BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Spouse changed mind about having kids

I am feeling rather confused and scared. I have always felt that I did not want to have children. My husband always felt the same way until recently. He was recently diagnosed with a chronic disease, treated via surgery and now feels better than he has in years. He has been undergoing rapid and multiple changes lately......including changing his stance on parenthood.

It never works when you see one have a child "just to keep a man", so that is not a consideration of mine. We have both committed to counseling so we can iron out all of our feelings and ensure that they are real and not fleeting thoughts in any way. However, when all is said and done, I highly doubt I will change my mind. If he decides he is dead-set on having children, I guess he should have the opportunity to do so. I love my husband, and this is so overwhelming to me. I don't want to lose him, but I don't want either of us living in resentment for years to come either.

Any advice or similar situations out there?

although i'm not in a similar situation i do feel really bad for you. i'm glad you're going to counseling. i hope it really helps. have you asked him why he has changed his mind? maybe if you know the reason it will be easier to deal with. i know myself that before when i thought i would adopt a child it was simply b/c i was an only child and didn't want to disappoint my parents. when i realized that was the only reason i would ever want a child it helped me become a cfer. your husband(and you) have gone through quite a lot so try to hang in there for a while at least and maybe when things settle down for the two or you he'll remember why he didn't want kids in the first place. i can't imagine how tough it must be for you right now. know that we're all here for you and that you're not alone.
indigo

I am not in the exact same situation either, as I am the one who changed her mind (said I wanted kids then decided I really didn't)...but I can empathize with what you and your husband are going through. It's really really painful and scary...like you thought you knew where things were going, generally speaking, then something big like this comes along and you just don't know which end is up anymore. I think the counseling is a good idea, I think it can't hurt to have a third party hear what is going on. I agree with indigo2--you two have been through a lot recently, and sometimes when you have one big change you think you want to change a bunch of other stuff too...but given some time, you return to familiar patterns.

No matter what happens you should NOT have a child if you don't want it. You are right that you will live in resentment--not only with your husband but also with an innocent person who didn't even ask to be here in the first place.

Of course, your husband may be just as adamant about having children, in which case, saying goodbye might be the only option. I'm facing that with my husband right now, and he says he doesn't want a divorce, but no one knows what he will feel in a few years.

I am dealing with this by crying a good deal when I can (my way of getting things out) and also trying to be very gentle with my husband, because he is hurting too. It's a very raw situation and being short with each other won't make it any better.

Listen to your husband, go to the counseling, and keep talking to each other as you try to sort this out. But most importantly, be true to yourself. Don't let anyone talk you into something you're not sure about.

I hope it works out for the two of you--please keep in touch!

Hello ChildlessinCo

I'm so sorry for your situation, it sounds awful. I'm in a similar situation with my husband. He has always wanted children and I never have. That being said we were still silly enough to get married thinking the other would change their mind. Talk about young love eh? It's not until we really sat down and talked about it that we realised how serious the other was about sticking to their guns. I really hope that after some counselling your husband realises that his change of heart was due to the circumstances surrounding his illness and you are spared the agony of having to choose between the man you love and the child you don't want. How would he feel about it if you could not physically have children? Would he be understanding and still put the marriage first? I don't think that I'm the best person to give advice because of my own situation but I think by asking lots of questions it helps to sort things out in your own mind and I've found reading these forums so helpful. It makes all the difference to know that you're not alone. As for me, I'm still in a pickle but hope that if I wait long enough, the decision will be taken out of my hands. I know that sounds awful but it's the truth. I hope by the time push comes to shove it'll be too late for me anyway. Not the best course of action to take by any means but the best I can come up with at the moment. I'm always here to lend an ear anytime you want to talk about it. The people on this forum are really caring and understand what you're going through. Wishing you all the luck in the world. Chin up, it might all work itself out in time.
Warm wishes
Dugong

Is it possible that maybe your husband didn't want children because he was always feeling so [censored] and didn't want to deal with kids on top of that, but now that he's feeling better, it's more okay to him?

Of course, there's always the argument that depending on what he has, it may be genetic and if you have kids, the kid could end up with it, but then he might just suggest adoption.

I just wanted to offer my support. I'm sorry you are in this situation.