BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Please send me advice?

My husband and I are having problems and I would love to hear any advice.
Married for 5 years in October and together for 6.5 my husband and I were perfect we never left one anothers side, he would glance at me with a look of awe and happiness we rode horses together traveled together shared dreams and talked with deep emotion.
Within so what Im told a co-dependant lifestyle because of abuse inflicted upon me during my childhood, I quit a 10 year nursing career and turned down offers to move on with my nursing education to follow a dream of my husbands. I invested my lifes inheritance into his dream which at one time I thought was mine, until he decided what we have accomplished together is not enough but he went into deep debt to further his dream. Now, to keep the household stable I have went into Real Estate making a good income keeping our family above water but he wants more and more even accusing me of not wanting what he wants anymore because I dont want to "sink" anymore money into it. His mother and father always gave him what he wants, and still do. We live together on a farm his mother and father owns and I pay the house payments for a home he owns with his ex-wife & I will nor my children will never be an heir to. Every since my Real Estate Career took off he is distant, avoiding me by going to sleep right after dinner and leaving for his daily "fun" adventures before I wake. He talks behind my back to his friend who says he feels sorry for me and said that he knew I was having an affair which Im not. My heart breaks every day. It hurts so bad. I am very pretty and "fit" alot of people comment on how pretty and thin I am but he seems to not be attracted to me anymore. He talks about "Fake Boobs" ALL the time and says mine are too small.
I just want to know WHat have I done to turn my husband away? I cook supper every day...wash his clothes and cancel appointments to make time to be with him.
Im yet to see a birthday, christmas, anneversary or any present from him that his mother didnt buy which wouldnt matter what the cost to me as long as he picked it out even if it were from a salvage yard for free. I feel so disregaurded, I expressed to him how I felt and told him I would move out if he didnt want to be with me, he got upset and cried when we had this conversation saying he couldnt believe it had come to this, he doesnt want me to leave...but he's been avoiding me even more since the conversation.
What do I do? How can I catch the glimmer in his eye again?

From someone who has already been through one divorce... you guys need some professional counseling. You have GOT to start talking. Something is going on in his life. I would be willing to bet (no pun intended) an addiction to gambling and/or porn (given his comments about breast enlargement). His wanting more and more monetary items is what makes me think gambling. People that have addictions usually stop communicating, also people that are having affairs (the fact that he is accusing you of having one - people are most suspicious of somethings they are guilty of).

I am NOT saying he is doing all of these things. I am just saying there is a good likelihood that at least one of them is on his conscience, and he is afraid to talk to you, because he is afraid you will see the truth. He obviously still wants to be with you or he would not have gotten upset, but it is hard to let go of an addiction, and sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom.

Try to get him to go to marriage counseling. The two of you need that in the very least. If at first he won't go with you, go by yourself. But at some point you are probaly going to need to set a line and say "this is what you have to do to stay in this marriage." That is where your counselor comes in. But marriage takes two people. You cannot make it work by yourself, and you shouldn't break your heart trying to.

Thank you Michelle,
I will check on area councilers tomorrow. He didnt come home tonight, he stayed with a friend but called me thinking he could patch it up over the phone....Im just sooo distrought right now, I wish I had all the answers.

Michelle:
I feel the pain you must be having now. Please, run to counselor to a counselor ASAP. There are huge issues involved here, money, power, control, and no mention of comunication which is vital in a marriage.
Michelle, ask yourself reason why you put up with this [censored]. You live with his parents yet his ex wife & kids have a nice home? What's wrong with this picture, you gave up a great career to advance his, & think how he's treating you now.
Michelle, you're special, loving, caring & you deserve the best!!!
It has been said that marriage is like the tango, why?
because every so often someone has to bend ovr backwards to please the other mate.
Hoping for the best, & remember a woman w/o a husbandis a like a fish w/o a bycicle.
Keep me posted

Gordita

Thank You Gordita for you advice, He did come home and was crying wanting to work things out. He says he cant help being a jerk and he doesnt want me to leave.

counseling...honesty...12 step program probably needed like Al Anon.

Whats Al Anon..Alcoholics Anonymous?? We're not alcoholics??

Al-anon is actually a support group for the familyof someone going through ANY 12 step program - whether it be for alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex, or even emotions.

I myself attend a 12 step program called Emotions Anonymous because I suffer from severe depression. It helps me to take control (or "ownership") for some of the things that I do or feel - the ones that ARE in my control, and then accept that some things are part of the disease of depression. It also gives me a sense of comraderie - it was so neat the first time I went becasue all of a sudden I wasn't alone, and people knew EXACTLY how I felt!

I don't think the other poster was saying you were an alcoholic, but your husband does seem to be hiding SOMETHING, and that something is often times an addiction. Al-anon would be a group for you to go and get some strength and compassion CLOSE-UP to help you deal with all thats been going on in your life.

lily here.........

I agree with Michelle and all of above -

Do you know about Retrouvaille or any Marriage Encounter type programs.............?

Counselor seems critical at this point - and as soon as possible.........all of the other programs including what I am suggesting - would come later - you need help now as does he - and if he is willing to go to counseling - better do it quick and get going with communciation - but not with out that third person (counselor) otherwise you will push each others buttons and big time aruguments etc.........unfortunately it seems to have gone to far.

I also agree strongly with Michelle here - I don't think it's so much a matter of you falling out of graces as far as he is concerned - It's a matter of what he is caught up in........and he is caught up.

God Bless

lily

For the past week, he has been back to his same ol self. He doesnt think we need counciling and feels offended that I think we are in trouble. He says he loves me and cant see living his life without me. I really dont think he's hiding anything other than trying to cover the fact that he's "spoiled" by his parents still even at the age of 36. We dont live With his parents just on the same 100 acres. He has a self-centered problem that was Im sure given to him by his parents catering to his every whim, I accept that and knew how he was before we got married. We love each other, and honestly I couldnt imagine life without him. I would like to get counciling but I dont want to offend him.
Thanks for all the advice;