BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids My best friend is pregnant...

While I'm really happy for her, I just know it's going to make things that much more tense between DH & I. My friend & her DH live a few hours away, but they will be here after the baby is born. I'm not really sure why I posted, but I just was wondering how others have dealt with friends who are expecting & your spouse wants kids & you don't. Ever been though a similar situation? Thanks for reading....

I understand what you are going through. I am 35 and I have been married for 10 years and I choose not to have kids. I have had many friends who have kids and although it was a bit awkward for me at first now I have come to terms with the situation and I try and participate in their lives and their children's lives. I babysit, buy presents and spend a lot of time with them. I realized that the best way to deal with this is to tell them that yes I don't have kids but I like them and would like to be there for them. It is not always easy for them to understand but if they are your true friends it usually works.As for you DH and you , you have to clear the air..you really have to talk.
It probably doesn't help but i have been through that and I don't regret my decision. Good luck!

Unfortunately for me, the friends I have that have burdened themselves with kids seem to think that my life is missing something so they deliberately "shove" their kids in my face. They bring them to my house and let them run amok. They would make plans with me then cancel at the last minute using their kids as an excuse. They talk about them incessantly. I just don't get it. They are either very jealous of my childfree life or they *HONESTLY* think that I am missing out on something. Either way, I don't bother with these "friends" anymore. My life is much happier now! I remember back when these "friends" called me to tell me they were pregnant - I honestly wasn't very happy for them. My first thoughts were always, "Oh god, now why did they go and do THAT? Well, there's another friend I won't be seeing anymore." I always pretended to be happy for them anyway.

To me, a real friend respects others for who they are and what they think. A person with kids who is truly a friend is one who will not pressure you to believe joining their world will make you happy.

I've only had one friend so far get pregnant and have a baby, and she never shoved it in my face. She had her kid very young (16 =O), but she always took good care of her, and I actually thought she was a very cute, well behaved little girl.
When we did hang out, a lot of the time we were hanging around her house, but I'm a homebody, so it didnt bother me. Plus her little girl rarely did anything obnoxious like most kids do.
I think if they are REAL friends, they'll respect your decision, and find time for you and her little one.
As for your DH wanting kids, you REALLY need to sit down and discuss what you both want out of the relationship, if he loves you, he will respect your decision on what you do or don't want to do with YOUR body.

I'm so sorry. Once my best friend had kids, things were never the same between us again. She's always too busy with her kids, and even when I try to call her, her kids won't shut up long enough for us to have a decent conversation. <img src="/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />
Let us know how it works out!

I live in a very famblee friendly town and am surrounded by military familes who all have like fifty children a piece and honestly the constant exposure to pregnant women and children made me a little screwy over the past few months. I *knew* for a fact that I do not want a child and even if I did not my own biological child anyway. I was finding myself wondering if I am missing out on something and had babies on my brain all day long until I came back down to my senses. After I really began to look at the people around me and their lifestles vs. mine I was really able to reaffirm why I want to live a childfree life.

I realize this is not the exact situation you and your husband are in, but I do believe (and hope for you) that your husband may come to the same conclusions I did about children after spending time with your best friends baby and even seeing the changes tyour friends go through during the pregnancy and life as new parents together. Many TV shows, commercials, books and other media items force feed this wonderful, rosy picture of parenthood and I know a large part of why I was having a change of heart about parenthood had a lot to do with the Hallmark version of parenthood. I know I was driving my husband crazy with it and we had numerous arguments about the subject. We also picked up several books including "The Parenthood Decision" and had long talks about the issue of parenting and really came to a wellthought out decision thanks to the questions in the book.

Three years ago my best friend became pregnant. it really threw me for a loop b/c she was the first one of friends to start a family and to be honest it gave me a good excuse not to have to think of the whole idea of whether or not i wanted kids beforehand. well i'll tell you i had a very difficult time with it because it made me realize that i really didn't want to have children .in fact i went to counseling b/c i thought something was wrong with me. luckily i found a really great counselor that helped me through it.
even though our relationship has changed simply b/c she doens't have the time that she used to we are still best friends. she doesn't try to convince me to have kids and i'm very respectful of her decision. however, i have made more of an effort to hang out with my other friends who don't have kids and to try to make new ones. also i found that when the reality of parenthood set in for my friend that she really appreciated my help. she's pregnant again and this time i'm handling it a lot better. there's a really great book called " why don't you have kids?living a life without parenthood"by leslie lafayette that has a chapter called making new friends and keeping the old ones. it deals specifically with when friends become parents.it was really helpful to me.
as for your husband wanting kids,i agree with everyone who has said that you really should sit down with him and really talk over the issue of kids.
indigo

Llamadrama I'm going through the same thing atm. Mate just had a baby, partner wants them and I resolutely don't. We have other friends with kids and that is fine when they are respectful of our situation, we can both deal with that. But this particular mate is one he does not get on with and finds it very difficult to countenance the idea of getting together with now they have babies. Also you've got to wonder about conversation around the dinner table when all they have in their life is the baby - what else are they going to talk about? Already, even though I have never hidden the fact that I have zero interest in babies, I still get the news etc and the cutesy photos so that makes me think that in spite of her best intentions there'll still be lots of baby stuff and we just don't need it. My feeling is that partner comes first and I'll do what I need to do to protect us from having it shoved in our faces. It's not fair on either of us. If that means cutting ties or restricting contact, then that's what happens, I'm afraid.

KidFree,

Thanks so much for your honesty! It is so refreshing to hear someone else who also thinks "Now, why would you do that?!?!?!"upon hearing the baby news. No matter how much you try to convince yourself a friendship will be the same once a baby is thrown into the mix, it is simply not true. Nothing is ever the same once baby arrives...not marriages...not friendships.

I also try to be happy for the friends who want babies in their lives. However, the simple truth is that just because they have decided to bring a child into their life...it does not mean that I have chosen to bring one into my life!!! So consciously or not...I tend to pull away from friends once I get the baby news. This growing apart usually happens on it's own anyway because they are now obsessed with all things baby and I simply do not care about that lifestyle. So, at one time I may have had a lot in common with that friend....I simply do not anymore once they are pregnant/mommies. I have 2 friends right now whom I simply cannot stand to be on the phone with because the kid is always in the background screaming/demanding attention. UGH!! Who the hell wants to listen to that? I hardly ever talk to them anymore unless I know the kid is not around because I cannot take it.