BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Why does it have to be so hard???

I posted awhile back about how my DH wants kids, and I don't. I've thought about it a lot over the summer and I'm 99% sure that I don't want kids. We've been married for 3 years, together for 10. I'm almost 27 and he's 28.
This has been a huge issue between us for over a year. Each time we talk about it it gets worse and more heated. About a month ago he said things like "I don't know if we should stay married, I feel like I have to choose" and "I'd like to throw your birth control pills out & see what happens". That last thing he said really bothered me because it made me feel like he doesn't care how I feel about this whole thing, and the worst part is, it's MY BODY and I'm the one who would be doing most of the work, simply because I'm a woman. He doesn't understand that I've never had the desire to have kids, and he said he wishes I would've told him this before we got married. Well, I was 23 when we got married and I just assumed that eventually I'd get the urge to have kids. I haven't yet, and I really don't think I ever will. I have no idea what's going to happen, on one hand, I've pretty much accepted the fact that we very well may divorce over this issue, but it still hurts. I just had to get that off my chest...thanks for reading...

Hey Llama..sorry to hear about your ordeal.. sux that he's not taking your feelings into consideration.
It's such a huge decision to make .. have you ever asked him why he's so adament on having kids?

Hope everything works out well for you..

Sorry to hear about your disappointment with your husband. Sounds like you're a strong woman. Hang in there. Maybe marriage counseling would help you make the right decision on a divorce.

Good luck,
Patricia

Before you resign yourself to divorce, please consider counseling. You two got married for reason other than "we might, possibly want to have kids one day in the future". You fell in love for a reason, and those reasons are still there. They are just buried underneath this argument. And you are so VERY correct in saying that it is your body that would have to go through the pregnancy.

I almost died with my last child. This is a low, but very real, possibility, of pregnancy. OBs are not perfect, they do the best they can. You have to want a child to be willing to take the chances involved with pregnancy.

But don't throw away your marriage just yet, see if your husband will be willing to go to counseling.

Sometimes I wonder if he feels that way though. I honestly think that he will never be truly happy unless he has children. Being CF is just not an option with him and I refuse to be the cause of his misery and have him hate or resent me down the road, as he's stated that he probably will.

Wow. That's scary that he's thinking of throwing out your birth control. Sounds like an "oops" waiting to happen. *shudder*

I agree with the idea of counseling, if only for someone else to tell him that the above sentiment is NOT COOL.

I'm sorry you have to go through this. I have heard of a lot of people divorcing over the children issue. I think maybe you should look at other reasons you two got married like someone else said, or ask him if he wants children more then you. I know how hard this subject can be because when someone wants kids, it turns into a pretty big deal in their life's.

I wish the best of luck to you both. And if it so happens he rather have children then you (Lets hope it doesnt get to that) but if it does then it's probably for the best. You really dont want him pulling a "oops" and changing your life like that.

Bleh, no offense, but ur husband sounds like an [censored] hole. You already have one, u dont need another. If he cant respect ur desicion, and counselling doesnt help, you need to leave him. There are plenty of men out there that will make you happier, and you're still very young.
Please dont waiste your time with someone like that!

I don't know if I just don't want kids right now or at all, but my husband, too, really wants kids. It's a sensitive subject for us, too, I think because it's such a strong desire for many people. I don't have that strong desire...unless there's a psychological reason I'd be suppressing it, but I don't feel that strong desire and I don't understand it. His desire is so strong, he doesn't understand why mine isn't.

I've asked him a few times why he wants kids, as someone suggested in an earlier reply to Llamadrama. He can't give me an answer I understand and he gets frustrated by the question and the fact that I don't understand. I, too, was 23 when I got married and I thought kids were way down the road and I'd want them at some point. However, that desire hasn't come, so I wonder if it will or not.

Unlike the author of an article I read here, I'm very comfortable with kids. I love kids of all ages and I love seeing how their brains and personality just absorb everything. I've taught kids of all ages... Of course teaching is one of the most stressful activities, so that could have affected my desire to have kids, but I still like and love them...I just don't know if I need/want my own. Sometimes I wonder if I babysat so much growing up the novelty wore off!

I often joke about our life ending if we have kids b/c once people have kids the parents' goals in life take a backseat to their kids, which is understandable b/c of course you want parents to give their kids the best opportunities and not to neglect their kids.

Anyway, my main idea is getting lost. My husband is wonderful, but we mostly avoid deep conversations about desire for kids because it seems it's too painful for him to communicate clearly (and he's the communicator of us, not me- I usually bottle up and he makes us talk!). We spoke about having kids before we got married, and he brings that up because that was part of his expectations.

I keep thinking about adoption, since there's so many kids that already exist that don't have a family, and of course you don't have the pregnancy issue to worry about...but I realize some on this forum may not have that desire...that's just me.

I feel bad b/c my best friend wants kids and is having problems, and I can't sympathize effectively b/c I don't understand it!

My husband and I will work through our differences. Leaving or divorce isn't an option.

(big hug to Llamadrama) I know how you feel. My hubby wants kids and I DEFINITELY don't...a lot of times I worry he will one day decide he wants kids more than me.
I would hide your birth control pills if I were you....do you watch Desperate Housewives? The scene where Carlos tampers with Gabby's BC pills made my blood run cold.