BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Is it just me ?

Hello, I am new here and would like to appologize for begging for advice at the front door...It is early in the morning and I have to start getting ready for work soon and I am so upset with my husband right now that I could just walk out the door and not come back. Tonite my husband suggested that I have an affair, because, he has no sex drive what so ever and does not have any desire for that sort of intimacy with anyone.
Now a little back ground. Aside from occasional porn - which I know he watches and says is no big deal to him (just something he does when he is bored ~whatever~) I know he is not screwing around. I also, have no doubt that he loves me - as he shows it every day in every way - except he has no sex drive and we, as a couple, as a result very seldomly have any sexual intimate contact. I am not like him - never have been and even now when I am near exhaustion still crave intimacy and sexually contact. This has been going on for several years - we have sought counseling for other issues(which have been resolved) however, this issue has never been resolved and he has shown no desire to even work on it. We both have very busy lives and as a result I get little chance to get a full nights sleep - this has often been his excuse(s). Of course, the nightmares that I have due to the insecurity over this issue - don't really play into his logic. He also, doesn't understand why I resent the porn collection that he has going - because, 'it's just something that he does occasionally when he gets bored'......personally, I wouldn't give a damn if he watched it all day long - if he actually wanted to pay attention to my needs once in a while. I have even toyed with the idea that he is addicted to the garbage - but, even if this is the case.....is it worth destroying your marriage over? Is it really worth hurting the person you love? Guess I don't have the ability to understand something like this. I have forsaken my natural tendencies and drive for many years to patronize his lack in this department. So tonite the subject came up again .....and this time he made a suggestion that perhaps I should have an affair to satisfy my needs. !!!! In my book that is about the same as him giving his wedding band away. I am going to contact the counselor again tommorow because, I am about as torn up about this as I have ever been right now. Anyway, Thank you in advance for reading all this and any ideas that you might have.

Rapunzel,

Loss of desire is more often a syndrome suffered by women and complained about by men, but it does happen in the reverse. Reasons can be both physical or psychological and both need to be investigated if the issue is to be resolved. At the same time, a person who doesn't want to address an issue can't be forced to, or it's just going to add more personal conflict on top of an already uncomfortable situation.

You say you are seeing a counselor, so I suggest that you bring this issue up with them as soon as you can. Having an affair is only going to add to the stress and division that already exists between you and your husband, even if your husband gives his blessing for you to do so.

Thank you for your input, Rae. I would never have an affair and expect to stay in this marriage. In fact if it came to that - I would probably leave him because, I would not be able to live with knowing I betrayed our vows that way. I will also, not force him to go to counseling to deal with his intimacy issues.....although he has said that he would seek help for this. My stance is to wait and see on that one. In retrospect - he does have a very hard time with close relationships....in fact we both do. He has formed no close friendships in the time that we have been together - and to my knowledge has never done so. He has 'buddies'....which he will very occasionally have over or go out and have a beer with. I am the only person that I know of that he confides in or will go out of his way to be with. I tend to form close friendships - but tend to rarely engage in social activities other that those involving our youngest child(our oldest of the two - is of adult age, in the military and in another country). I tend to form 'like' relationships with people - so I also, realize that I was probably attracted (initially) to what I now have a problem with. Ironically, it was him who intiated and persued intimacy in the early stages of our relationship. I could have accepted and worked through this issue we both have - if he hadn't made that comment. It did more than infuriate me - it shut me down. I doubt that he meant it the way it came out - but, given the issue at hand it was about the worse thing he could have ever said.

In my experiences, the key trick to working on just about any "couples" problems is to keep the lines of communication open. As long as those are open and both parties are willing to try, you've got a great chance at working through whatever is happening.

I have arranged for us to continue with our counseling sessions...which seem to work for us when it comes to resolving issues within our relationship. After a conversation with him today - he claims that this would be his first choice in resolving this barrier that we have. I am still angry with him - but given that, my desire for intimacy with him(at this point in time) is greatly decreased as a result. I do not ever expect him to understand why this suggestion was such an affront and that part really saddens me - but I did tell him today that if I ever did resort to an affair, it would be over between us...that this was something I could not and would not do.

On a different subject - I noticed that you from San Francisco ......We are from the Bay Area, ourselves; although now living in the mid west (major culture shock) I miss it a great deal sometimes.

Do you think that could be an excuse for him to leave you, if you had the affair?

No - Because, if I resorted to that I would be the one walking out the door..... If either of us wanted to end it it would be done. However, everything else he says or does indicates the opposite.

IMHO Porn IS cheating.... I would throw it all out and tell him either the porn or me..and there is only one right answer because the porn is gone...

I don't think anyone should tolerate the demeaning presence of porn in thier marriage....I'm sure there are healthy ways to incorporate it...but I'm not a big supporter of that personally...

Especially when it is affectng the relationship...It's my understandng that sometimes people use it to enhance their sexlife..not demolish it all together... THROW IT OUT AND LAY DOWN THE LAW!!! Let him know how it makes you feel that he would rather look at porn than be with you. Let him know how it makes you see him...how you picture him..that you think it's gross that you have to picture the man you love and repect resorting to teenaged fantasies instead of being in a healthy mutually satisfying relationship with a real live warm blooded flesh and bones woman...not some two dimensional air brushed fantasy. Be blunt, be honest and if he continues to have a problem haul his butt into counseling for sexual addiction. Tell him you see him as nothing more that a J*** Off!! Tell him you are in no way shape or form going to tolerate anymore of his "boredom" time. That you expect a certain amount of attention and he better be prepared to deliver!! Most of the time, tho, if a guy realizs that you see him as "less of a man" or a "J*** Off" because of his selfish behaviour, he will stop ...just be prepared to uphold your part of the bargain...:)

You also didn't mention if there were children in the home...female children... if there are or if there could be,. you could use that to your defense too.... Just my little opinion...which we all now isn't little...lol <img src="/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

It is NOT you!! Pornography is demeaning to a relationship when one partner prefers that to their real life spouse. I would not tolerate that in any way.

There are some sexual tapes that cater to married couples, e.g. it can help some couples be more experimental and shows mutual pleasure, not pleasure just for one partner, usually the male.

Either the porn goes or he gets out. Be firm.

I agree