BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids cf and religion

I've been brought up in a catholic family too, but I am no longer one.(I'm still searching) Even though I don't go to church, I still have catholic/christian-minded family that expects the babies to come popping out right away.

So, I get caught doing the "hedging" thing when they ask me and my husband why no kids after 10 years. I don't know if I do it because I don't want any attention brought on me or I don't want to disappoint them.

But I've started being honest right off the bat and it's made me feel more confident about our descision, even though the questioner goes away in a haze of disbelief. Hey, I figure maybe talking to me will open their minds up somehow to things they never questioned!

I was brought up Catholic, but my husband is Protestant (Episcopalian), and so we decided after consulting sevaral clergy in both our respective churches to instead be married in an outdoor ceremony by a wonderful Congregationalist minister (a friend of a friend) who is semi-retired but still does weddings. We so wanted to get married with a minister to have some sort of religious part to our wedding, but it was difficult in either of our churches. The Catholic church was impossible for many reasons and the Episcopal church here was just as bad. So, we decided to go to a more open church and they were more than happy to marry us! In addition, the counseling portion lasted only a few weeks (we had to visit with our minister for 4 or 5 Saturdays in a row for an hour or 2 at a time and it was more like just visting him in his home not really counseling) and he was so supportive of our decision that we do not want to have any kids. He asked only once about this b/c it was part of the counseling process and we told him our feelings on the issue and he said, ok then I guess we don't need to go into that subject. Also, we got engaged in the month of April and married only a few months later -- we had been together for 4+ years by then and decided we were ready and did not want a long engagement -- In the Catholic church, forget it, my cousin had to go through a whole year of counseling when she got engaged!).
In any event, we have been married for 4 years and we sometimes will go to our minister's church and sometimes not. I have found my catholic church not to be very open about much that I agree with especially about contraception and the choice to be child free. It is really frustrating that the Catholic church treats women and sexuality in the way that it does. In her pre-marital counseling sessions, my counsin just laughed and said they gave lectures on the rhythm method the only method the church condones. She just smiles and like most takes her birth control pills and says nothing and keeps going to church. I just can't stand it!! I can't deal with such a archaic view so I can't support the Catholic church anymore.

Dear b2b30,
not every parish is that orthodox in the US. I did RCIA(to come into the Church) and our marriage counseling in about 4 months and the Bishop even allowed us to wait until our anniversary to be married so we would not have two dates to celebrate. Also the time period between my baptism/confirmation and our wedding was about 5 weeks and I specifically asked about the sex issue and was told not to change our 'normal' habits as that would not be honoring our previous contract! (Even I felt weird about that and we kept the intimacy to a minimum for those weeks.) We had been together for 5 years and our first wedding was done on a beach at midnight by a pagan hand-fasting---nothing that the Church would condone! I realize that my age and health make it easier on me to avoid the child-free issue, but we were asked and when we explained our position it was accepted and not mentioned again. So I think it depends on the parish in the US. We just happen to be in some very liberal ones I guess.

I respect what you are saying, and yes, many people I talk to stress that as well that here in the US things are more accepted and liberal pointing out another that many would like to allow priests to get married and allow women to be priests, but having said that, the Catholic church as a whole has stated that they are against these things such as priests getting married, women priests and birth control. That is the Pope's stance as well, and the new pope appears to be even more conservative than John Paul II was, so I don't see any reforms any time soon which saddens me. For me, I just couldn't be part of that regardless so instead I have continued my beliefs as a christian but not as a catholic mainly for the women's rights issue + the other issues with Cardinal Law essentially ignoring the abuses that went on for years in the Boston Area (I am from New England and now living in Boston). I have many catholic friends and family members and respect their choices to remain in the church, but for me I will just not go back to that church based on my beliefs. BTW, I went to parochial school for many years so I am very familiar with the workings of this faith. Like anything else, there are the good and the bad, but like remaining CF, I have also decided to remain Catholic free ;-)

A lot of people in the church I used to go to have like 6 or 7 kids. I always wondered why not one of them had like 2 kids, why 6 or 7. We were not catholic either so Birth Control was allowed to my Knowledge. They dont give me any lip about having kids so I'm okay with them. But dang, all of them have so many!