BellaOnline Forums Relationships Relationships Help!!! Why can't I get him out of my head????

This is a long story, so please bare with me (I'll try to make this as short as possible, and I thank you in advance for your time.

I met my current live-in boyfriend in March of 2003. I had been single for years and was very lonely. We became very serious very quickly. We are still together, we've built a small company, and are still very much in love.

Here comes the but....About a month or so after, my boyfriend and I started dating. I met someone else, there was an instant attraction, sparks, pheramones, love at first sight, whatever you want to call it.... I've never felt this way about someone before.

This kind gentleman also felt the same way about me. He tried for 2 years to get a date with me while I politely declined everytime. I finally went for a coffee with him a year ago, all we did was talk for about an hour, and left it at that. I felt very guilty about this, but I quickly got over it, as I had nothing physical to feel guilty about. Is this wrong?

This gentleman, finally gave up, because I could never purposely hurt my boyfriend, by cheating.

During this whole time, and to this very day, I have suffered over my choices. I think about this guy constantly, even when I'm at my busiest, he manages to slip in there. I see him in my dreams, I fantasize about him during intimate times with my boyfriend. We've shook hands a few times, and it's made me melt. I've had other attractive guys approach me during my relationship, but only this particular one has such an immense hold on me. I just can't get him out of my head!!!!!!

I have tried everything that I can think of to deal with this (had lot's of time to ponder), except for telling my boyfriend about my feelings. I know that if I do, it will break his heart which is what I have been trying NOT to do for over 2 years, but I have to stop the hurting as well because this is driving me mad!!! Sometimes, I even feel a bit of resentment towards my boyfriend, which I control, because it's not his fault.

If you have any insight, into this, I will appreciate anything I can get. Thanks Again

That's quite an issue you've got there for yourself. So if i understood it correctly, this guy's been in your head for two years now?

there's a lot you need to consider. physical attraction is nothing when you get to know a person on the inside. a guy can be the most handsome man you've ever seen but if he's infected with arrogance and any other kind of disease of the character, then you don't even want to look at, or hear or even speak to him. that's how it is for me with females.

i don't know if you've heard that little saying of, "it's better to be with the one that loves you, than the one that you love" ? i feel bad for your boyfriend, especially with all the stuff you said you experience in silence. but i also sympathise with you because i've been through a similar experience myself, unfortunately.

but consider this, no matter what, you will have that one person that you can rely on: your boyfriend. don't let a beautiful thing go to waste because of this. come on now, you're stronger than that. what's instant gratification compared to a lifetime full of love??? i know you'll feel at times that you can just drop it all with your boyfriend because you feel as though you've got something better around the corner, but that's not the reality of it. yeah i understand that our mind at times likes to make up little fairy tales and all, but we gotta remember that that's all they are, fairy tales. desire is a baser instinct of human beings. this is a primitive characteristic that we possess, so in the end, what i'm telling you is that you're above this. you're above all of this, remember that. forget this loser. really, when you think about it, there's only a small number of people that you can depend on with your life, and i bet you that this guy isn't on that list, whereas your boyfriend is (maybe the first, mabye not, but he's up there). think good, think hard and long. you need to do what's really good for you and those you love, and not what you simply desire, because that can leads to action without thought.

stay strong

Thanks Entender for your words of wisdom, I appreciate it...
I'm trying my best to stay strong, and I am certainly one to appreciate something that is wonderful.

I guess pondering over choices is just part of life, I know I'll get over it eventually, and I know that things are great and have been since I met my boyfriend. I just don't believe that I'll end up with "the one" for a lifetime, and I never have, so I've been taking it one day at a time, and it seems to work quite well.

Thanks Again

Hiya Jetgirl!
The way I read your original problem was that you never really got to know this new man because of the loyalty you feel for you boyfriend. Is that true, that except for your hour talking to him you really don't know him? Answer me that, then I have more to say, but basically, I believe in sparks and love and believe that you can find a great human being but also have amazing chemistry for the rest of your life with them. I understand loyalty, but the reality is your dating not married yet. I am not saying up and leave your current situation, but 2 years is a long time to think of another man, so maybe your not getting all you need where your at.. and no matter how long you have been with this man, your not married, and you deserve to be as happy as you can be in this life, and maybe if your feeling like your missing out on something, just maybe so is your boyfriend.
Just thoughts
H

Thanks GirlontheGO for your kind words...

Here's an updated version of the situation, if I may...

I'm still with my boyfriend, and we've just celebrated our 3 year anniversary.

About 3 weeks ago, I spoke with the other gentleman, online, after not hearing from him since November. He told me he still wants me, but it's more than just physically.

I told him, I'm still in love with my boyfriend, but I felt the same way about him too. I also said it was just bad timing, I guess, and maybe someday we can enjoy each other fully.

As far as how well I know him. I've had a few coffee dates with him, and we used to see each other at the gym at least once a week for a long time. We would chat for no longer than 10-15 minutes, but this happened a lot. We've also kept in touch through emails here and there as well.

So, I can't say that I know him very well, but in my heart....I feel like I've known him forever.

I still think about him constantly, and have yet to figure out why.

I really do love my boyfriend with all my heart (hence the reason I've never succumbed to temptation), we're best friends, and I can't picture my life without him, but you're right I do (and always have) feel something is missing.

Thanks Again for Your Opinion, it really counts to me!

JetGirl

What you feel is very good! May be you will succeed in making him your "old friend".

What you feel is very good! May be you will succeed in making this gentleman your "old friend".

JetGirl,
Find out what and who you want and need to be happy. Nothing worse than wondering what might have been if that connection would have been honored.
I have been married for over 2 decades and I have a similar situation. I can tell you, if I didn't have such a history with my husband and if he weren't sick, I would be gone in a flash and filfull my life with the "other man".
As it is, hubby needs me, I need the other man, and my commitment to my marriage will keep me here with my husband in spite of the connection I feel with this other man.
Good luck,
Connie5752

I've been with my husband for 8 years. 6 years ago I was introduced to a friend on his that I've been dreaming of ever since. We used to see each other in social settings regularly, but I never did anything bold enough to let him know I was interested in anything more than friendship.
Anyway, Two Thoughts:
*The way to love anything is to realize that it could be lost.
*The grass is always greener on the other side.
They are old sayings, but they've kept me true.

Excellent advice Diana!

I would also point this out: there are two types of love -
1. The short lived "emotion" that can fade over time or be whittled down by annoying habits, arguments, any number of things.
2. The longlasting "choice" that is made everyday. The love that is commitment and based on a foundation of trust and respect and only grows as we gorw together and experience life together. (This is the kind of love that allows us to still love our 4 yr old even though he has just "decorated" our priceless Ming vase with markers!)

The 2nd is a much harder type of love to attain, but worth much more in the end.