BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Would like to join the group........

I apologize in advance if this gets long.....
I am 33 and have been married for 12 years. My husband and I never talked about having kids before or after we were married (crazy I know). I didn't really want them, but I figured I would change my mind when I got older.
In 2001 I became pregnant (unplanned of course) and lost it shortly after. I was devastated (I'm sure you are questioning why I am here at this point). I wanted to start trying soon after but my husband told me to make sure that was what I really wanted because he knew how I had felt before the miscarriage. After 2 years of soul searching I decided I was ready.
We began trying in 2003 and by the Spring of 2004, nothing had happened so we began treatments. Thousands of dollars later I decided I needed a break (I was on an emotional rollercoaster). Two doctors told us we were fine and it would happen in time. I decided I couldn't take the heart break month after month and we stopped all treatments. I started seeing a nutrionist to try and get my energy levels back up and get my body back on track. In a month I was feeling like my old self again, I hadn't been that happy in years!!
I have done a lot of reading on CF living, after praying long and hard about it (for almost a year now) we see now that this is the life style for us. I feel our decision is completely by choice (we were never told we couldn't have children). We love to travel, go out to dinner on a regular basis, spend time with family and friends, spoil our 3 dogs rotten and just spending time alone. I don't feel we are being selfish (although a lot of people would disagree). I know now that me wanting a child was only because I thought it was the right thing to do. It has never been what WE wanted, just what we thought everyone else wanted us to do.

There's nothing wrong with being a parent, but if you have thought carefully about what's the best choice for you, then I'm happy for you. <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Welcome. I know it is a big decision to have kids or not have them, but it looks like you really thought it through. There is a lot of pro's on being child-free and you will realize a lot of them here.

Hi! I'm glad you have joined this board - we are an interesting bunch if nothing else. However, I was troubled by the above quote. How can you really say this if you had tried in the past - and tried somewhat desperately it sounds - to have children? It sounds more like choice by default.

I am happy for you that you have accepted where you landed and are happy and healthy. Goodness knows that many couples that go through what you did seem like they could never, never be happy without having children. Your health and happiness are most importnat and I am sure it hasn't been an easy road. But surely at some point you REALLY felt like you wanted kids, or else why would you have gone through all the doctors, treatments, etc. You went through all that just because you felt society said you should?

I wish you well and welcome you here ... please just be sure you are being honest with yourself on this one or it may be problematic down the road for you.

I say thank goodness you decided kids weren't for you when you weren't faced with having one...that would be a lot worse.

We have a friend who told us a about her friend. This woman got pregnant and had baby -- not enthusiastic all the way through. Her mom came to help with the newborn. When she got ready to leave, friend freaked out, saying "who's going to hold the baby and take care of it?!?!?"

You are. Forever.

Clue lapse into depression, anger, and bitterness.

In addition to my other excellent reasons, knowing that I would be that person keeps me CF. Thanks Goddess!

Hi,
I know your post is from last year, so I hope you get this e mail.

I can't believe how much your experience reminds me of myself in some ways, but it was just the opposite in the fact that I wanted to become pregnant and after 4 years of trying I did, I was elated for the first 48 hours, but then it sunk in that my life would totally change and this is something my husaband didn't even really want, (he went along with it for me.) I had a miscarrige after only a couple of weeks and I had never felt so relieved. So I decided that was it and never tried again. Can you imagine the guilt I felt about feeling relieved. It was difficult because I felt alone, I never knew anyone who had been through what I went through. I kept looking at other women and thinking there must be something wrong with me because of how I felt, I must be less of a women or something. This nanged at me for years until I found out on line it was not unusual to have anxiety and depression with a pregnancy, even my OBGYN made me feel I was alone in my feelings. BellaOnline has been a blessing.

Take care

Geri, I'd be finding another doctor if I was you.

ThisIsMyLife, welcome, I hope you find the life path that is right for you.

Don't EVER do something that is not right for you.

What is right for one person, isn't right for another. (Hence my quote below!) Take care. <img src="/images/graemlins/fish.gif" alt="" />

Hi Waterlily,

Thanks for the reply, This happened to me 12 years ago, I'm 46 now, a little too old to want to have babies. I like my life now, but stil don't like other peoples comments
on the subject of me not having children. I don't like when people use their kids as trophies.

Geri

[color:"blue"] Hi Geri. I don't like other people comments, either. I also don't like seeing people just use their kids as either a tool to trap a man or have someone else care for it. It's almost like I would love to tell them, You created it, YOU RAISE IT! duh. [/color] <img src="/images/graemlins/fish.gif" alt="" />

I'm new to to the group and am so happy to have found this site! Ever since I was 15, I knew that I didn't want kids, but every time I ever told anyone that, I was told I'd change my mind. I'm 33 now, and still don't want any. I went through a rough period where a lot of my friends were having babies. Also, I'm an only child, so there was a period where I was getting some guilt from family and friends of my parents even, telling me my parents would be disappointed if I didn't have one. During all this turmoil, I went through a period of self-doubt about my choice, but then I realized that I only thought I wanted kids because of the pressure and the reality that I was losing my friends. I lost one friend alltogether, but I realize now that the friendship wasn't worth it anyway.

Sorry to ramble. It's just nice to meet other people out there like me!