BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Anyone here childless but not by choice?

I sure would like to connect with other women (married or not) who are unable to have children, like me. This is a life circumstance forced on me; it is not a choice to be childless. It would be excellent to find others in the same boat, who understand.

I looked over all the other posts quickly and did not see any from people who want children, but cannot. There's a huge difference.

Living childless in a child-filled world is tough. Any suggestions for support, friendship sources, social stuff? I tried the No Kidding group here in NY and sad to say it is too militantly 'I hate kids'. <img src="/images/graemlins/wall.gif" alt="" />

me! *waving hand*
we are unable to have children as well, and my husband is not open to adoption (i respect his feelings about this; after all, we were married for a few years before the thought of children even came up). i found bellaonline looking for some hobby stuff and found this forum. couldn't resist poking my head in here to see what it was about.

I suppose when you made the above statement you were speaking of yourself only as in [color:"red"] "[FOR ME]it is not a choice to be childless"[/color] Otherwise, I would be very offended. A person can go through infertility and then CHOOSE to be childfree. I struggled to get pregnant for over 2 1/2 years. For various reasons we decided not to pursue any medical treatment or adoption. We chose to live childfree and now that we have made peace with our decision, we are happier than we have ever been. Letting go of the "woe is me, I'm infertile" label and learning to embrace and appriciate the life we have was the best decision we ever made. I hope you find your way to peace as well.



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Living childless in a child-filled world is tough. Any suggestions for support, friendship sources, social stuff? I tried the No Kidding group here in NY and sad to say it is too militantly 'I hate kids'. <img src="/images/graemlins/wall.gif" alt="" /> [/quote]

I am fortunate enough to have ONE friend who does not have kids. We socialize alot. I really make an effort with my friends who do have kids, but it is difficult. Believe me, I wish I had a solution for you. I do suggest looking into your local RESOLVE chapter. Other infertile couples are likely your best bet.

I tried for 2 years to get pg. I "failed." It took me a long time to be happy with my life as it is. There were many late nights crying at 2am, but that is behind me. I love being childfree. I will agree that it is very hard to be childfree in a kid centered world. You often are greeted by other women with the words, "How many kids do you have?" When the answer is none you can recieve looks from pity to disgust.

However those looks don't bother me any more. although physically I can't have kids, I consider myself as childfree by choice. I chose not to adopt, not to do IVF ect, and I choose to be happy.

good luck
Jeanne

I'm about to hook my younger cousin living in Massachusetts up with this board soon. She's gone through 2.5 years of unsuccessful fertility treatments and is becoming very bitter over the whole kid thing. She's starting to lose friends and become not a nice person to be around. I suspect she will be childfree but not by choice. Her husband has been horrible through the whole thing. Has anyone out here been through a similar situation where they were extremely bitter then came to terms with it? How about the [censored] husbandly support? I am hoping she comes to terms with it before it's too late. There's a whole world just waiting for the childfree to come explore!

Childless1: All I can say is that being Childfree makes you a stronger person. In time, you will get the chance to discover yourself in so many other ways than just being a mother.

I am CF by choice, but I enjoy children now and then, depends on my mood I suppose. It's like appreciating something but not actually wanting it. I find myself extremely choosey over material things too. I do not want everything - just certain things.

You will learn things like this and it will bring more character than you ever imagined.

I *used to* consider myself "childless not by choice," now I consider myself childfree as I CHOSE not to have ICSI (IVF). DH & I chose not to adopt as well.

It took lots of some time, effort and support to find peace in all of this. I found that being with other women in my boat helped me on the journey to acceptance... and eventually... (dare I say it) gratefulness for who I am. I am a woman and I do not have kids. ( A rarity in our child-filled culture.) I found this unique type of support on a couple of web-sites (listed below). I ended up meeting some of these women in person also.

Anyhow, Childless1, I think it's great you are looking to find support & friendship with others who "get it." You are among a unique group --- you are right, it's tough to fit in with groups who are "militantly" against children. Though you may find comfort in having friends from those groups (people who also don't have kids), you may not find others who understand your feelings of loss & grief about not having children. It's definitely a grieving process. Peace in this issue doesn't happen overnight, but it CAN happen if you seek it!

Here are those support sites I mentioned for Childfree / childless women (not by choice).

www.lifecanbefull.com (The focus here is living life to the fullest.)

www.childlessnotbychoice.com (This site is Evangelical Christian in nature, but there's wonderful support if you can fit with their beliefs.)

The INCIID site (infertility) has some chat boards, here is one for exploring childfree (after infertility) http://www.inciid.org/forums/exploringchildfree/index.html

I found that my RESOLVE group was sorely lacking in support for those who "choose" to "resolve" their infertility by remaining childfree. It was excellent support, though, while we were figuring out what to do.

kidfreeluvnlife,
i was in the same situation as your cousin. i became very bitter about 5 years into our journey to have a family (tried about 8 years). when we finally stopped trying and decided to do something about my health (i have endometriosis, and birth control pills keep it from getting worse), i had a very tough transition to make. i'd been living the past 8 years of my life as an infertile person and science project. to suddenly stop all that was hard. it's been a year and a half almost, and i'm still struggling to get past it all. i think it will take your cousin some time to heal. then she can start living again. i'm just now getting to the living stage.

i found that groups like resolve and other infertility suppor groups often are a place of sadness. the other members inevitably get pregnant or continue to try. i still keep up with some of the members of my old group, but all of them have children now and can't fully understand how we could go on with childfree. it's not like this is a new thing for us. we've always been childfree.

i hope i didn't hijack this post. i apologize if i did.

So true. Better to focus on what we have rather than what we don't. There really are so many "gifts" in being C/F.

Like someone else mentioned earlier in this thread... I choose to be happy.