BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids confused & lost

Hello everyone. I have been a lurker on this message board for some time and finally decided to register today. As a child and teenager I never gave much thought to children and have always referred to potential children in the *if* sense rather than the *when* sense. Several times I have stated that I do not want children which resulted in a lecture or insults being thrown at me from the person I was speaking with. It was not until last year when I happened to stumble on the Brats rant board that I finally realized that I was not alone and actually have a choice about children. From Brats I found the LJ childfree community and many others and really felt at peace that other people like me existed in the world.

I was really cruising along and fine with my choice until I married my husband this past spring. My husband is also childfree and we had many discussions about this topic. My husband is in the military and we are stationed at a very small army base where I am the only spouse who does not have children. The women are terrible to me. My husband was sent on a six week deployment and he suggested that I attend a family readiness group (FRG) meeting prior to him leaving so that I could know some people in our area and find out some happenings on base. I went and once everyone found out that I do not have children they did not talk to me, except for the leader who asked me why I even came to the meeting. I guess if I do not have children I have no business wanting a mailing address to send my husband packages. I realize I really should not have let this incident upset me as much as it did, but it really just made me feel like I am totally not important to the world because I have not had a child. When he was deployed my car broke down and I called several people from FRG to see if someone could help me and nobody even returned my calls. I wound up walking the several miles home in the rain and then had my car towed and dealt with it later. It just kills me because I would have given a ride to any of these women or helped out in other ways if they needed help because that is just who I am. I just feel so isolated and not at all important right now and all because I do not have children.

I also have had the unfortunate event of having the majority of my friends either have a baby this year or just recently announce they are pregnant. All of the rest of my friends, minus one, plan on having children. I am really starting to feel like I am no longer fit in with any of them and even wonder if the friendship is even worth it.

At the same time, all of the new babies, pressure and constant questioning of my decision by everyone is really making it hard for me not to give up and just have a baby. I always thought I was stronger than this and could go against the grain of society, but I do not know why I am faltering right now. The feelings I am having right now are very out of charcter for me. I *know* I do not really want a child. I value my husband, freedom, food, sex, cats, toned body, beautiful home, and myself far too much to ruin it all with a child. I also prefer being by myself with only me and the cats to take care of when my husband deploys. I know I would not want to be stuck being a single parent while he is gone and in fact I am sure the resentment would kill our marriage and our marriage is far more important than a kid. I also realize that when I think of parenthood, I do not think in terms of reality, but Hallmark commercials. Sure, seeing little smiling faces on Christmas morning mght be nice, but the puking at 2Am...no thanks!

When I talk to my husband about this he often brings up the fact that certain people we know may go out of their way to make me feel bad because they regret their decision. He brings up amazing points about the money we are able to save and invest for retirement already, the great loft we will one day buy in Seattle, the travels we can go on and everything else. I know he is right, but for whatever reason I cannot just shake this cloud of bad feelings and confusion that is hanging over my head right now. Do not get me wrong, there is no way I would purposely have a child. I just want to feel like I am doing the right thing like I once did.

I just feel really alone and isolated right now. Sometimes I feel as if I am the only one who has feelings like this. I am sick and tired of being treated like I am a second class citizen because I do not have a kid. I am fed up with being told that I must not love my husband, do not have a real marriage or am a messed up person because we do not have nor do we want children. I am just tired of all of it.

I really wish I could say I know how you feel but alas I can't. I have no idea how hard it could be on an army base. I do know a few CF women who do live on them and hate it. The women tend to be very clicky and hate the idea of an army wife not producing children for their husband.

But I can offer a should to cry on and a hug to feel better. It can be very difficult to be "alone." To feel an outcast and that you're going against the tide. Coming to CF helps me a lot. I do have family support, but we don't have too many friends, and personally we like it that way. But I can't imagine dealing with wives every day and having them tell you you don't belong. Most of my co-workers just ignore the fact we don't have kids. It's better that way.

Is it possible to move off base? Find friends outside of the base? You may be surpirzed that there are a few CF people around outside the base. You just have to look.

Don't give in to the pressure if you know in your heart that you don't want kids. Keep your long term goals in mind, your plans with your husband. If you give in to pressure you don't want you, your husband and your child will have to pay the price. That isn't fair to any of you.

Check around online, there are lots of boards you can go to if you need friends to talk to. No kidding is a great one. They even have RL group meetings if there is one in your area, if you're into that kind of thing. They also have an online board.

Just remember you're not alone.

Pumpkin-

I am so sorry to hear about your bad experiences. Big hug!!!I can't imagine someone not being enough of a human being to not help you when your car broke down! Kids or no kids that's just wrong. I just look at that as common courtesy in a community and for no one to return your calls just infuriates me!!! What is wrong with people?

I too have gone through feeling as though I am the only one and it is no fun at all. I would highly recommend getting involved in some activities outside of the base. I don't know how big of a town you are in, but at the very least go and hang out at the local Starbucks with a book or take in a movie just to get away. Maybe treat yourself to some spa treatments :-)

Also- don't give up too quickly on some of these people...maybe I am naive, but I think they may be uncomfortable around you because you are a strong, successful, independent woman and since their identity is so firmly rooted in their kids they don't know what to say to you. That can be intimidating to new people. Think about how much diversity and fun you would bring to the group! If they can't value that then- oh well...just kill 'em with kindness and do your own thing. I understand not wanting to tolerate their [censored] behavior towards you just don't give up right away...Also I think I would explore the local community a little more- get involved with a social group that is more in line with your interests.

I know from reading your post that you are a valuable, loving person and while I might give them one more chance don't let them get to you. If their only value for themselves comes from having children- yikes- bummer for them and hooray for you...I think you are making the right choice for the right reasons. Be strong- you'll be fine and if you ever need to vent- log on here! :-)

one thing you need to consider--if your husband is happy CF then having a child might jeopardize your marriage! it is not just your decision--even if you have the last word! So in this case having a child just to fit in--sounds a tad selfish to me! <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I am not considering having a child to fit in or for any other reason. I am just feeling isolated and like I am the only one in my life, besides my husband, who is not having a child at times.

Thank you very much for your words of wisdom and advice. I feel much better after reading the responses here as well as looking at some other threads on this board. Thanks to a suggestion on here, I did find out that No Kidding does in fact have a group in my area and I am looking forward to hopefully checking it out. The past few days have really been tough for me, but thanks to this board I think I will very well be able to screw my head on right again and look around for some new activities in my area. Thank you again!

I definatly know what you're feeling right now! My husband is Airforce, and we live on an Airforce base, and I really havnt talked to many of the wives around here, because of the cliques and whatnot. I look at all the miserable parents here (lets face it, military isn't THAT great of money) struggling to take care of thier kids. The fat, out of shape, depressed moms that look at me and probably say "I wish I still looked like her".
Women can become quite mean when they are jealous, so please dont take it personally!
I don't know if they did this on purpose (prolly not) but all the women without kids, all 3 of us, are neighbors. But both the other women want kids.
I havn't really experienced some of the rudeness you have, but then again, I pretty much hang out with guys here, and keep to myself.
Keep your chin up! You are not alone, even if you feel like it.
If you ever want to have someone to talk to, like e-mail or something, I would love to give you my e-mail address=)
And remember, your husband is there for you! And his opinion should be the only one that counts.

I can't think of a worse situation to give in to peer pressure. Stay strong and true to yourself!

The witches may pressure you to have kids, but they don't have to raise them, right? It's a lot of jealousy. And I'm not stereotyping ALL military families, understand, but I have a lot of cousins in...and they say it, too. Many military wives marry young, before they get higher education. They are wives and mothers, by profession. On the downside, without an education, you can't really be anything else and make a decent living. So I can imagine how incredibly threatened these women would be by someone who is different. Does that make sense?

I would try to socialize away from the base. Maybe take classes at a local college or cooking or craft classes. There are also Childfree Meetups all over the country where you can meet other childfree people.

And if you like kids, but don't want your own, you can volunteer at the local elementary school, offer to read books at storytime at the children's library, become a coach or mentor, babysit...tons of stuff.

I think a childfree person who wants to work with children is worth their weight in gold, myself. (I say this in the full acknowledgement that I am NOT that person). It's not like American kids don't need all the help they can get!

Hey Pumpkin,

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. The older I get without kids, the more alienated from my own sex I feel. Luckily my husband is supportive and I have a strong stubborn will =). I recently joined my local No Kidding group and am going to my first outing this weekend! I will let you know how it goes. In the mean time, I hope you take good care of yourself. Go and get a massage or something! Take a pottery class.. something to fill time outside of the base. Sending hugs your way..

Kate

hey pumpkin--I put the smiley face after I said that about selfish to show I was being 'funny'--sarcastic---coz of some of the accusations we all get about being selfish! I understand the pressure. heck if you read my story you will see I have had my life threatened by crazy in laws over my choice to be CF!