BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Aunt Emotional w/No kids

Right Now I am in a situation where I am married but dont know if I want children or not. I have signed up here and at a "family" forum to get information about both. But one thing that gets me is my aunt is now hitting menopause and she has no children.
She went through her life traveling and having A Career but right now she is very depressed about not having children. She said it was the worst decision she ever made, even though it felt right before. She cries to me how she will never have grandchildren, and never see her kids marry, and she doesnt have any kids giving her those "Happy Mothers Day" phone calls. And when she is old and in the hospital she wont die with Kids and Grandkids and GreatGrandkids around her. And she wont have family memorys. She says now that she is older she gets that family is more important then Career or travel and etc etc...


It scares me that I will feel that way when I am older even if I dont want kids now. The way she is so depressed about it now and the way she was so sure about her decision before is something very scary to me. What if when I am younger I decide not to have children and then when I am older I regret it like she is. Are any of you scared you will regret your decision when your older?

I think, too, that for us CF'ers, that friends are very important - especially the older we get. And the nice thing about friends is, you get to CHOOSE them!

I think my aunt has been emotional because of Menopause for one, and Me and my siblings are very close to my mother. She is always saying we are the best thing that ever happened to her. And now we are getting to the age where we can have kids, My brother and sister both already have kids so maybe my Mom being so close to us and also getting Grandbabies is making her emotional. When we are at family party's and someone says "get a picture with grandma" or something to the kids my aunt always leaves the room.

So not only is it hard on me to decide if I want kids, but I also feel for her a lot. but I grew up with a good childhood and a lot of friends around me that have kids are really happy about it. I hear a lot of "It put damage in their marriage" on this forum a lot, But I dont see much damage in my friends who had kids on purpose (Now my other friends who had them on accident is a whole other story)

I just am confused. On my decision, and it seems that the "children" issue has been in my face recently.

I feel sad for your aunt, but has she stopped to think about all the wonderful things she perhaps did accomplish in her life (i.e. things she did and people she met, etc etc... that she would never have gotten to do if she had had children)? I like to try to think of what I do have whether it is love vs money, etc., rather than what I do not have (glass half full so to speak). Also, it looks like she has some great neices and other relatives who care about her a lot, so maybe remind her of this and that she should feel happy to have you in her life. I have volunteered at Nursing Homes and many people there have children who maybe come visit once a week or once a month, or less. Having children does not guarantee that they will be there for you in old age or that you should have them b/c of this. I have seen elderly folks die all alone with only nurses and nursing home staff around. There are no guarantees.

Hope this helps.

CF Woman in Boston

there are two useless emotions:
Regret/Guilt
and
Worry.
One is for the Past that cannot be changed and one is for the Future that can only be changed in the Present IF one lives in the Present and not the Future!

Actually bringing up things she did accomplish in the past sounds like a good idea. It may take her out of this depression she is in, at least a little.

Oh my gosh B2B..I got really dissapointed when I read you seen several old people die alone who had family! When your old your children are what in their 50's or 60's, you would think most are mature enough to be there when their parents go. In my family when my Great-Grandmother died she had all her children, her grandchildren and Greatgrandchildren sitting with her around the clock! I think that being with the elderly family members is in all of our genes or something, because even the people who lived out of state still pool in the money to be there when a loved one is sick.

I cant believe there are people out there who dont do that! I guess some people are just not as close to their family as what I grew up as. I know if I ever have kids I am going to be extra close to them. Even now not having kids I am close to my siblings kids. I mean even CF people know the importance of family.

Alright, now this turned into a rampage, but thinking about old people not being taken care of by their loved one's is something I have not seen a lot of. Everyone around me basicaly is there for the elder's in their life's, So thinking of some not having that makes me sick.

I am going through my mother being very sick right now and how to help her. I grew up American-Mexican and so have two school of thoughts on "family". My American side grew up with barely any children. In fact I am a twin and we're the only kids on my father's side. My father passed away two years ago with his immediate family at his side. But I was never very close to my father. My father was never very close to us as a family either. My husband's family is not all that close either.
My mother on the other hand is quite needy and helpless. Life is tough. Has anyone seen March of the Penguins? It's a beautiful tough movie about nature.


So about these old folks passing away with no one but the nursing home staff - we really don't know what their families were like growing up. Everyone is different. For those families that are tight-knit, I guess I can understand their shock at how other people age. I feel dying is a personal thing. And I refuse to expect any family of mine to dote on my every dying need. Being alone is not the worst thing in the world. Being our own best friend is the best thing in the world.

About the aunt who feels like not having children is the worst thing that happened to her, I feel sorry for her. Perhaps she should see a therapist or get some reassurance that she is doing just fine. She should know that we all have choices in our lives. Maybe she can volunteer at a local school or just simply stay close to her nieces and nephews - or who knows, I've heard of menopausal empty-nest divorced women go adopt, go figure.

To each his own.

I totally agree with what b2b30 wrote. PLUS, tell your aunt to think about the fact that if she had kids, they may have ended up to be total disappointments to her. They could have been criminals, wife-beaters, child molesters, or worse. They could have just been rotten little juvenille delinquents, living at home until they are 40. Think of all the years of bullshit she would have had to endure. Paying legal fees and supporting them financially into adulthood. My ex-SIL is going through that right now with her first born "bundle of joy." Having kids is a TOTAL roll of the dice and a big gamble. Painting a mental rosy picture of how glamorous and "Beaver Cleaver-like" motherhood is, is just plain silly. It often - more times than not - turns out to be something that couples say they would not do over again if they had the chance.