BellaOnline Forums Relationships Relationships IS this an affair?

I had been living with a man for almost five years. About a year ago he started calling the woman a "friend". She is married to one of his classmates.

At first I didn't think much of it then I noticed that everyday after he was done with work he stopped by her place of employment. She is a cook at a take out/store. I started to notice that he was less and less available to talk with me; be home when he said he would and just plan not want to spend time with me.

When I confronted him after checking his phone bill about just how long his conversations were with her and how frequent..even 3:30am of 6am, he told me "it was nothing!"
"Shes married"..."we aren't doing anything" were his constant comebacks of defense.

I had finally had it and told him to come home after seeing him at her place of work. I told him that this relationship with her is not nothing. It is something because it is coming between us. I asked him to not call her and tell her not to call him. He said he would. Lo and behold not five minutes after leaving me did he call her (I checked the phone bill) and their calls became more frequent.

Anyhow to make a long story short. I feel that they have been having an emotional relationship. I told him this and said I was not willing to continue living with him if he continued to call her. So he moved out. I called the woman and told her that "their relationship" is something now. It brought my relationship with the same man to an end. She said "thats silly...it is nothing". I then asked her IF her hubby found out just how often, what times of the day and night and for how long they talked, would he think it was nothing? She had nothing to say.

Our relationship changed because of this. Was I too hasty to take the reins in my hands and force the issue and bring this to an end?

I once loved this man dearly and I thought he loved me but now all this is changed at least on my side. That love got tarnished by lies and cheating so I do think this was an affair.

I would be interested to know what others have experienced along this line. I suppose I am slightly in doubt about my decision.

HE already tried to come back once. But I sent him on his way.

mahalo,
scharbear

After reading this my gut instinct tells me that he was having an affair one way or other. If they were just friends he should've been more relaxed about it and tried to involve you and her husband in this time together. Instead they were both hiding the fact and being secretive. He knew it was making you feel worried and yet he continued to see her/talk to her. Have you asked why he did this?
All this points to it being more than just "nothing". You weren't wrong to kick him out when you did.
I've had an experience where my ex-boyfriend behaved sneakily behind my back and it's similar to your story. It turns out he was having a serious relationship with another woman, using me for his own selfish needs.
I could be wrong in my answer. I dont really know what he's like as a person but you lived with him for 5 years and you knew something was fishy. If I were you, I would try to relive independance and move on. If you took him back again, who knows, he may do the same thing again.

An affair doesn't have to be consummated to exist. It's a betrayal of your trust and alienation of affection. Of course, if it were to end completely, and if you found you still loved him, and if he were very, very repentant, you might want to give him another go. That is entirely up to you.

I am sorry but to me it sounds like he was having an affair. Why would he puts your needs on the backburner just to talk to a classmate's wife. You tried to talk to him and he didn't listen. Sometimes it seems they realize what they have done when it is to late. Once that trust is broken it is very hard to get it back. I feel you did the right thing cause if you let that continue then he would never stop. Sometimes we have to make choices even though it really hurts us bad. I wish you luck in whatever you decide to do.

Yup, at least sounds like emotional infidelity to me. It happened to me too. And, IMO, it is every bit as much of an affair as a physical one is.

[color:"purple"]sounds like an affair to me. it's always best to go with your gut; you did the best thing you could do under the circumstances. if it really was 'nothing' then pushing the issue would have made that clear - as it is, it seems to have been something to be worried about

if you don't have trust, you don't have anything. beating yourself up accomplishes nothing! you have to look out for yourself!!.[/color]

The same exact thing happened to me, except I chose to ignore it, didn't do anything about it and it still is happening to me, but now it's only worse. I pray every single day that God will give me the stregnth like you had and tell him to kick rocks. If you let him back I can almost guarantee he WILL do it again. Don't even second guess what you did was the wrong thing that is the best thing in the world for you to do. Because you are so much better than that to give your love to someone and they are giving their's to someone else. Listen to me, if I could only take my own advice. Please don't end up like me, don't let him back you will be much happier if you don't. Just remember even though it feels like your going to die when your heart is broke my mom always said nobody ever has and the only thing that will cure it is time!!!!