time with this issue. I have recently been letting my mask off with certain people in my life. It is easy for me to sit behind this computer and talk and talk about what I went through. But get me in person and I will hardly ever talk about it unless someone brings it up and opens themself up to me first. My question is, is this mask helpful or harmful?

Oh, it's both! I know that early on I needed the "mask" to get through everyday life, and to get my children thru it.

The mind is such an amazing thing: I think back to the first time I read "Sybill" - think about what that child's mind did to protect her! For me, it was just a matter of placing everything I couldn't deal with behind this "wall" and pretending for so long that nothing ever got to me, that eventually I began to believe it myslef.

It's only been since I've been married to David and had such a strong support system, and not had to handle everything by myself that things started breaking through.

I at first thought "what horrible timing, just when my life is finally going good." But then my therapist started me thinking - i've never been this safe before - so this is the first chance my subconcious would feel OK to let anything out.

The masks are a defense mechanism we need and use to survive through horrible times, but i think if we continue to hold onto them forever - that's when they become a bad thing. Because then we can't enjoy life as our true selves.