BellaOnline Forums Food and Wine Etiquette Inviting Known Veggie then Serving Meat

During a rare vacation with my father and brother we stayed at a relative's home. To show our appreciation we took her out to dinner at a restaurant of her choosing. During the meal the fact of my being a vegetarian came up. Our host questioned my avoidance of fish and tended to try to talk me out of it. I felt uncomfortable about that and I had not questioned her diet. Since she cited two favorite restaurants we said we plan to take her to the other restaurant tomorrow evening, but she said "No, tomorrow night I make dinner for you guys."

When that dinner was served I was disappointed to find that the main dish she prepared was only fish. Our hostess first served my brother and father and then said to me, "I suppose I'm not serving this to you?" (and there was only enough fish after serving the others for her anyway). Of course I said "Right" given my previously stated avoidance of fish. That left me alone with only two ears of corn and a few raw baby carrots and string beans, which is not a real dinner.

Despite what I immediately perceived as a deliberate unfriendly gesture, given the cited discourse of the previous night, I was perfectly polite and thankful throughout the evening. However, the next morning which was when we had planned to leave I failed to attend breakfast, tending to my packing and taking a walk instead. That upset my brother and father who were worried that it would offend our hostess. After I returned from my walk I presented the host with a generous gift (a one-year membership to a major art museum) we had acquired for her the day before and I said "Thank you" as we departed.

Was my not attending the breakfast a breech of etiquette? All I can say is I felt hurt by what I perceived as an unfriendly gesture. We had offered to take her out for dinner that night but she insisted that she provide dinner for us instead, then she proceeded to knowingly fail to provide a dinner (main course) for me. So she steered events into a situation where I would inevitably end up unfed.

My brother felt it was wrong for me to take it personally, but I still do. Am I off base to take it personally? To me it seems analogous to, after trying to talk religious Jews out of following a Kosher diet, inviting them to dinner during a Jewish holiday and then telling them the main dish is not Kosher and saying, "I suppose I'm not serving this to you?" I could not interpret that in any way other than a rude gesture and would thereafter properly avoid such a host.

I believe you read it just right. She was mad that she couldn't make you "see the light", so didn't go out of her way to accomodate you.

We entertain quite frequently, and since we have several singel friends, and I never know what their dates may or may not eat, I always do dinner "buffet" style and make sure there is one main course that is vegeterian (maybe not vegan - but all my sides always are and I do serve more than just 2 or 3 of those).

Your hostess knew for certain, it was her responsibility to provide for you, since you had know way of knowing whether breakfast would be accomodating, I feel it was perfectly fine to skip out on it!

Like having a beer party and then locking the bathroom doors!!!

lily
lzcuchet@aol.com

This was rude, I admit.

But personally, I don't think that I'd know how to make a meal that didn't include a meat, a starch and a vegetable. It's just the way I was taught.
But if that is the case with her, then she should have allowed you to take her to dinner rather than tell you she could make you dinner when in reality, she didn't.

As for you not attending breakfast, I believe that it depends on your motives. If you were truly just out for a walk, then no it was not rude. The hostess has to allow her guests the freedom to do what they enjoy on their vacations. However, if you were truly being spiteful then you not attending breakfast was, indeed, a snub on your hostess.

I don't see the problem with skipping out. I mean, it's likely she wouldn't have had anything for you to eat there either, right?

If you don't know what someone can't eat or don't know what to make for them, you either ask them, or you don't offer to cook for them. I wonder if this woman was making a "point" about your not eating fish? At any rate, it's the height of rude to first serve something she knew you wouldn't eat, to not provide enough other foods so that you had an adequate meal, and then to assume you wouldn't eat it and not make enough--because to me it would seem perfectly possible that you might see there was little else to eat and decide to eat the fish after lest you starve, yet she didn't allow for that. My guess is that her whole dinner plan was as a punishment to you for the transgression of not eating meat, as from what you said, everything she did and said seemed very deliberate and pointed.

That said, people whose houses I dine at constantly forget I'm vegetarian and serve meat when I'm there, and I usually just eat it and don't say anything. However, I know they do it due to the fact that they truly forget, and not on purpose.

Thanks to everyone for their feedback! Some additional comments...



Prior to the evening in question, with talk of my being a vegetarian the host told us how she used to prepare dinners for her son's vegan girlfriend (vegans eat no animal products). And based on the experience of that morning, I know our host had other filling-food items that could have been offered to compensate for not providing me a main course, but nothing was offered nor was an apology offered for not providing me the dinner she promised. By every measure it appears to have been a deliberate personal slight. Also, we were her guests as a result of her repeated requests that we stay at her place; we did not seek her out as a host, but showered her with thank-you gifts nonetheless.


Exactly!



In a strict sense I agree with you. Although in the given context I felt and still feel that if someone's rude behavior toward me hurts my feelings (and is a de facto slap in the face), I have no obligation to make myself available to them again. If my resulting attempt to distance myself from them snubs them, that should not be held against me. Anyone who has been hurt has a right to protect themselves from further hurt by seeking distance from the source of hurt.

Apart from taking a walk during the following breakfast, I made every effort after the incident to be friendly and polite, ie, to not hurt her, and as I saw it and still see it that was the extent of my obligation under etiquette. Perhaps ideally I should have attended that breakfast and pretended I was not hurt, and ideally I should be a tougher person, but I'm not. I was almost at tears that morning and hadn't slept all night.

I always feel there can be misunderstandings when people don't just come out and say what is bothering them. I think it is OUR task to tell someone when something happened that made us feel uncomfortable, otherwise there are just more assumptions and more bad feelings that keep on spawning.

If you can call this person, and have a simple phone conversation, stating that you felt uncomfortable with what happened, then you are doing your part in clearing things up.

Whether or not she responds with an apology, or an attempt at understanding, or with anger is HER part. You are not trying to make amends with her; yo are just doing your part to explain what happened with you. It would be nice if there was a resolution with her, but there probably won't be. She may not be mature enough to respond without getting her back up. But at least you are providing her with the opportunity to do so.

And then you can feel at least some resolution over the snub. And it does seem like a deliberate one. Whatever. You should never have to pretend to feel okay and hide your tears. I say take a deep breath and tell her how you felt. You will either bury the hatchet or at least know if this is a friendship to end.

INCREDIBLY rude of your hostess! If she had no idea that you were vegetarian, that might be different. She gave you a loud slap in the face. I would have said, "Remember, the other night, I told you I was vegetarian? Perhaps you forgot." If she gave some rude reply, I would have say, "Oh that's okay, people at your age frequently forget things."

Her behavior was absolutely inexcusable. It is no different than if you were deathly allergic to some food, and that food was the main course of a meal.

Personally, I would not trust her for breakfast. Who knows what she'd "accidentally" slip to you.

Many people claim that vegetarians are rude. This is an excellent example of meat-eaters who are exceedingly rude! Ah well, don't blame her too much, it was probably all the meat that she's eating that made her envious of your healthy diet.