BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Childfree After Infertility...An Introduction

Hello All!

I have been lurking around this board for weeks and have really enjoyed it. I am happily married with two adorable dogs that get spoiled beyond measure. I am 28 years old and hubby is 28 as well. We have been struggling with infertility for almost 3 years. Years ago I had an unplanned but very desired pregnancy which sadly turned out to be tubal. The surgery to remove the fetus damaged my tube and caused scar tissue throughout my uterus which is the cause of our inability to conceive. The doctors recommended IVF as our best chance, however, we have not had any "fertility treatments" due their expense not being covered by our insurance. We live in Tennessee, by the way. We are not poor, but $20,000 for treatments is well beyond our means. We have two options at this point:

1)Spend a few years scrimping and saving to pay the high cost of fertility treatment or adoption. Yes, I consider adoption high cost because the only way to do it inexpensively is to adopt an older child. The cost to adopt an infant either domestically or internationally is as much, if not more expensive in some cases than IVF. My husband and I don't feel we are cut out for beginning parenting in the middle of our child's life. We love babies and toddlers and cannot imagine missing out on that part of our child's life. That may be selfish of us, but at least we are being honest with ourselves.

2) Put aside the dream of parenthood and embrace the child-free lifestyle. Most child-free sites I've scrounged up on the net have not touched on the topic of being child-free after infertility. I also have not noticed anyone on this list in that situation. If there is anyone out there, I'd love to hear about your experience.

After many, many talks and doing tons of reading on the subject, my husband and I are leaning heavily toward making the choice to live child-free. Most of the literature that I've been reading has advised couples in my situation to resume birth control order to affirm the child-free decision and stop the monthly roller-coaster ride of hope and disappointment I suppose I feel that I won't be "officially" child-free until I take that step.

I hope I'm still welcome here even though I'm coming at the whole child-free thing from a radically different angle than most of you, or so it seems. You folks and your opinions are so very refreshing. I am proudly southern through and through, but living in the heart of the south, it's looked upon as VERY STRANGE to even consider not doing EVERYTHING possible to have a child. And don't even get me started on my mother in law!

Lisa

Oh Lisa, you are in the right place for the MIL talk! We have got some stories on that! I am sorry to hear of your fertility issues but I hope we can show you that there is life after infertility. Hope all works out for you and welcome to CHILDFREE!!

Kate

Hey Kate

I've read alot on this board about people being desparate to have a biological child for the genes, family line and other such nonsense. I think that is a bunch of hooey! We wanted to have a child biologically because I looked forward to the pregnancy and because the cost of adopting an infant is absurdly high. My MIL has been aware of our fertility issues from the start. She has been generally supportive, but nevertheless makes comments about how important blood family is and how there is just nothing like it. My husband's Dad is his stepfather. When discussing the problems they have and the favoritsm he shows towards my SIL (HIS child) she says it's understandable because it's just different when it's your blood. WTF?? I hate that attitude. So it just looms at me...well what if we adopt? Are the bio grandkids from my SIL always gonna be more important and more loved simply due to their genetics? I recently broached the subject of childfree living with her and she kinda froze, staring at me for a minute then said "well, that's fine...you can always try again later" and then changed the subject. I just gave up then and vented later to hubby.

My MIL used to pull the "waiting for a Grandbaby" line on us. She was genuinely angry when my hubby decided to get a vasectomy. It is crazy the things we are subjected to for making a choice for OUR lives. You would think we were out there murdering people. It has abated a little (it has been over a year now) but just about 3 weeks ago we were out to dinner with the in laws and my Hubby mentioned that he had to go to a scrotal ultrasound for some post vasectomy pain (it should stop after a year but he still has it) and my MIL piped in with, "well that is what you get for messing with nature." It took everything I had to not tell her to shove it. I love her but sometimes she infuriates me.

I am really sorry to hear that you have family that is so focused on "bloodlines". It is not like we are Royalty or anything. It is a form of discrimination if you ask me.

My feelings exactly!! <img src="/images/graemlins/wall.gif" alt="" />

Welcome to the boards...

My In Law's are all about blood lines too because they are Indian and want to keep some of that in their grandchildren (I am not Indian and my husband isnt even half Indian, he's only a very little bit..If my FIL wanted to keep Indian blood so bad why did he marry a non-Indian??)

I can undersatnd them, But sometimes it can be stressfull, especially if you are Child-Free. Luckily they have several other Grandchildren so they are not on my back much.

But I also understand the feeling of wanting your own biological child too. And Adoption is so high of a cost. But for me I dont want to have a child nor adopt. And it works for me and my Husband great. Hope it does for you too!

Welcome to the board. I go to another board where three or so members are childfree after dealing with infertility. You just have to be open with you SO and really talk about all your feelings. Read up on dealing with infertitily and on being CF and talk to each other about what you want your life to become. A few years ago DH and I were fencesitters and sat down for months and talked about. We talked about our goals (to further our education) job goals (to only work part time) free time (to be able to pursue our hobbies more) to even sleeping in on weekends. We talked about the emotional responsibilities of raising a child. How every thing in our lives would be upheaved. We looked at other young couples who have kids and see how drained they were and how stressful having an infant was for them. Some didn't make it. Some barely scraped by. Not one seemed even 90% happy and no one was happier then before having the kid. Sure it was good, but not better.

Good luck with your choices. Just remember to talk a lot about. Even give it a month of thinking then revisit it together.

Not having kids isn't the end of the world. It's just a different path. But once you make that choice be proud to be CF. Don't fret over not being able to have kids. That's the hard part, to come to that choice and learn to embrace it.