BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Why does it have to be so hard???

Well it's good to know that I am not the only woman in the world with this kind of problem. I am 41 years old and married for 9 years. I never had a strong wish to have kids and it was not a problem when we got married. We love each other and we always had a very good life together. But as time goes by this issue has becoming a problem in our life, because I really don't want to have kids, i love my life the way it is but he wants. Once he said to me that if I didn't decide to have kids he would find a way to have it.
Today we are conscious of each other position, but we avoid to talk about it because it's too painful and we also know that it could lead to divorce.
But we still have the option of counseling, as some of you suggested.
Anyway it's something that makes me suffer a lot. I see that he has the right to have kids but I can't have it only to keep our marriage. It's not easy to anyone of us.
So the question of this forum is really true: "WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE SO HARD???

Hi Lamadrama,

I wish I'd read your post ages ago but only just new to this forum stff and never saw your post to begin with. I'm a 30 year old woman and sounds like you and I are in the same boat. How's things going with hubby? Has he come around to your way of thinking? I hope it's all worked itself out now but always up for a good vent if not if you need someone to sympathise with. My husband has also told me that unless I change my mind about having a child, he will leave me. We've been together for 14 years and I'm really feeling the pressure. Especially when all my friends are getting pregnant and having babies I feel he is just waiting for the right time to break things off. Very stressful situation. I know what you're going through and am here any time you'd like a chat. Hang in there mate, we're supposed tobe enjoying the happiest years of our lives. I agree, why do things have to be so hard?

I'm a single guy, but all this talk about spouses changing minds makes me worried, too. What if I marry a woman who seems definitely CF, but changes her mind later?

Boy llamadrama, what a sad situation. Your husband sounds really selfish - sounds to me like a genuine breeder! Stick to your guns about not having a baby - it's YOUR CHOICE, YOUR LIFE, YOUR BODY. If he leaves, then it was not meant to be. And if he's that cavalier about leaving you if you DON'T want a baby, who's to say that after this baby arrives and he decides it's NOT what he wants AFTERALL, that he wouldn't change his mind and leave you? Then what? What if you decided you wanted a baby too, and then couldn't conceive for whatever reason? He'd take off if the problem was with your plumbing but if it were his plumbing, then you'd just HAVE to understand and not be so selfish. Stick with your decision to remain childfree. If he wants to leave then let him. If he does leave you to go spawn with some other woman, I hope he finds himself amongst the infertile male community!!!!!!!! LOL

Hi guys,
Thanks for the recent encouragement...I need it lol. Thinks are pretty much the same, we haven't had any more talks for about 6 weeks or so but I still can't help but think about the things he said before that were hurtful. I am sticking to my guns on this and not worrying about what the future holds because I know I will be okay no matter what happens...I feel like if he ends up not wanting to be with me because of this, then he's not the guy for me. After all, I want to be loved for who I am, not because I could possibly have children.

One thing I don't get is why people don't look at desire for children as a major criteria for finding Mr. or Mrs. Right. After all, we look for mates who match in so many ways. Whether or not one has children is something to consider, just like religion, their personality, and other stuff like that.

Hi rsmith,
I hope you don't find this question to personal for me to ask you but I too have been thinking about adoption as an alternative option as I don't want a child of my own and I have had people ask me why if I supposedly don't want my own child why I would consider raising someone elses. Have you though about why adoption appeals to you more than having your own? I've been over to south east Asia a few times and have seen so many children over there that are in desperate need of a family to love them but my husband isn't that keen on the idea of international adoption as he'd prefer to have his own child. I've just never had the urge to reproduce another me - one is more than enough! Hee hee. How does your husband feel about adoption? Adoption laws are extremely strict in Australia and due to the past problems I've had with depression it would be highly unlikely I would ever be granted permission to adopt anyway. I would have to go and apply for citizenship in another country, adopt a child, live away from home for a year whilst having to prove to my government that I did not take up foreign residency for that purpose before they would let me return to my country with a foreign child. It's very difficult. Whilst in Cambodia I was told that I cold pick up a child that very day and call it my own as therr were more orphans than people wanting to adopt over there. I saw westerners everywhere with Asian babies and wonder why it's so hard to adopt internationally from my country. Apparently it takes about 5 years and even then there is no guarantee. Have you looked into it over there? How hard is it?
I'm so happy for you that you have a husband that will stick by you no matter what. To me this is what I call a real marriage. One based on unconditional love. You love each other first and foremost come what may. I wish I'd have found someone like that. I find it so painful that my husband would choose the child he doens't even have yet over me and that makes me resent children even more.
Good luck and I'd like to hear how you get on with things. Keep in touch.
Best wishes
dugong

Hi Happy CF Guy
I think people generally do to a certain degree but then are blinded by love or the idea that love conquers all when in fact it doesn't. My cousin for example never wanted children but her husband desperately did but at the end of the day his love for her was stronger than his desire for children so he made a sacrifice for her. He doesn't resent her for it or hold any grudge against her for the way she feels. He loves her more today than when he married her 5 years ago. He loves children but plays with his neices and nephews to satisfy his paternal urge. I think it comes down to how much you love a person. Some people rate having children higher than the love for their spouse which I don't really understand not having the urge myself. I'm wrestling with the question at present actually - do I have the child I don't want keep the one I love? The thought of losing my husband is as painful as the thought of having a child. What if the woman of your dreams, that made you so happy and head over heels changed her mind and wanted to have your baby? Could you leave her? This has just happened to some friends of mine and he'd always sworn he'd never have children but faced with the prospect of losing his wife, caved in to her change of heart.

Hi Francesca,
I'm so sorry for your difficult situation - that sounds awful. I know what you mean about suffering, there isn't a day that goes by that this issue doesn't cross my mind and it really wears you down. That's why when I found this forum, such a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. Even though none of us can give you any answers, we're hear any time you need to talk. I hope you don't mind me asking but what if you physically could not have kids, what woudl your husband do then? I've asked my husband this question and he said that that's the way the cards fall and that he'd stay with me. So basically, if I physically can't have children, that's acceptable to him but because I mentally feel I can't, this is not. Any thoughts? I find this issue really difficult to live with. We too are avoiding talking about it at present but all of our friends are having children and I've got to a point where when I hear another friend is pregnant, I find it hard to be openly happy for them because it just feels like there is more pressure on me and I'm one baby closer to the end of my marriage.
My heart goes out to you and I hope it all works out. Keep in touch.
Dugong

Hi Happy CF Guy
If I was a guy and was 100% sure of my decision, I'd get the snip for sure and that way, the woman has to love you for you without the possibility of having children. I'd be up front about it when meeting a potential partner from the very start and it'd be a very quick way to weed through the ones that aren't the ones for you. Go the vas man!!! Plus if you do change your mind, it can be reversed.