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I'm looking for some advice or suggestions. I have been happily married for 4 years, except for the last few months, my husband and I both admit there is a problem. We can't seem to have any kind of a conversation without one of us being sarcastic, defensive and it turning into a fight. I have no idea how to fix it or how it got this way. Any advice?

Actually 4-5 yrs is a very typical "hump" that most marriages go through. You may recall the movie "The 7 Year Itch"? Well, these days it tends to happen a little sooner because people tend to date for so much longer.

Y'all have just hit that "plateau" where you both know pretty much about each other (or at least think you do). You've gotten over the starry-eyed puppy love phase, and into the "he leaves his socks lying around" annoying habits phase.

But trust me, there is still so much that you don't know about each other yet. Sarcasm is one of the most hurtful kinds of language you can use in a marriage. It not only tells the other person that you don't agree with them, but it tells them that you dont think they are worthy of intelligent conversation, either.

A really excellent book I would reccomend (but you have to get 2, one for you & one for him) is "The Five Love Languages". (And no, I'm not the author!) This book really teaches you how to listen to each other and express love to each other in the way that your partner is going to feel MOST appreciated.

If nothing else, just try not to be sarcastic, sooner or later your husband will notice. Don't point it out to him, don't start an argument, or try to show that you're better. Just don't be sarcastic. Eventually his brain will go "hey, she's not being mean, I'm the only one being a jerk here."
And hopefully things will start improving from there. But the books can help speed things along.

Well, schl, I suppose the obvious question is, 'What has happened in the last few months, to cause the problem you describe?'

I can't imagine you and your husband both woke up one morning, and BAM! were immediately defensive, and sarcastic with each other.

www.intouchwithjeannine.com

The most recent change is our son, but I don't see how having a 2nd child would cause us to become so off with each other. Last night was a big night at our house. My husband informed me he's completely unhappy with our marriage and the only thing he's happy with is our children. I asked what needed to change for him to be happy again, well after 3 hours and a lot of tears, he's decided it's him that needs to change. He wants our "old" lifestyle, ya know the one you have before kids, lots of partying, being on the go all the time, not a lot of responsibilites. I tried to explain nicely that, that lifestyle is gone, we have 2 beautiful children at home that need both of us. He agreed, but I don't know if this is the life he wants or not. He says it is but after everything that was said last night, I hate to say it, but I don't know if I believe him.

Sometimes the 2nd child set it off because its like, Oh its permanent and sealed. You're both so giddy over the 1st one (not to say either of you love the 2nd any less, but you know what to expect now- the swept up giddiness is gone)

It's still kind of easy to go out with just one child. Not too hard to get a babysitter with one, schedules are easier to work around just one. But it gets more complicated with two.

It sounds a little more serious than your 1st message let on. You guys might want to consider counseling, (or if you are church goers - talking to your pastor).

Often, it's quite a shock, when the realities of what having children really means, strikes one. A couple's life changes, after the arrival of children, it's just a fact. The couple moves into a transitional period, when they begin to evolve into a family, and that period can be a very difficult one.

I've known both men, and women, who have had a problem with that transition. It's rather disconcerting, realizing a great deal of the spontanaety in a realtionship has come to a crashing halt. Even if the two of you had rarely gone out, partied, it's more the realization that before the children, you two had the luxury of doing so, if you wished. I'm also sure your husband is finding it a sobering thought, considering the task you both have shouldered; that of raising two human beings.

I send you all good hopes that your husband gets through this maturing process. That's really what it's all about, being mature enough to accept the responsibilities before him now. But, regardless whether or not he comes through, I feel certain your babies have in you, a mama they can rely upon.

My best to you, schl.

www.intouchwithjeannine.com

Thank you for the advice and thoughts, here's more to my saga. Last night when my husband came home from work he asked if I felt better since we had talked the night before. I of course broke out into tears and said no, he asked why I was upset, I told him I was still in shock and hurt that I had to hear my husband tell me he's unhappy in our marrige. He then said he felt a lot better and he's not completely unhappy but still feels there's issues to work out. I agree we have communication issues to work out, which shouldn't be difficut, but now I am more confused then ever. So 2 nights ago he was completely unhappy and even talked about taking a "break", but now that we had a 3 hour talk he feels a lot better and isn't completely unhappy. I don't get it, I am more confused now then yesterday, is he happy or not????? I guess I really don't understand how the male mind works!

Well, schl, it's possible that merely by voicing his feelings, letting out what may have amounted to inner-fears, your husband does, indeed, feel much better now. A bit like we women, having a good, old-fashioned, stress-releasing, cry. By saying out loud what may have been on his mind for a good long while, by speaking the words, he may feel somewhat freed, from his anxieties. Perhaps, as well, hearing his own fears expressed, he may realize how little they are, compared to the thought of losing his family. Endeavor to keep the lines of communication open, with your husband, at all times. Then, perhaps, so much will not be allowed to build up, within him, until it becomes a stress-filled scene, when he does open up to you, resulting in hurt feelings, and uncertainty.

Do we ever really know a man? My dear, the only human being you will ever truly know, completely, is your 'self'.

My best to you, schl.

www.intouchwithjeannine.com