BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids I am HATED for not being a baby factory

anyone else have this extreme of a problem? My in-laws have made comments to people(who have told me) that they would like to have me killed. They have threatened me with violence. (and don't suggest I get restraining orders- it won't help. my husband will never detach from them completely--so I might as well get a divorce--which I will not do either.)They HATE me. My bigoted father in law has made comments to the effect that he would have preferred his son marry out of his 'race' than be married to me and not have kids--not in those polite words of course. They blame me for 'changing' him--when he really can't stand kids! I was willing to try at first and had 2 miscarriages. (my tubal that was done did not stay on one side.)
they recently had my husband's x girlfriend waiting for him at their house as a birthday surprise when they knew I was not coming with him! Now I have Thanksgiving to look forward to. How do you cope with such blind hatred?
RavynG

I would avoid those people like the plague. Your husband should step up to the plate here and insist they treat you with respect and dignity as his wife.

He needs to set his family straight. They either fix it or he never sees them again.

I would never let my family make my wife uncomfortable like your example.

I could easily live without being involved with such a mean-spirited family, but I could not live without my wife. My wife comes first, family a distant second.

Let him know how you feel. Not saying you should ask him to choose you or his family, but he needs to realize how you feel. Good luck with this and take care. Don't let them get to you. You are valuable even if you are not a "baby factory"

I agree with BellaDeb. Your husband needs to do something. Not get stuck in the middle, but if he lays down the law, and they don't respond, he needs to break ties.

His first duty is now to you. Period. You are his family now. "A man shall leave his family and cleave to his wife."

I would start by talking to him about the situation, and asking what he intends to do about it and when. Not 'if,' but 'when.' If they are talking violence, he no longer has a choice.

If the threats escalate, I would lodge a formal complaint with the police. If anything (God forbid) should ever happen to you, they will know where to start looking.

These people sound sick, if you want the honest truth. I don't think children are really the issue here. The issue is that you won't be controlled by them, and threaten to remove their son from their control, too.

Now this is very serious. I definitely agree. Your husband has to put you first. Otherwise, run while you can. I'm really sorry you're going through this. <img src="/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

How awful!! My in-laws don't like me either and have claimed in writing to my husband that I have "put a wrench in their family". They claim that he has distanced himself and no longer wants to be with them every Saturday since he got married to me. We always get last mention in my mother-in-laws Xmas letter. Last time we visited her house my face was covered in the wedding picture I sent her. She never signs "love" on her correspondence either. Good for me, though, cuz sweet hubby is not changing his ways since we married. He loves me and his married life.

We are solving the problem of "ruining the family" by moving out of state. Another big plus is that recently my husband started working retail (for about two years now) and he will always be "busy working" during the entire holiday season! Yahoo!! Of course, they blame me for him switching careers. He enjoys his new career very much. It has built his self-esteem immensely, but in-laws will always poo-poo his decision.

You and your husband need to make out a plan on how to handle his parents come the holiday season. Is there any possible way to show up for the latter part of the evening, say for dessert? Make up something important if you have to, then go to the movies together, and then head over to his parents' house. Or make vows that if anything mean is said about you, that you both will suddenly have to leave and go home - say that you forgot to turn the oven off or something and BOTH LEAVE and don't come back.

My 2cents.
-Patricia

Ravyn,
Sorry to hear about your situation. You are very courageous for putting up with all of those comments, just so that your husband can continue to have a relationship with his family. In return, your husband should stand up for you when these comments hurt you. I have also felt that my in-laws dislike me now that it has become more apparent that we do not want kids. I have known my husband's family since I was in high school and they were much more friendly and happy that I had joined the family back then. Now they seem more distant and I feel like they wish that my husband and I had not met. My husband has explained to them his desire to remain childfree and that it was not just my decision. I think that because he is straight-forward when this topic comes up, it helps them not to have false hope and they are coming to terms with our decision.

I was just talking to my boyfriend tonight about his mother--she's a beautiful lady who wouldn't hurt a fly, but she can see no wrong in her children. At all! It's quite funny sometimes, because since I pointed it out, he notices and it's really obvious.

So if any of her children do/say/think anything she doesn't like, it's their spouse/significant other who caused it. Example: I've known him 3 years. I smoke. He smokes. She told him that I smoke and that's the reason he still smokes. He started when he was 12--almost 20 years before we met! But, obviously, he would quit if I didn't smoke. It's my fault he smokes.

Anyway, I said all that to say many parents have her exact way of thinking! They don't want to be mad at their kid, so they blame it on the in-law for influencing, changing, making their kid do something they don't like. It's CRAZY.

They think so little of their own children that they can't be trusted to have an opinion, make a decision, take a stand on their own? Or is it a misplaced ideal of love that if their kids love them, they'll never disappoint them and always do what makes mom & dad happy?

IMHO, the only people who need to be involved in the procreation decision are the ones who will birth, feed, shelter, clothe and educated said offspring. I would love to have grandchildren, but if my kids don't want to be parents, more power to them!

[color:"purple"]Your husband needs to tell them he does not want children and it has nothing to do with you. He also needs to tell them that if they don't start treating you politely he will not visit with them anymore. You should always choose your spouse before your parents. And I'm sorry, but if my in-laws were treating me like that and my husband was just letting it happen, we would have one of our worst fights ever and if he still didn't do something about it then I would probably leave. You're suggesting that he's just sitting by letting them talk to you rudely (and about you) while he does nothing. That is not okay, and I can't believe you're putting up with it. At the same time, you refuse to leave him, so I'm not sure there's much you can do. However, the next time it's brought up why not speak up and tell them that their son also does not want kids and make him talk about it. Tell them to talk to him and you stay out of it. That way it will be on his shoulders to handle. He is taking the child's way out by not standing up for you or your (meaning yours and his) decision.[/color]

Anyone who would let his parents speak to his wife that way and not defend her is no man. He's a d***less coward and undeserving of you.

I'd either tell him to shape up or you're out of there.

I am SO grateful to have in-laws that I love. I could take or leave one of my sisters-in-law, but for the most part she's fine.